Octoberfest Five: 5 Super-Annoying Horror Characters, Part 2

Here's where I get to tell you my picks for five of the most annoying characters in horror, in my opinion.  And don't forget to skip back a few days and read Marie's choices if you haven't already.  There are countless truly annoying characters that spill out from the horror vaults - it is exceedingly difficult to just pick 5!!  Back in 2010 I did a post about jack-asses in horror, which you can read HERE. (And yes, the number 1 most annoying person in horror is on that list: take a bow, Franklin Hardesty!!)  All of these idiots have similar tendencies as the annoying characters Marie and I have chosen, but I didn't want to repeat any of them, so I chose five new ones.  Not a difficult task!  So here goes:

Baby Firefly (Sheri Moon Zombie) in House of 1000 Corpses
 
While much more bearable in The Devil's Rejects, in House of 1000 Corpses Baby was nearly intolerable.  I'm talking just excruciating.  That goddamned laugh!  Her acting was deplorable, but that laugh was painful.  I get that director Rob Zombie was trying to make her seem pretty much nuts (and that he has felt the need to cast his wife in all his films regardless of her talent), but she really needed to tone it down a bit.  Crazy is one thing, but ridiculous is another.  I really do love the movie, it's just soooo different, chock full of awesome visuals -but Sheri Moon and her lip-syncing prowess is the one part of it that makes me want to hurl. Thank heavens her role in The Devil's Rejects was a lot more chilling than irritating. But hot damn, Baby Firefly and her stupid laugh and her detestable baby talk just need to STFU!!

Isaac (John Franklin) in Children of the Corn
 
Wow.  I do realize that Issac was supposed to be one fry short of a happy meal, I really do.  But to listen to his voice drone on, barking out orders to his minions and warning them of disobeying He Who Walks Behind The Rows, there's no denying he needed strung up by his testicles (even though his voice made it sound like he already had been). Issac is one of those religious fanatics that people warn you about all your life. Someone who somehow obtained power and then brought everyone else on board, promising a perfect life and a sure shot at heaven.  But Issac may be just a little more nutty than all that - after all, this is someone who organized the ritualistic killing of all the adults in town under the orders of a monster in a corn field.  Now that, my friends...is crazy.  But we, as the audience, having to endure his endless whiny voice trying to sound terrifying and failing miserably - even crazier!!

Mrs.Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden) in The Mist
 
Bible-thumpers in horror never fare well.  And they are almost always an unlikable bunch.  And Mrs. Carmody in The Mist is a prime example of why.  Always pushing her religion in everyone's face, telling everyone over and over how the end is near.  "It's Armageddon I tell you!" No one wants to hear that shit, least of all people who are scared to death and looking for some reassurance that everything will work out in the end...  But NO, she has to go on and on and start getting people in her corner, rallying them against our protagonist and his small group.  Eventually she gets her comeuppance, and it is a sweet sweet moment of release - because holy shit - she was an out of control, caustic battle-ax.

Heather (Heather Donague) in The Blair Witch Project
 
Is Heather the most miserable, controlling bitch in horror or what?  Maybe not, but she sure gets my vote.  The first time I saw BWP it was disturbing enough that I didn't notice quite how awful she was.  But a second viewing confirmed what was pretty obvious: Heather needed to die.  Making us sit through 80 minutes of her constant tirade of what to do when you're lost in the woods was downright painful.  People who think they know everything are annoying enough, but people who think they do but really have no clue are even worse.  If they would have killed her off at Coffin Rock I may have stood up in the theater and cheered, possibly fist-bumping anyone near me because I'm fairly certain the masses feel the same way I do. Kill the bitch, not the witch!



Evil Ed (Stephen Geoffreys) in Fright Night
 
Holy mother of God do I hate this character.  It's part of the reason that I rarely watch Fright Night because I just want to scratch my eyes out and cut off my ears rather than put up with the shrill and grating voice of this blockhead.   I know he is on a lot of people's "favorite" lists, and so I ask - HOW do you folks put up with him? Just hearing him caterwaul "Oh, you're so cool, Brewster!" nearly made me lose my grip on my sanity.  Is it just the actor or is it the character? Is it both?  All I know is I couldn't wait for the son-of-a-bitch to die. 

