Duct tape can do anything!

What we have here is a little sci-fi flick that comes to us from the director of The Blair Witch Project.



I have to admit to having this movie in my Netflix queue for maybe two years. It's always hovered near the top, but I persistently seemed to move other movies ahead of it, figuring to save it for when I was desperate.
Well, since apparently Netflix has a hard on about sending me Gran Torino (on my list for weeks at number one cause the hubby was desperate to see it) and Last House on the Left remake isn't due till next week... Altered finally made its way to my mailbox.

By the time it arrived here I'd already read dozens of reviews on it, most of which seemed quite positive, so I went in thinking I was in for at least a semi-pleasant experience.
And truth be told, it wasn't too bad.
However...

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't think this was the best - or even most original - sci-fi I've ever seen. Far from it.
It starts out with three redneck-type dudes chasing "something" through the backwoods until by luck or fate they succeed in capturing their prey. Which, it turns out, is a freakin' alien. Right down to its grey-green praying mantis vs. 'The Fly' vs a vagina-resembling head. (Haven't we seen enough aliens of this sort already?)

Anyway, they hog tie this creature and truck it back to a fourth guy's big ass garage. Because nothing is ever explained properly, you are left to guess what the hell the backstory is on these characters.
As you finally figure out - through convoluted dialogue and much shouting - these four friends were taken by aliens fifteen years ago. There were originally five that were kidnapped, but apparently one of them (the brother of the most annoying guy) didn't make it back.

The character of Wyatt (owner of the garage and the guy the aliens kept the longest) had some kind of device implanted in his side so the aliens could keep track of him. He keeps the reminder in a jar. Lovely. What a cool conversation starter. {"Hey, have I shown you my implant? And let me tell you about my probe!"}
He shows the other guys his scar (as if they wouldn't have known about it before) and I just kept wondering... are we supposed to believe this dude cut into his side and removed that implant all by himself? The scar was like twelve inches long and ran down the entire side of his abdomen. Obviously a doctor would have had a few questions that if answered, would have sent Wyatt up to the asylum on the hill for a long stretch.

So for some reason these hillbillies have been searching for the last several years to find and abduct an alien of their own. Why they think this is a good idea is beyond me. I mean, what are they actually planning? Torture? Revenge? Killing one lone alien doesn't seem like it would do anything but piss all the other ones off. Which is exactly what they start to panic about, once they have the non-human visitor strapped down to a table in said garage.
So the whole basis of the movie is the fear and hysteria that ensues after they realize they don't really know what to do with the creature.

Naturally the alien escapes it's constraints (the formidable and awe-inspiring duct tape!) - a few times in fact - and proceeds to exact its own revenge on its captors. When it attacks, it does so with great fervor, and the results are fairly gory. By far the best part of the film.
There are some gruesome effects - including the best intestinal disembowelment I've seen since 'Dog Soldiers'! - and there does seem to be a growing sense of dread in the frenzy of the last half of the movie.

But in my mind, we're not seeing much new here. It is an interesting concept, the humans trying to retaliate for the torture and death of one of their own - but the subsequent counterplay by the alien makes it seem more of a cat and mouse than an outright alien feature.

I will admit the acting was fairly decent (in particular the main character of Wyatt, played by Adam Kaufman). They all had the country boy thing down pretty good. Michael C. Williams (of Blair Witch fame of course) was also good as 'Otis' - which is a pretty stereotypical redneck name, is it not? Might not have been as impressive if the lead characters names were Wadsworth, Chalmer, Kip and/or Holden.

Generally, sci-fi doesn't scare me. At all.
I was a tremendous X-Files fan, though. So I've seen good sci-fi done well. This movie seemed a bit like a low-budget (which it was) X-Files rip-off.
I still think 'Alien' was the best sci-fi pic ever, with the remake of 'The Thing' coming in second (though that could be construed more as horror I suppose).
This movie isn't even close to that. Nowhere near. But I got through it and didn't turn it off - though the last few minutes had me really debating doing just that.

*And for the merely curious? I ended up borrowing Gran Torino from a friend and it was everything I thought it would be. Eastwood still rocks.

A Horror Western? Really?

I hadn't seen a good period horror film in many moons when I added 'The Burrowers' to my Netflix queue.



I had read really good reviews via Fangoria regarding this movie, and so was a bit anxious to see it.
Westerns are not my genre. At all.
It's not that I won't watch them- I've seen my fair share of old John Wayne and Clint Eastwood westerns (who hasn't, really?) - but besides my love for the horses I wasn't exactly a fan.

And I've seen (and liked) recent fare such as Appaloosa and 3:10 to Yuma. The hubby likes a good western, so since I practically force him to watch all my scream-fests (some of which are really crap, truth be told) - I sit through his penchant for bad (read: stupid) comedies, pointless action films (some of which I really enjoy), and attempts at making the western genre shine again.

So it was actually a shame that I sat alone in my living room to watch 'The Burrowers', cause I think hubby would have appreciated it.
I'll wait for the $5.00 bargain bin at Wal-Mart to pick this one up - and that's not because it was bad. On the contrary, it just means I'm cheap.

The Burrowers, set in the Dakota Territories in 1879, is a really good blend of western and horror. I am a big fan of the slow-burning pot boiler 'Dead Birds', which took elements of a western as well - it being set back in the Civil War era West. The casting for that film was as fine as I've seen, and The Burrowers also has that going for it as well.
So imagine my happy surprise when I read (on Amazon I think) that both Dead Birds and The Burrowers have the same creature designer. Makes sense.

