Happy Holidays, Horror fans!

And all the best for a frighteningly good 2010!

Review: The Lazaus Project : Death or Deception?

First off, let me say any chance I get to watch Paul Walker onscreen, I'm taking it.

So naturally I've seen some crappy stuff. But along with that, I've enjoyed flicks like The Fast and the Furious, Eight Below, and most especially Joy Ride.

I usually check out most of his movies, so here goes, with The Lazarus Project.

Ben (Paul Walker) is a former criminal, finishing up his parole and getting his life back on track. He's got a wife (Piper Perabo) and daughter, a nice house, and a steady job. He's happy, and that's always too much to ask for, isn't it?

Soon he loses his job after the higher-ups realize he is an ex-con. Faced with the prospect of losing everything he has worked so hard for, he turns to his brother Ricky. Recently back in town, his brother is also a criminal - but he is facing extermination due to debts owed to a mob-like organization. Ben agrees to help him in a burglary that will net them a small fortune.

Naturally, things go ape-shit and he is busted, and finds himself on trial for the murders of a security guard and another man. Though he didn't actually pull the trigger, his involvement is taken seriously in the state of Texas, and (almost unbelievably) he is sentenced to death by lethal injection.

So as he lies on the table, the needles slowly injecting death into his arm, he loses consciousness.

Bizarrely enough, Ben wakes up disoriented and wandering along an Oregon road. A priest (Bob Gunton) picks him up and takes him to a nearby psychiatric hospital. However, Ben is not a patient. The man explains he is the new groundskeeper, and has been given a second chance at life by God. Though thoroughly confused, Ben settles into this new life as best he can. He lives in a cabin near the woods' edge near the hospital, makes a new friend or two, takes in a stray dog that has a penchant for digging at "something" in the front yard, and forms a relationship of sorts with a female shrink (Linda Cardellini) at the facility.

Still, he is plagued by thoughts of his old life and unable to stop himself, he tries to get back to his family. He hops a bus and off he goes.

Stopped by a weird and ominous man in route home, the guy seems to be an angel or demon of some kind, warning Ben that he shouldn't screw around with things, that he was meant to be where he is at and has no chance of returning to his family or the life he once knew.

Basically Ben is told he will die (for real this time) if he leaves the property boundaries.

He starts poking around the hospital, wondering why some rooms are closed off and locked. And why some patients (in an off-limits section of the hospital) are behind bars like common criminals. Others seem to have the same kind of poor recollection of past events as Ben, one guy is even so distraught he kills himself.

Ben is also able to hack into the computers and do some investigating, which is rather odd - I mean, he is a convict. Would he seriously be given liberties to gain access to a computer, and be allowed to wander around the (ungated) property unattended? I mean, he was a death row prisoner. Hello? It's ok for him to be out and about now?

Feeling like he is in some kind of crazy pergatory, Ben begins to piece together the mysteries of the hospital, and in doing so begins to discover that things are not always as they seem.

While quite slow-paced, I have to admit I liked this feature. It's really not fair to complain about the pacing....this is not an action movie. More along the lines of Session 9, I'd say. I've always been fond of unusual mysteries, pot-boilers that take some time to figure out.

And I know alot of people make fun of Walker's acting chops, but he was utterly believeable in this role, and on top of that, I just like to look at him (!)

More a psychological thriller than a horror film, I found it entertaining with only one real flaw that I could see, and I can't explain or I'll give the ending away, and I hate when people do that. But I will say it involves the ending. Not flawed enough to say WTF, but just a bit poorly contrived. Definately a 'Hollywood' ending.

All in all, worth a look.

In praise of Christmas villains...

When I was a kid, part of the happiness I found during the holiday season was watching all those old Christmas specials on tv. You know the ones I mean, because they are timeless and still playing in re-runs every year. But let's take a moment to give a shout-out to the villains of all those great shows. 'Cause after all, no joy is worth it unless you've had to deal with the Heat Miser and other likely suspects.

*Probably my favorite holiday bad-guy is Winter, the nasty warlock from Santa Claus is Coming to Town (1970).

No doubt the scariest wiz since Gandalf, Winter took great pleasure in protecting his lands like Casey Hampton probably does his twinkies.

Winter didn't like anyone trespassing, and took great measures to direct his magic trees to capture Kris Kringle while he was on his way to Sombertown to deliver toys to the kids.
Things looked fairly grim until Kris gives Winter a choo-choo.
This kind gift breaks down Winter's icy demeanor and before you know it, they are dancing and singing.