Octoberfest Five: 5 Super-Annoying Horror Characters, Part 1

 ~by Marie Robinson

We all know them; the characters in horror movies that you just want to shut the fuck up!! The ones who make the bad decisions, or decide to believe the protagonist a little too late, and whose every line induces an eye-roll.

These are the five characters in horror that annoy the crap outta me. Christine's are coming later in Part 2 - there's no way to limit us to five between the two of us!!


1. Marge Thompson (A Nightmare on Elm Street) 

Nightmare was one of the first horror films I’ve ever seen, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always hated Nancy’s mom. Sure, being a single parent who has to dwell on memories of murdering a twisted child killer is tough, but do you really have to be drunk 24/7? This bitch is pulling bottles out of the kitchen cabinets, the laundry closet, and basically out of thin air throughout the entire movie.
And when her only child is going through a hard time, like, a REALLY hard time—friends being murdered, etc.—what does she do? Bar up the windows and lock the doors from the inside, of course!
What really bugs me, though, are her weird, seizure-like mannerisms and her breathy voice. I guess she’s supposed to be acting drunk? If I knew someone who talked and acted like that all the time I’d go fuckin’ nuts. Sorry, but I was more than a little glad when she got sucked up into the door at the end of the movie. Good riddance.

2. Rachel Creed (Pet Semetery)


Two awesome parenting tips from Rachel Creed, “ignorance is bliss” and “lie to your children”. Whatever keeps ‘em happy, right? I’m convinced Louis would be ten times a better father if this asshole weren’t here to coach him. She makes him lie to their (also annoying) daughter about death and dying and heaven and lets her believe a bunch of stupid crap that is bound to screw her up later in life.
Also that time she let her terminally ill sister chokes and die and then LAUGHED about it? Yeah, I know she was scary as hell, but seriously?? That monologue where she starts screaming, “Zelda’s dead, Zelda’s dead!” I want to kill her!!
Bring her back from the dead is the worst decision you could make, Louis. Gross.

3. Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) 


Christine and I are big fans of True Blood, which is a fun and sexy show with a lot of great characters, except for the fucking MAIN character! I haven’t read the books, so I don’t know if Sookie was created to be a terrible person or was just shaped into one on the show, but goddam does she suck.
For some reason, EVERYONE wants to fuck her, even though she’s a pompous little brat who brings serious fucking drama wherever she goes. And she ends up screwing everyone anyway because one incredibly hot guy is just not enough for her.
And then there’s this whole plot detail where she is like the most magical and important person of all time, and it’s just like COME ON!! Stop making her so important and desirable because she’s so fucking annoying and I just want her killed off and Bill to be the star of the show!

4. Wendy Torrance (The Shining)

Wendy, darling. Light of my life. I’m not gonna kill ya, I’m just gonna bash yer fuckin’ brains in! You’re innocent and sweet, but god, are you stupid.

She probably should have left her husband when he got so mad he dislocated his son’s arm, but I guess she believes in second chances. If she knew what was going to happen to her later maybe she wouldn’t have.
Wendy seemed to have good instincts, and she did think about leaving the Overlook a couple a’ times, but decided to stick it out with psycho Jack and wait till ANOTHER person got murdered. You could have avoided this Wendy…




5. Kaycee (The Green Inferno)

 I’ll go ahead and do you a favor and tell you if you haven’t seen The Green Inferno, don’t. It’s terribly written and has awful acting, but the award for worst actress goes to Sky Ferreira, who plays monotone student Kaycee. Sky Ferreira is primarily a musician—I think?? But she sure as hell ain’t a thespian. Her whole performance is dry, dull, and—oh yeah—ANNOYING!!

Don’t get me wrong, her character sucks, too; some stoner slut whose completely politically incorrect. She was only in the movie for about ten minutes total, probably, but even that was too much.
I hope I never have to see her in another movie for as long as I live.

Here's to you: Ten jack-asses in horror

While watching Dawn of the Dead (remake) yet again, I got to thinking what an utter jack-ass the character of Steve was, and of course because my mind is always percolating possible blog entries, I thought a mini-retrospective on jackasses in horror was called for. So here it is.