Straight up, here's what was stalking the poor chaps in this flick:



Nice, huh?

Anyway, the story begins by showing a couple courting (as it was so aptly called back then) . The man is an Irish immigrant, Fergus Coffey, who is making plans with his beloved, Maryanne.
Cut to an attack on Maryanne and her family late at night by something ... but what?

Simply put, the rest of the story is the search for the mysterious disappearance of some of the family (Maryanne included) who were apparently dragged off into the darkness.
Those who were left incurred odd and inexplicable wounds and were DOA.

The group of searchers (like that western reference?) include Fergus (Karl Geary) - who may I just stop and say looks like a cross between Gerard Butler and Julian McMahon (of Nip/Tuck fame)... so I was rooting for him, for sure.
See below:


(Geary)

Among those helping in the search for what they feel was certainly an Indian assault, is an Army officer named Henry Victor (Doug Hutchison of 'X-Files' and 'Lost' fame) , and a couple Indian trackers (Clancy Brown and William Mathoper (both of whom are also seen in 'Lost'). An ex-slave (Sean Patrick Thomas) and the future step son of the Mathoper character (Galen Hutchison) round out the group.


(Brown and Mathoper)

As time goes by, the Army dude and a few of his men separate from the original posse. They argue too much about how to go about finding the missing family members, and after coming across some Indians and using too much force, they agree to go their own ways.

Turns out the Indians know a bit about the strange "tribe" that apparently took the missing.
Before splitting up, the group holds an Indian hostage who proceeds to try to explain about the Burrowers. Naturally the language barrier prevents them from understanding completely, and hence, the men begin to be picked off one at a time - like a somewhat more frightening Friday the 13th movie.

When one of the men discovers a body covered over with dirt but still breathing, it ratchets the uneasiness up several notches. The girl is unable to speak - and though alive, has the same strange wounds as the others. The stepson is chosen to take her back, though as scared as they all have become it is quite odd that they would allow the youngest and most inexperienced member of the posse to "escort" the young girl back home. Naturally, his trip is not without problems.

Yes, you do see the creatures. And yes, they do resemble the subterranian dwellers of The Descent somewhat, but it doesn't make them any less creepy. I don't want to give away too much, but it becomes obvious that the people that are buried alive are there for the underground carnivores future use. There is also an un-nerving clicking sound (reminisent of both The Grudge and The Descent) when these beasties are about.



The irony of the bleak ending just sits there and stews, making you feel utterly as helpless as the poor man just trying to find his loved one.
I, for one, don't always like the obvious happy ending.

The cinematography for this film is absolutely top notch. Waving wheat and ominous sunsets abound. New Mexico stands in quite nicely for the Dakotas.
Each night when it grows dark you can feel the tension of the men's dread. The panoramic views and sweeping landscapes really set the stage for the complete sense of helplessness and isolation one might feel if forced to spend the night alone in such a inhospitable and menacing terrain.
Just seeing those men, lying on the ground around a small campfire awaiting their own doom is enough. But knowing it's something more sinister than "just" bloodthirsty Indians makes the unpleasant anticipation more than just a little bit entertaining.

What is most amazing to me is that a superior movie such as this goes direct-to-DVD and crap like the remakes of both Prom Night and April Fool's Day get a theatrical release.
Somebody out there needs to actually watch that crap before giving it the go for the theater!

All in all, it's a two thumbs up for this one.
Check it out!

"12 rooms, 12 vacancies..."

What is it about hotels and motels that are inherently spooky?
Why do I always get a slight sense of dread when I step foot into the rented room?

Probably because I've seen freakin' movies like The Shining, 1408, Motel Hell, and the mother of all messed up motel movies: Psycho.
Every time I'm in some rinky dink mom & pop place for the night (which isn't to say it's very often, but it's always memorable) I wander into the bathroom, looking for weird flowery wallpaper and holes in the walls.

But all in all, my worst experience of this kind was a night spent in Buzzards Bay, Mass. - which seems like a lovely little town adjacent to Cape Cod.
The town itself might be nice, but the 'shall-not-be-named' piece of crap place we stayed in....not so much.
Let's just say we propped a chair against the door to hold it shut cause the lock was broke. Seriously.

Hey, at least I've never seen cockroaches anywhere. That would scare me more than anything else I think.
I'm guessing it would be easier for me to stay in a room where someone had been murdered (or tons of people a'la 1408) than in a room with creepy crawlies.

I digress.

Motel movies. Yeah, they are scary, generally. Because everyone can relate, I think.
I don't think I wrote about Vacancy.



Having just watched Vacancy 2, I feel I should touch on the first one a bit. Starring Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale, it had the benefit of well known stars to gain popularity.
The basic plot is simple. Husband and wife are fighting an on the road. So many movies start like this, don't they? Have the starring couple at odds when you begin so it means so much more when they're fighting for their lives.

So then we have the popular "car breaks down on a lonely highway" plot device. Used and abused, but always effective to set the stage. David and Amy (Wilson/Beckinsale) come upon the somewhat run-down motel and book a room for the night, only to discover that the tv isn't showing HBO... it's showing the murders of previous motel guests. And the crimes are taking place in the exact room they're in. Ta-dah!
Frank Whaley is really good as the hotel manager. Not exactly Norman Bates, but maybe the next best thing (or worst, for the guests).

Vacancy is a taut, quick-paced thriller - somewhat predictable yet still effective. If you've never seen it, I would watch it before seeing it's sequel.

That said, Vacancy 2: The First Cut could actually stand alone, as it is really a prequel, not a follow-up.



