Gushes of (True) Blood: A Love Letter To Sam Merlotte

I seem to have a knack of having several open-ended series/features on my blog, which might make me seem like a bit of a scatterbrain.  In reality, I'm not.  I'm actually kind of OCD.  But my brain is always thinking and sometimes things come to me and I just want to write about it. 

I'm enjoying Season 4 of True Blood quite a bit.  The characters are so fleshed-out this year, everyone seems to be hitting their stride - they own these roles.  Hence, my first of a series of "love" letters to my favorite characters. 

Most people might not give Sam Merlotte a second glance - he's always being overlooked by people obsessed with vampires or the new werewolf in town (which to be honest, isn't a bad thing).  But I have a soft spot in my heart for Sam.  He takes all the shit he can handle and still seems to come out on top. 
So here's to you, Sam - and to many more pool-table romps and trailer trash breakfasts cooked in bacon grease...

Dear Sam,

First off, I have to tell you that you deserve more than you get.  You seem to always be getting fucked over in one way or another.  You've had such a rough life, with your adoptive parents ditching you and leaving you alone to fend for yourself and figure out just what the hell you were.  What were they thinking?  It's not like you morphed into a friggin' lion or something - just a cute little puppy dog.  At the very least they could have made some dough off you at the local circus.  Nah, just kidding.

But you were tough, working your way up from having nothing to owning and managing the Bon Temps, Louisiana hot spot, Merlotte's.  Not an easy task for someone who grew up fending for himself on the streets.  Of course we know now that you were bed buddies with the less than scrupulous Maryann Forester, and stole some of her cash in the dead of night.  Wise move, good call.  Well, until she came back to wreak havoc on the entire town. But hey, all that's forgiven.

I have to ask though, if you were (are?) so hot for the local telepathic waitress Sookie, why on earth did you wait till she got googly eyes for the new guy in town before you made your move?  You should have known you wouldn't have a chance with a vampire sneaking in under the radar.  You snooze you lose.
 
Then you get all cozy with Tara.  Big mistake...huge!  That girl has no clue who she is, what she wants, or how to be anything less than a bad-tempered, belly-aching bitch.  You should have known she'd turn everything around and make you the reason for all her pouting and whining.  Stop the madness!  Stay out of her dance space, she'll only bring you grief.

And Sam, I love ya, but how could you not see through Daphne?  The girl couldn't even fill a salt shaker. And to find out she's one of Maryann's consorts who would just as soon sell you out to the devil as to ride your hobby horse.

I do love when that bad-boy streak comes out though, it really turns me on.  That confrontation with those three trashy vampires in your bar - when you up and broke that pool stick in half to go after those losers, knowing they could take your head off with one swipe, now that was some impressive ball-bearing action.

And while we're talking about streaking and body parts - I think we need some more naked-ass running through the woods. Yes, please order me up a dish of that at least once every few weeks - I'm getting a little tired of all the pasty white asses of the fanged community. 

Being the hero is kind of your thing as well, isn't it?  After being an integral part of Sookie's rescue from serial killer Rene Lenier, you went on to help her get her vampire lover Bill out of the sun and into the ground to save his life.  Heck, you could have just let the dude roast out there like a toaster pastry and grabbed the girl.

Then you go and kill that bad-ass bitch from your past, Maryann.   That maenad hag was gonna offer you up as a sacrifice to whatever gods she claimed to answer to. Obviously she wasn't all that and a bag of potato chips if she was stupid enough to believe you (after shifting into a white bull) were a god.  Good call on the goring through the heart.  Sam to the rescue again. 

Lets talk about your family.  No, not the ones who left you high and dry.  Your birth family, which makes the disadvantaged coal mining weed dealers on Justified look like the Huxtables.  Why'd you have to go look them up?  I understand you'd be curious - but once you met them and had to witness Joe-Lee standing around in his saggy underwear drinking cheap beer, that was you cue honey.  LEAVE.

And I get that you want to get to know your brother, but wow - to be honest he's been nothing but trouble too!  You've been more than kind to him and he's done nothing but take advantage of you and stir up trouble.  Take this season for instance.  We're only 6 episodes in and Tommy's already stole money from you, said he hated your fucking guts, played on Hoyt's mamma's loss of her son by moving in with her, tried to buy the house gas rights from under Mrs' Fortenberry, and just recently - killed your parents!  And you're covering up for him.  How does he repay you?  By sleeping with your new horsey girlfriend - after he shifted, into YOU (or something that looked exactly like you.) Holy hell.  And let's not forget last season he tried to get you run over by a flippin' car!  But hey, at least you got to shoot him in the leg. That will score you a few points in the cool book.

Yeah Sam, when it comes to love you seem to be getting the short end of the stick.  First of all, you need to give up on Sookie for the time being, especially with Eric Northman in her bed.  You don't want to be getting all up in his bidness, as Lafayette would say.  Steer clear of the vamps.

Secondly, have some fun.  I fear some major repercussions are in store once you find out Tommy has shifted into you (!) and gotten horizontal with your sexy equine lady friend.  Hopefully you can fix that can of worms and get on with your midnight rolls in the hay.

When push comes to shove though, I really feel like you might someday get that opportunity with Sookie.  As soon as she is through with all her fangbanging activities and tires of all the werewolves growling in her ear, you might just come out on top of the supernatural food chain.

After all, you're honest, hard-working, fair, and let's face it - sexy as hell.  Nor will we forget how arousing it is to watch you take a run through the woods.
I feel at some point your warm-blooded nature will finally win her over.  (I just don't know if you'll still be on television at that point or if it will happen in the novels...I'm hoping for the best for you.)

So here's to you and your plaid shirts, your shit-kicking boots, your penchant for sleeping with problem women, your hidden bad-ass attitude, and your too-kind heart of gold.  I think eventually, you'll get lucky.

Love, Christine