Steve from Dawn of the Dead


Sure, Steve was witty and hilarious, I'll give him that. But he didn't give a thought to anything except his own well-being. Which, though his sarcasm hit new levels of audacity, still makes him a class one jack-ass. He was heartless about the deaths of others, looked out only for number one, and yet still managed to make me laugh. And he made a kick-ass zombie, short-lived as he was.


Harry Cooper from NOTLD


This guy was under my skin from the moment he appeared onscreen. I couldn't wait for his ghoulish daughter to take him out. If I'd have been Ben, I'd have shot him straightaway and saved myself the agony of listening to his bossy moaning and groaning. Face it dude, you had butkus in the way of good ideas. STFU!


Franklin from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Oh, shut your whiney mouth, Franklin!
And while you might accuse me of picking on a cripple, I say I'm doing no such thing. I run an equal-opportunity blog here. Anyone - regardless of race, handicap or intelligence level - can be a jackass in my book. I was pretty GD happy when 'ole Leatherface took a chainsaw down the middle of this hapless blockhead. So there.

David from Shaun of the Dead

Ahh, David. Classic jackass. Carrying a torch for Shaun's girl the whole way through the movie, David didn't want to lift a finger to help anyone else, did he? He was strangled by his own self-preservation, and made it a point to quickly change sides from pacifist to all out aggressor when it came to saving his own ass. He died the best death in the movie, in an homage to the original.
But man, I so wanted to slap him!


Dr. Chilton from Silence of the Lambs


Now here's a dude that got his comeuppance at the end of SOTL. When we first meet Dr. Chilton we realize within two seconds that he is there for us to abhor. First he comes on to Starling in his office (ick!), and when she turns him down, he suddenly becomes all business, and soon rudely tells her that she could have told him back in his office about going in to see Lecter alone. I'd have cleaned his clock right there. When she finally dismisses him on her third visit and tells him to call the Attorney General if he has a problem, I laughed about as hard as when I heard that last Lecter-delivered line, "I'm having an old friend for dinner."


Wilma from Creepshow

Our lone female on the list, Wilma encompasses everything you love to hate about a swarmy, sleasy female character. She drives her husband crazy with her condescending manner of speaking, all the while humiliating the hell out of him and herself with her embarrassing alcoholic antics. In his daydream, he shoots her right between the eyes, while everyone claps and cheers. I have no doubt that would have been exactly the response he'd have gotten. No doubt whatsoever.
And no disrespect to Barbeau, either. She rocks.


Jeff from Cabin Fever


In an intended homage (I assume) to Night of the Living Dead, Jeff comes rambling off the porch in Cabin Fever, blubbering about his incredible luck to be the only one alive, when police officers shoot him dead. It was one of the best parts of the movie, and I couldn't have been happier to see that receding hairline-hometown-hero-wannabe go down in a blaze of contempt. He was so annoying throughout the entire film that his death was a revelation.


Mayor Larry Vaughn from Jaws


"You do whatever you have to do to make them safe, but those beaches will be open!"
Dickhead. I'm sorry but I cannot think of another word to describe this dude. After all the pleading Brody and Hooper did - with substantial reason, mind you - to try to get the beach closed, this yay-hoo wouldn't have it. I was always sadly disheartened that Mayor Vaughn didn't get violently torn to bits by Bruce. That would have made my day.

Sears from Ghost Story


John Houseman was really good at playing crotchety old gomers. In Ghost Story, he was the arrogant and pompous Sears, continually bossing his three other friends around. Houseman was great as the elder Sears, but Ken Olin also did a bang-up job as a youthful Mr. James. Either way, the pushy old gent was almost purely un-likeable. When Sears sees Eva/Alma standing on the road in the snow right before his death, it is one of my favorite creepy moments in horror.
But God... he was a prick.


Mr Toomey from Psycho II


Rounding out the list, we have Mr. Toomey (Dennis Franz), who just may well be the biggest jackass off all. Dr. Chilton runs a close second, but wow. Poor Norman Bates, just trying to get back to his old life (well, maybe that's a poor description...) but Toomey makes that pretty hard - running the Bates' motel like a drug-infested cheap ass cathouse, calling Normal all kinds of derogatory names in front of everyone, and hitting on Mary - the girl staying with Norman. A typical movie sleaseball - that gets what he deserves, true enough.