It supposedly shows how the whole thing got set up.
After showing the very first murder at the motel (which surprises the two entrepreneuring motel employees who have already set up cameras to catch unsuspecting guests in flagrante delicto to sell as porn movies). The murderer makes a deal with the other two and soon they are basically producing snuff films.

On to the meat of the story.
Jessica (Agnes Bruckner) and Caleb (Trevor Wright) are newly engaged and traveling from Chicago to rural North Carolina to start a new life. They've brought Caleb's friend Tanner (Arjay Smith) along for the ride, which is rather confusing. Not sure what he's there for if not to provide comic relief and another DB.
It doesn't take them long to find out they are being taped, and things just pretty much go downhill from there.
But whereas in the first Vacancy the whole movie revolves around the one couple, Vacancy 2 goes beyond that to show the murdering three men much more - and the problems they have within their own ranks. It also goes outside the motel (again unlike the original) and takes the hunted beyond the motel room and into the woods and a neighboring house to keep the action going.

While neither movie wound win any awards of course, they both have their good points and faults. And though neither movie ever scared me (and Vacancy 2 blatantly ripped the killer's look off directly from The Strangers and/or Friday the 13th part 2....), they both kept me fairly entertained, with the first Vacancy doing a bit better job of it.

Still doesn't make me want to stay in some piece of crap dump. Ever.

If only...

Tell me THIS wouldn't make the horror-movie lover's year?
Or decade?
Lifetime?

"The League of Extremely Violent Gentlemen"
(tagline: The horror of six become a league of one...)



Would that rock or what?

Sometimes, horror is hilarious!

Who doesn't love Shaun of the Dead?



IMDB has a list of memorable quotes from the 2004 zombie comedy, and I got a real hoot out of reading them.
This is just a sample. You can read the rest on the site here.

(I tended to exclude some of my real faves due to the major F-Bomb dropping...


***

Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: All right... are there any out there, though? [looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]
Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]
Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.

***

Shaun: Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!



***

Shaun: [about Ed] I've known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Shaun: Oh, leave him alone.
Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple Schnappes and playing Tekken 2.
Shaun: Oh yeah. [laughing]
Shaun: When was that?
Pete: [laughing] That was five years ago. When's he going home?



***

Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You've sold puff.
Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.



***

[Shaun tries to get out of Philip's Jaguar]
Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Philip: Safety first, Shaun.



***

[trying to call the emergency services]

Ed: Shaun, what's going on?
Shaun: Shit, it's engaged!
Ed: How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: A fire engine?
Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?

***

[Shaun is channel hopping] [Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's... [VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: ...Panic on the streets of London... [ITV News]
News Reporter: ...as an increasing number of reports of... [Football]
Football Commentator: ...serious attacks on... [Channel Five News]
News Reporter: ...people, who are literally being... [Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
Documentary Narrator: ...eaten alive. [Sky News]
Jeremy Thompson: Witness reports at best are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be... [T4]
Vernon Kay: ...dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...

***

Barbara: It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

***

[after Philip has been bitten]
Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?
Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.
Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap.
Barbara: I really think...
Philip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
Barbara: But Philip...
Philip: It's a lot of overblown nonsense, a lot of drug nuts running wild.



***

Shaun: [to a girl in the garden] Excuse me? [no response]
Shaun: Excuse me? [no response]
Shaun: Hellew? [no response]
Ed: [picks up a pebble and throws it off her back] Oi! [girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!



***

Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won't say anything.
Shaun: Thanks.

***

Ed: There's a girl in the garden.
Shaun: What?
Ed: In the garden, there is a girl.

***

Ed: We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Knowing may not be enough.

I'm really not sure how this movie would be categorized. I assume it would be sci-fi...?

I'm also on the fence with Nicholas Cage. Some movies I like (yeah, sue me - I like Con-Air!) but alot I have found less than distinguished (but you can't knock the guy for his Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas- depressingly good flick).

I actually liked the premise of this. Starts out in 1959 when a time capsule is closed up at an elementary school in Massachusetts (close to MIT, apparently, because Cage plays a 'brilliant astro-physicist'....but of course). A class of students have all contributed a picture they have drawn - one that supposedly depicts what they think things will look like in 2009 when it is to be opened. A strange girl, Lucinda - isn't drawing a picture. Instead, she is covering a page front and back with numbers. While most teachers would have cast aside her "picture", it gets stuck in the capsule.

Shoot ahead a half a century and the school is opening the capsule. Every kid in class gets to check out one of the old pictures that are ready to see the light of day after 50 years.
Nic Cage's son in the film gets Lucinda's freaky puzzle-like scrawling. Nice.

Did I mention astro-dad's wife was killed a year before and they are both still dealing with that?
There always has to be some kind of conflict, right? The death does come in to play though, so I guess it works.

Anyway, the boy takes the paper home (though he wasn't supposed to) and the Prof accidentally sets a wet glass on the paper - making a ring around a bunch of the numbers. He takes a good look at the rambling numbers and like the dazzling whiz he is, he sees a pattern.

The sequence of numbers just happens to be the dates of every major disaster - natural or otherwise - that has occurred on the planet within the last fifty years. Such as 9/11, the Tsunami of Dec. '04, Hurricane Katrina, the Oklahoma City bombing, plane crashes, wildfires, earthquakes, terrorist attacks...you get the picture.

There are three events that have not yet occurred.
So it is a race to see if they can stop the disasters or if they are fate - predetermined events that cannot be prevented.

