There's No Place Like Horror: Top Ten Killer Homes I'd Move Into Tomorrow

When the great and powerful wizard of Kindertrauma speaks, people listen!
Seriously, when my good pal Unk and I had a little throw-down discussion about retiring to the very same house by the sea that we both fell in love with when watching the movie The Dark, a crazy idea came to mind. Well, the idea wasn't as crazy as we are for thinking we will be moving to Wales any time soon, but it did get us thinking about our favorite houses from horror films. So once you take a look at my lovelies, click on over to Kindertrauma for Unk's favorite places he'd like to call home.

Onward, to peruse my tabulation of terrific places I'd love to roost.

10) April Fool's Day (original) - Buffy/Muffy St. John's house in the original 1986 version of the campy classic is a gorgeous house on an isolated island. I'm all for isolation, and I loved everything about this place. Only accessible by ferry? Rock on! And I do hope they left the mannequins in the attic/basement so I can scare any of my friends that come to visit. And myself, quite frankly.


9) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ('74) - Now that it's obviously been spruced up a bit, this house is actually a feasible possibility. It appears as though you could afford it, and it has family-friendly accessibility and a nice front porch. Plus that really cool basement to boot! No word on whether or not the giant hook is still hanging from the ceiling. It was either this one or the one from House of 1000 Corpses. They are really interchangeable, as far as farmhouses go - but I went with the Tx. Chainsaw one due to the obvious perks.

8) Hell Night (Garth Manor)- Hard to recognize this one? Think back a bit to the early 80's and chubby-era Linda Blair's bouncing breastages. Still can't picture it? How about this:


This house boasts sprawling gardens, turreted rooms, a cavernous underground labyrinth, and best of all - a moat! How many places have one of those these days? Hopefully the ghost of Raymond Garth isn't still lurking about.

7) Collingwood (Dark Shadows) - Everyone knows I have an extreme appreciation for all things fanged and undead. Well, I also have an unyielding love of enormous, rambling estates with tons of creepy personality and vampires to boot. It would take me a damn month just to do a walk through of the place. But this melancholy offering suits my morbid, eccentric moods. This place just says home to me. My wallet however, says no freaking way.

6) Practical Magic (not quite horror but I couldn't resist) - My love for this house knows no bounds. It's everything I like in a place. Loads of character, right by the sea, and tinged with a bit of supernatural magnetism. The thought of drinking midnight margaritas on the porch of this charmer has me making a wish. But not for Goran Visnjic to appear and sweep me off my feet. How about Joe Manganiello instead, please.

5) Ghost Story - Unk knew I'd want this one, and he was ever so right. While it seems like a major fixer-upper, I've also added a pic of what it looked like before the decay set in.


This house freaked me out quite rightly the first time I saw this movie, and I've loved it ever since. Solitude that oozes eerie atmosphere, I can actually see my self sipping tea in the yard or hosting a lovely barbeque for all my friends. Hmm... okay, we'd better go back to the solitude idea.

4) The Changeling - I had so many pics of grand estates from so many movies to try and choose from (the otherworldly mansion from The Others, the castle from Vampyr, The Skeleton Key and Interview With The Vampire plantation houses), but I couldn't resist the sheer beauty of this old place. I could totally see myself hanging out by one of those top floor windows, admiring the magnitude of my obvious wealth. Or just being creepy like Mother in Psycho.

3) Burnt Offerings/Phantasm (same house) - Weird that both these movies were shot at the same house and it never occurred to me before. As you can see from the pic below, it cleans up well.

It is one beautiful house, but it sure looks like it belongs in Louisiana or somewhere equally as deep-south. A lovely abode to return to after a day of Juleps at the races or perhaps a Civil War reenactment. Can't help but hear a resonating "Boy!" when I look at it though...


2) Secret Window - This is probably my favorite of all the houses, simply because it seems the most realistic, the most obtainable, and yet completely perfect. Truly, this one is the most me. Log cabin in the woods, right on a gorgeous lake, with a garden out back and mucho privacy? Yep, dreamy. Speaking of dreamy, wonder if Johnny Depp comes with the package deal?

1) The Dark (of course!) - Anyone who knows me knows I have this major thing with living on the coast of Ireland, Scotland, or Wales. Hence, my obsession with the house from the aforementioned 2005 film, The Dark. Though it's not visible here, the house lies right on the beautiful cliffs of Wales (actually I think it is on the Isle of Man, which stood in for Wales in the film) and beckons for me to enjoy a good book while watching the sheep graze in the yard. Or jump off the cliff, whatever the case may be.

So there you have it, my favorite places in all of horror-dom. Be sure to visit Kindertrauma to see where Unk would like to rest his weary, (blood-soaked) head. He's got his eye on more than just a few famous properties...including the one that just sold at 112 Ocean Avenue. Wonder if those new residents will last 28 days? If not, Unk will be waiting in the wings....