The present-day family of the strange little girl is also involved but I won't go into that.
I found it hard to believe that anyone would have married or had sex with that weirdo to produce the current family members.....

I liked this movie till about three-fourths of the way through, then it got a little too existential and celestial for me. It morphed from a thriller of sorts to an all out barrage of mystical, transcendental mumbo-jumbo.
Way too much theoretical poppycock. I actually read in some reviews that folks thought this was "spiritual" and "uplifting".....
Like, really?

And I did not like the ending. Just silly.

But the concept was cool. A little X-Files, a little Close Encounters, a little The Day After Tommorrow (not great by any stretch, but you get my drift)... I think they could have done more with it instead of jumping through so many hypothetical hoops.

But maybe that's just me. Check it out for yourself.
Hey, it's better than The Happening, so that's saying something, right?
It isn't a waste, but you have to check your brain at the door sometimes, don'tcha?

"A naked American man stole my balloons..."

After watching two really mediocre attempts at horror, I resigned myself that good horror is hard to come by. Great horror is nearly impossible to find. Crappy horror is a dime a dozen. Probably two out of every ten horror films produced are even remotely entertaining...


Hence my little sit down with my flat screen and one of my all-time faves, An American Werewolf in London (1981).


Exactly the right mix of horror and comedy, courtesy of the brilliant John Landis (who on a side note, directed the late great Michael Jackson in his masterpiece video, Thriller.)....





So, in lieu of posting a review (cause if you haven't actually seen it, what the hell are you reading this blog for?) - I decided to pick 10 reasons I love "An American Werewolf in London".

Listed in reverse chronological order (for no reason other than that's just how I roll), here you go:

10) Nazi-monsters who jump into David's house all SWAT-like and wipe out his entire family and slit his throat. Ta-dah, it's a dream...... But wait! Then they jump through the window at the hospital and kill Nurse Price... Ta-dah... another dream... Time to wake up.




9) Corpse Jack sitting on the couch holding Mickey Mouse: "Hi David!"






8) Sex in the shower with someone you just met. Someone from another country. Who was attacked by a 'lunatic' on the moors. Who is having mixed perceptions of reality and seeing his dead friend, and is almost convinced he's a werewolf. But it's sex, in the shower, right? I mean, really?





7) The transformation + "Blue Moon". Brilliant.





6) The scary scene in the tubes - the man alone in the underground subway being chased... and he finally trips up the escalator. Only then do you see the werewolf coming on screen, and only then do you really see how BIG he is. Probably the scariest part of the movie.




5) The scene in the theater where all the folks David slaughtered are discussing ways he can kill himself. Jack is miffed that they are so cruel. "Do you mind? The man's a friend of mine..."

4) A werewolf running up and down Piccadilly Circus. Classic.





3) The Slaughtered Lamb - "You made me miss. I've never missed that board in my life...".....
"There's no food here!".....




2) Speaking of the quirky pub off the beaten path in East Proctor - how about the strange folks who congregate there who seem to know a secret but aren't tellin'. "Remember the Alamo!"

1) Stick to the road, stay off the moors, and beware of the moon.

(advice Jack wishes to hell he'd have listened to...)

Slash-O-Rama

Rent first.... don't buy outright.



Laid to Rest isn't the most unique, most shocking or even most gory movie I've ever seen, but it kept me entertained fairly sufficiently for an hour & a half.

I didn't know any of the actors (well, that's a lie - I think the geeky computer nerd may have been in the movie Twister...) but they all did a fairly respectable job with the plot they were handed.

That said, the plot is an open ended clusterf**k. It really doesn't mesh, and you can see the disorganization and clutter right from the get go. Sometimes it's cool when things aren't explained - it can really add to the suspense as you formulate your own opinions as to what is happening and where the flick is going.

I don't believe the lead character's (the extremely well-endowed Bobbi Sue Luther) name was ever given, in fact I think she was referred to as "the girl" in the credits. Which is par for the course because our heroine (and I use that term very loosely) wakes up in a coffin, unable to remember how she got there or who she is. She manages to knock the casket off the table and it falls open, releasing her. She tries to escape (after making a ridiculous call to the police in which she actually had to look on the wall by the phone where it said "Call 911 for emergencies" or some shit like that!! As if you'd forget how to call 911) but is prevented from completing the call due to a masked killer (you knew that was coming, right?) tries to apparently finish what he started.
I guess the title stems from the fact that 'the girl' woke up in a casket in a funeral home.
I guess.

Our masked executioner is wearing a chrome skull.



Yes, it's hard to believe there was any kind of masks left to use in horror movies. But it was creepy I guess. And for some reason he is after "the girl".... And he wants to record it. Strangely, he wears a video camera strapped to his shoulder. Okay, now that's unique.

Cut to "the girl" running down an abandoned road (no one said it was original, remember?) and she gets picked up by a redneck dude (Kevin Gage) who takes her back to his place. No, he's actually not a killer/rapist/nutjob passing himself off as a country yokel. He's a decent chap who's married and he & his wife take the girl in and try to piece together what happened. Too bad the guy's name is Tucker... sure makes him seem like a cornfed bumpkin.

Unfortunate things happen to Tucker's wife (whose name escapes me)... and 'the girl' and Tucker end up making their escape in Tuck's truck (I just wanted to write that). They pull over at a house along the road and then we meet said-geek Stephen.

I don't want to rehash the entire movie - watch it for yourself. But suffice it to say, there is plenty of gore. Chrome Skull uses a pair of knives to do most of the killings (see DVD cover), but there are a few other good gore deaths - including one using fix-a-flat, and another with a caustic chemical agent to the face. Nice.

There are so many blatant loop-holes here. Why is Chrome Skull chasing her? Who IS she? Why does the killer videotape everything? Why was she in a coffin?
I could go on...but won't.
I laughed at some reviews I read that stated this film had 'no redeeming qualities'... Come on people, this isn't Hitchcock for Christ's sake. Hell, it's not even Rob Zombie.

In the end, all I can offer is this. Nothing new here, but it doesn't suck.

AT LEAST THE MUSIC WAS GOOD...

Good Lord, I really should know better, right?



The Grudge 3 (2009) is a pointless, derivative, mess of a sequel.
I really hesitate to call it part of a trilogy, because somewhere in the back of my brain there is something telling me that greedy bastards somewhere are already penning the script for The Grudge 4.
Ugh.

This one takes place in Chicagoland, where the sole survivor of Part 2 is having some mental issues regarding his family being slaughtered by the infamous Kayako.
In the first few minutes, he is killed (sorry if I spoiled it for ya, but couldn't you see it coming?) by said Japanese freaky-ghost girl.
But not before his doctor (the terribly miscast Shawnee Smith - though she is truly the 'marquee name'... that should say something, right? Trying to believe her as a doctor is a stretch, I'm sorry. Stick to the Saw movies, 'kay?) tries to tell him he's imagining the totally-in-need-of-a-tan Kayako.
Not so much.

Enter Max, Lisa, and Rose. Max is apparently the building manager - or some such shit -of the apartment building where the Grudge 2 folks were killed. Again, a little hard to believe someone so young would not only be managing an apartment complex, but raising his two sisters as well.
Party of Five it ain't.
Lisa is oh, I don't know....eighteen or so - and she's getting too busy with her cutie boyfriend to notice the problems, at first.
Rose is an annoying little pre-pubescent with an asthma problem, of course! (signs of Signs...)

Max is having trouble getting renters. I call it 'Amityville Complex'... how about you?
Seems no one wants to live in a place where such "legendary horror' has taken place.
Imagine that.

One day... Kayako's sister, fresh in from Tokyo, thinks she has the solution to the curse.
Some confounded ceremony to rid the place of the curse before it kills EVERYONE!!!!

Oh. My. God.

The acting really wasn't too bad, all things considered. But this series needs to stop, now.
All the powdery makeup in the world can't make up for a good plot.
Which is not evident here in the least.

Avoid this flick like the plague.

Actually, I'm sure the Plague is soooo much scarier.

*The comment about the music stands.... the main themes composed by Christopher Young are intact here - and if I could have sat through the credits I may have noted that he did indeed provide the score here, but I don't know for sure. But the score is simply the best part of the film.

CALL THE EXTERMINATOR!

There's a cool new show on the Travel Channel called Bite Me with Dr. Mike - it's this dude that travels the world finding things that bite.




Such as this Wandering Spider. Bigger than you think.

There were all kinds of creepy crawly biting things on it...

Check out my other blog for more details - the show rocks!

DO I HAVE TIME TO KICK SOME ASS WHILE THIS SETS?

Those folks over at True Blood are a real hoot!

Much as I likied the season 2 premiere, I'm still laughing my ass off at the scene where big bad vampire sheriff Eric strolls down to the apparent dungeon he's got under Fangtasia - ready to kick some human ass - in hair foils.



Guess vampires need to have their roots done too.
Don't tell me the previous Viking isn't a true blonde....
My image of him will be totally blown...

Not so fast.
Wait - he can still thump the shit outta someone (and pretty much rip them apart while feeding)even while letting his roots percolate.
Whoa.



This show is a blast!

Look closely

Is this a freakin' cool poster or what??

True Blood season 2: 6-14-09

Bring on the BLOOD!

Waiting patiently...

SEASON 2 TRAILER:

THRILLER FROM DOWN UNDER

Naturally, the real reason I rented this movie is because Stephen Moyer was starring in it, and I love him in True Blood (as the vampire Bill Compton)...

Restraint is a movie out of Australia from 2007 - I believe it was also known as 'Ravenwood'.
A young couple - Ron and Dale, (Teresa Palmer of 'The Grudge 2' and Travis Fimmel of Patrick Swayze's 'The Beast')commits a murder and is seeking shelter from closing in law enforcement when they come upon the secluded home of Andrew (Moyer) and decide his huge sprawling (yet just a bit on the creepy side) estate is right up their alley as far as a good hiding place.

It is already established within the first few moments that Andrew is severely agoraphobic, but he is also possibly harboring a few secrets of his own.

Check out the trailer, it really sums it up just as good as I could.

Restraint trailer


This is a pretty compelling and worthwhile thriller, with a few turns and twists that are unexpected.
Saying Andrew gets a type of Stockholm Syndrome isn't quite right, but suffice it to say the three get very wrapped up in each other's lives in the few days that go by.

There is a heightened sense of tension and discomfort as you try to figure out just who's screwing with who - figuratively as well as literally.

All three cast members are great, and it's hard to believe it didn't get an American release, especially with Moyer's rising fame due to True Blood.
Naturally, his Louisiana accent from TB is missing, and his native British dialect is on display- though I assume he's supposed to be Australian. Not that the accent isn't a major draw in itself. Sue me, I like him.
Palmer, as Dale, is almost a dead ringer for Kristen Stewart when the movie starts - she dyes her hair blonde later and loses a bit of the lookalike thing, but seriously, they could be sisters. Guys will love her in this movie because there is nothing left to the imagination regarding her anatomy.
Fimmel's character, Ron, is almost intolerable, so you know he's a good actor. I just wanted him to die, he was so annoying.

The cinematography is top-class, and the story is quite believeable. You think almost immediately that Andrew is going to fight back or have some sort of Rambo moment, and when it doesn't happen, it just starts the wheels turning in your head. You can't stop guessing what is going to happen next.

There's no gore to speak of, but it would have been completely unnecessary anyway. The thrills here come from scripting and intrigue.
I'd have loved to see it on the big screen.

It's worth a look - a taut thriller with a uneasiness about it that hard to come by in today's cinema - especially in America.

Bring me the drawing salve, would ya?

WOW.
Love it.



I just watched Splinter (2008), which I bought sight-unseen - something I rarely do (last spontaneous purchase was Sideways, so it's been awhile) - and I was, for lack of a better word, enthralled with it.
I'd been reading about it and hearing about it for months, and it was nearly all great reviews, so I was psyched to see it.
What a different concept. I can see why it won a bunch of indie horror awards. This is good stuff.

The 'monster' in this flick is unlike any I've ever seen in horror, and folks, that in and of itself is refreshing. The closest I can compare it to is 'The Thing". But I have to disagree with some who say it is too much like The Thing. I can't say that's true. Besides, the remake of The Thing was made in 1982...

Splinter's general concept is not entirely unique though.
We've got an unlucky group of people stuck in a building in what seems like a hopeless situation. I've seen that before many a time. Who hasn't? Such as the rather low budget It Waits, the
stellar first Feast movie, The Descent, Evil Dead and Evil Dead II, Alien, The Thing, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead....you see my point? And almost every horror movie puts its characters in perilous danger...

So after a frightening little teaser before the credits, Splinter starts out innocently enough. Seth and Polly (Paulo Costanzo and Jill Wagner) are off to the woods for a romantic camping trip - celebrating an anniversary of togetherness. When the tent they brought fails to be easily set up and then breaks, they opt to go find a motel. On their way, a girl (a drugged out, pale faced Rachel Kerbs playing 'Lacey') jumps out on the road... they stop and when they are looking back at her trying to decide what to do, her convict boyfriend Dennis (the excellent Shea Willingham) shows up at the driver's side window with a gun to car-jack them.

So it's a few miles later and the two hitchhikers are in the car with our couple. It's obvious Lacey is either sick, on drugs, or both. Dennis tries to comfort her but she's just weirded out.
Then they run over something and the tire goes flat. How typical, right? Well what they hit isn't typical. After a brief encounter on the roadway with the unidentifiable creature (which, in an apparent drug-induced stupor Lacey mistakes as a long-dead pet of hers but in reality looks more like a smooshed porcupine), they change the tire and head back down the road, okay until the car starts overheating. They pull into a gas station (I know, there just happens to be one nearby) and begin looking for the cashier/attendant after getting gas and some refreshments. Cause car-jackin' makes ya' hungry!!

Things go WAAAYYY downhill from there. They find the cashier. Or should I say he finds them. The car-jackers and the nice couple end up trapped inside the gas station with a parasitic creature of some sort trying to get in. It's like no other creature you've ever seen, and the effects are above average. If they used any CGI I don't know where. Almost immediately, the group is down to three and they end up working together on the same side against the terror.

This was really paced well, had satisfying character build-up with really good acting, a vastly superior amount of tension that is missing from so many films these days, and a plot worthy of multiple viewings.
The characters all go through a bit of an epiphany throughout the course of the movie, each finding strength they didn't know they had, as well as a few admirable traits that don't surface until near the end.

The reason the movie is called Splinter is apparent after a very short period of time. And like the tagline says, it will get under your skin. There isn't a huge amount of gore, but there are some very disturbing scenes, one in particular involving a utility knife that just about made me (yes, even me!) close my eyes... and that takes ALOT, people. ALOT. But I made it.


Seth, Polly, and Dennis try to figure out how to get free lottery tickets out of the machine...
(just kidding)



Never, I repeat, NEVER... use the restroom at a gas station.
Seriously.


Alternate DVD cover

Splinter Official Site

Splinter/IMDB

Not your average snowboarding holiday...

Cold Prey is a 2006 Norwegian horror movie (with the correct name of 'Fritt Vilt') that I happened upon by seeing its trailer during some other random movie I saw. It looked interesting and even with subtitles I was game for a go.

I was pleasantly surprised, actually. It got me from the beginnning, and though it had many of the same elements of your average 80's slasher flick, I still wanted to see where it was going.

It starts out with two couples and a spare, on their way to a backwoods snowboarding trip. This had to actually be filmed in Norway or the likes, as the scenery was gorgeous.
So they are having a great time on the slopes, letting loose, etc... and of course one of them (the fifth wheel) gets hurt. I'm talking breaks his leg-compound fracture- hurt. Not good.

So what happens next? As easily anticipated, they load the guy on a sled (where it came from I don't know, because they supposedly were miles from the car, and had been snowboarding - so generally it would be considered a burden of sorts to snowboard with a sled on your back, right? But same goes for the skis & poles they seemed to pull out of their ass later...) Anyway - they load the helpless chap up and start walking and they luckily (?) come upon a ski lodge.
Upon further inspection they realize it is mysteriously abandoned (even though there is still lots of booze to get drunk on inside). They break in so that they have shelter for the night, intending to walk out in the a.m. to find help for broken-leg dude.

The usual horror movie tactics follow: investigate the deserted old place, find some strange artifacts and newspapers telling the history of the place, drink excessively, leave a few people alone to get their groove on, gruesome murders start....with a pickaxe no less.

In detail: they start a fire in the fireplace and set the hurt guy up on the couch after splinting and supergluing his compound fracture shut (!), then three of the group start investigating the old place while the lead chick stays with Fracture-Frank...
The three amateur detectives find a burned out room (which happens to be ROOM 237 - apparently an homage to 'The Shining'... I don't miss anything) and wonder just what happened there. Later, two of the three set up shop for the night in one of the rooms but when the horndog tries to have sex with the virgin, she shuts him down and he gets pissed, leaving her alone to be the first victim. Didn't you just see that coming?

Then it turns into a pick-one-at-a-time-off kind of movie, which is nothing new, but to be honest there was really a fair amount of tension while waiting for each to meet his maker. The lighting and atmosphere really lent alot of uneasiness and apprehension. The pacing was great, just enough time to get invested in the well-being of the five friends, then the mayhem starts.

Of course being Norwegian, it was subtitled, but as I've said before, I don't have much problem with that. And the acting was pretty satisfactory, as I came to actually give a crap about each character - as typecast as you'll notice they all are.

The 'monster/killer/freak' was nothing really special, but he had his own backstory which was party indecipherable due to the fact that the movie was foreign - there was a part early on in the film where some of the group finds newpaper articles describing a series of events at the hotel that obviously give cause to our killer and apparently the reason for the desertion, but unfortunately whoever was subtitling for us silly Americans felt it unnecessary to subtitle the newpaper headlines, so we are left to guess what is going on -(the only bad part about the fact that it's a foreign film).

Usually when I see a movie advertised in a trailer or in Fangoria or Rue Morgue that I have never heard of, I am always wary, but sometimes I can be pleasantly surprised, which was the case here. Like I said, there is nothing new here - nothing you haven't seen in say, Wrong Turn (from which I found several similarities)... but it was remarkably free of CGI (always a plus these days) and the whole pickaxe thing hasn't been done (at least not well) since My Bloody Valentine.

I'd have to say check this out. It appears a sequel was out 10-10-08 but I'm not sure if that was at the theater or on DVD. Part 2 is not on Amazon.com yet The website below has the trailers for both- they are not subtitled, but you can certainly get the jist.

Good stuff.


Fritt Vilt/Fritt Vilt II

Why is this called 'Red Mist' ??

Red Mist (a.k.a. Freakdog - actually a much more appropriate title, you'll find out) is an indie horror flick from the guy that brought us 'Shrooms'. It's another one of those 'medical students do really stupid things that could easily muck up their future' movies, and some of what you'll see just reeks of several other similar-themed movies.

Catherine (Arielle Kebbel, who could easily pass for Mandy Moore's sister) is a med student with a bunch of drunken, horny, and ridiculously un-focused fellow med-student friends who are terrribly clichéd. You have your typical blonde rich-bitch (whom you love to hate), the ordinary girl (who, if I'm being honest, has one of the best deaths), the goth girl (channeling her inner Keira Knightly - accent and all), the dorky yet married dude (himself doing his best Seth Rogen impression), the boyfriend type (but still not the so-called McDreamy -and sooooo not the George Clooney/Doug Ross type), and the obligatory smart ass guy who starts all the trouble (I couldn't wait for that blockhead to bite it)...

Catherine has a stalker of sorts. Kenneth, a rather sad yet disturbed young man who enjoys hanging out in the morgue and taking pictures of dead girl's breasts with his cell phone while he cuts himself. Nice.
Kenny shows up at a bar where the aforementioned friends are closing it down getting drunk and taking some drugs they stole from the hospital pharmacy (off to a great start in their medical careers, eh?) Kenny asks if he can walk Catherine home, she politely declines, and so Kenny shows them some pictures on his phone that show them stealing the pharmacy drugs.
I guess he thought he'd try a bit of blackmail to get into Cat's pants, I don't know.

He leaves, but the gang has Catherine convince him to come back and 'party with them'.... They, in turn, make Kenny down (quickly through a funnel, no less) a lethal concoction of alcohol and drugs, then carelessly but unintentionally induce a seizure while using strobe lights with music. Nice. Kenny drops to the floor, unresponsive.

Whilst discussing their options (shades of 'I Know What You Did Last Summer') they wait too long and our boy Kenneth slips into a coma. Then they do the only thing they can do (because this is a movie, after all, and needs to be at least 90 minutes long - gotta do something!) - they dump him off at the hospital, hoping someone finds him.
Of course this throws a major guilt trip on Cat. Everyone else, including her apparent boyfriend, seems to think this is a lucky break. Yay! He's in a coma and can't tell the cops what happened.

Catherine reads up on some experimental drugs that can possibly help coma patients, so in keeping in tune with the 'really f**king stupid things med students do' theme, she forges a doc's name on a prescription and gets said drugs for her 'pal' Kenny. (Would someone explain to me why they would even have these experimental drugs on stock at the hospital pharm? This baffles me.)....

So anyway, she injects Kenny with the drug (because no one at all is in the coma ward late at night - except one floozy nurse who has a penchant for leaving her post and getting her rocks off with a random doctor in the supply closet...) and low and behold, he develops some brain function. Imagine that.
However, unbeknownst to Catherine, the drug apparently makes the brain have 'out of body experiences'... meaning Kenny is somehow able to possess other people, who in turn exact his revenge on the unsuspecting med students who have left him in this deplorable condition.
Seriously.

I didn't dislike this movie, but it left some room for improvement. There were a few sequences near the end that just weren't fluent, and I was left wondering just what had happened. At times, it morphed into 'Shrooms' land for me... with some weird psychedelic images and the unavoidable 'girl running half naked through the woods' experience. I mean, what was she doing out in the woods when this whole film is basically set in a hospital? It left a small bit of continuity fly right out the window.

Red Mist isn't scary, either.
It's more of a psychological morality play with enough gore to place it in the horror category, but the gruesome kills don't even show up till like, 45 minutes into the film.

It's not the type of movie you'd want to pay ten bucks to see at the theater (but what is?) but it would do for a saturday afternoon if you can catch it on the Sci-Fi channel. I mean, it's better than one of those Lifetime movie of the week crap-fests!

After you see it though, you'll realize, like I did - that Freak Dog would have been a much better title. Red Mist sounds like something that is on stage at the Miss America pageant. Ugh.

Can you believe this??

Get this:

I read, just today, that a newly formed production company is remaking The Exorcist - with Dakota Fanning in the Linda Blair role, Nicholas Cage as Father Karras, William Shatner as Father Merrin, and Sharon Stone in the Ellen Burstyn role.

Apparently they are set to start filming in Phoenix, Arizona the beginning of this summer.
Yeah, Phoenix should really be able to sub for Georgetown, right?

My burning questions, I mean the ones that are keeping me up at night, are:

*Do you think the house will be an adobe?
*Will they call "Captain Howdy" Mr. Spock instead?
*Are there rats in Phoenix? If so, will she hear 'rats' in the attic or lizards on the patio?
*Will Regan still utilize a Ouija board or will they use drums, flutes, and chanting to conjure Pazuzu?

*Will Regan's mom perform a strip tease including a chair for her dinner party instead of singing?
*Will Father Karras still fall down a flight of steps, or will he somehow turn into Elvis and sing the devil out of Regan?

*Will Regan use an ice pick in lieu of a crucifix to do those nasty things to her dainty parts?
*Will Father Merrin try to get Regan and her mom a hotel room instead of staying at home to face the demons? I'm thinking Priceline, here folks.

*Will they still use pea soup or will it be a concoction made of peyote cactus?
*Will Regan still pee on the carpet or will Dakota stipulate no bodily functions will be used in the making of this film.... well, there goes the vomiting as well.

*And will Regan actually even be possessed in this version, or just out of her mind at having to listen to Nicholas Cage's monotone voice for two hours?

I don't know who is set to direct it, but I suppose someone like Uwe Boll will get the honors.
I shudder to think.

Can you imagine even re-making this classic film?
It's like re-doing Casablanca with Jessica Alba and Keanu Reeves! YIKES!

By the way, April Fools.

This is not the Twilight crowd's vampires....

I finally got to see the much-hyped vampire movie: Let the Right One In.

Let me tell you, it's sooo worth the hype.



Let the Right One In stars Lina Leandersson as Eli, a mysterious young girl who moves into the apartment beside Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant) and warns him on their first meeting that they cannot be friends.
Yeah, I guess that does sound a bit like Twilight at first, eh? (LOL)
But things are not what they seem.

This movie is based (quite faithfully I might add) on the novel by Swedish author John Ajvide Lindqvist, who thankfully adapted the screenplay as well. The starkness of a 1982 Swedish winter that director Tomas Alfredson brings to the screen is only part of the fantastic atmosphere that surrounds and envelopes this entire film.
And yes, people, it's a Swedish movie so there are subtitles. You can also set up the movie to be dubbed with American, but I prefer to watch people's mouths actually match what the words coming out say, so I use the subtitles with no problem at all.

Oskar, we learn right off, is being bullied at school and as a 12 year old with divorced parents, he is a fairly lost and forlorn pre-adolescent when he meets Eli at the small playground outside their apartment complex. As I said, she tells him they can't be friends, but they end up bonding over a Rubik's cube, which sets in motion a series of events. It is puppy love at its finest, yet there are reasons that Eli and Oskar should not be together.



Spoiler here (as if you hadn't heard): Eli has been 12 a very long time. She is a vampire.

Eli has a father figure, Hakan, that helps keep her deadly secret by procuring her meals.


Nice.

It is never said how or if they are related, but it is obvious he is having more and more doubts about the nature of his duty. When Hakan meets his end, Eli is left alone to try to survive.

Eli and Oskar become close, and he eventually does come to figure out she is not like him.
(Took a bit of time though - guess the pale face smeared with blood finally gave it away.)



Then again, who'd think a 12 year old vampire was living next door?
But Oskar loves Eli despite this inconvienience.

Oskar enlists Eli's advice as far as dealing with his bullies, and being the natural predator she is, Oskar learns from her and starts to take matters into his own hands...



But when Eli's secret is threatened to be exposed, she decides she must leave.

I won't mention the end because it is the most powerful (and bloodiest) part of the film.
Suffice it to say, retribution comes just in time.

By the way, the title of the movie (and book of course) comes from the legend that explains that a vampire must be given permission to enter a house first. This is the first vampire movie I can remember that actually delves into that myth... and shows what happens if they are not actually invited in'...

So, in essence, you have to let the right one in...so to speak.

All in all, this is a slow-moving, bleak film that speaks to the more discerning horror fan. I don't think I've been as impressed with filmmaking in quite some time.
The last few minutes of the movie: sublime.

Unfortunately, word on the street is that come 2010, an Americanized version of this movie will slosh its way into theaters thanks to the money hungry Michael Bay team of hacks. Ugh.

But we'll always have the original to look to for a real look at cinema done right.