The true villain of Santa Claus is Coming to Town is probably more likely the mayor of Sombertown, the Burgermeister-Meisterburger - a grouchy bastard who friggin' hates kids, apparently - and doesn't want them having toys at all since his dumb ass tripped over a toy in the street.

So he bans toys and seeks to stop Kris altogether from delivering them secretly. What a prick.

This man seems almost irredeemable, and I hate him even after the town realizes how ridiculous his laws are and oust him, allowing Kris to morph into Santa Claus and continue his toy deliveries, albeit only once a year now.

*My second favorite villain is a two-fer.

In the hilarious Year without a Santa Claus(1974), we get the amusing and lively Snow Miser, as well as the gruff and boorish Heat Miser.

When Santa Claus is advised to take a rest, (Duh! he works once a year, people! I wish I had his job) Santa has become disillusioned with Christmas, believing most folks no longer believe in him and wouldn't miss him, so he decides to take off a year.
Naturally, this does not sit well, particularly with a couple of elves apparently worried about job security.
They take off to find some true believers and get lost in Southtown, where their reindeer (disguised as a dog so as not to draw attention - WTF?) gets taken to the pound.

When explaining that they are elves and the dog a reindeer, the Mayor balks at them and says he'll only release the deer if they can use their 'elfy magic' and make it snow in their town.

This takes the elves to Snow Miser for a plea for the white stuff. But Snow Miser doesn't own that territory so they have to make a deal with the Heat Miser. Trouble ensues. As does one of the catchiest tunes from any special out there.

Actually though, once again I think the true scares in this one don't come from the Miser duo, but from their madre, Mother Nature herself. I've no doubt she could kick the shit out of both of her sons, and anyone else that got in her way.

When I was small, her loud bellowing voice scared the shit out of me. I just wanted her to go away!

She was like Julia Child on steroids!

*Truly my favorite holiday special was no doubt Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964). When I was small I tape recorded it (back in the days of cassette recorders!) and listened to it over and over throughout the season - not even any VCR's back then, kiddies!. I loved it.

But I doubt I was ever scared of The Abominable Snowman, or Bumble as he was affectionately called.

While he frightened Rudolph and the gang quite rightly, I always wondered why Donner was so afraid - he seemed like such a bully, always bitching at Rudolph about his nose. If he was such a tough guy why didn't he make a stand? Instead, little misfit Hermie had to do it. Score!

I almost felt bad for the Bumble when they tore out all his damn teeth. But then again, if he'd have eaten Rudolph it wouldn't have ended quite the same. Venison, anyone?

But if I'm being honest here, Yukon Cornelius was ten times as frightening as the snowmonster.

Holy crap that dude was loud! He needed to put a lid on it. I was actually excited when he went over the cliff. Alas, he returned in the end. This was a kid's show, after all.

But seriously, he and Mother Nature should get together.
STFU!

*Next up, The Grinch.

Don't think there's much I need to say here. We all know the story (and the song) about the ghastly green son-of-a-bitch who dared to make the Whos' Christmas anything but stellar.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) is one of the best out there, and I'm not talking about the absurd Jim Carrey version. I'm talkin' the Karloff-narrated gem that is shown 437 times between Halloween and New Years on TNT.

It is utterly timeless, and I never tire of it.

When he sticks those antlers on the poor dog, and when he steals the last little crumb on the floor...priceless. Though I actually giggle when he is lugging all that shit up the mountain.

At last redeemed by his bursting heart, the Grinch still remains the ultimate Christmas villan because he just wanted to eliminate the holiday altogether. Sometimes, I agree.

*Can I be completely honest when I tell you that Frosty the Snowman is really annoying?
Yes, I always watched it when I was a kid, but now that I'm an adult it really just bugs the hell out of me. And it's not a snowman thing. Quite to the contrary, I actually collect snowmen and love the darn things.

But Frosty?

Okay, I think it comes down to the Happy Birthday thing. WTF?

His voice grates my nerves.
And Karen? What the heck kind of friend is she, making Frosty drag her into a toasty greenhouse up there at the North Pole? I think exposing kids to that kind of thing is cruel. Essentially, Frosty melts into a puddle of goo. Not a nice picture. Almost a horror cartoon.

But then ole Frosty comes back to life and all is well. And it's all Happy Birthday all over again.
Shit.

The main creep in Frosty is Professor Hinkle, the so-called magician.

Despite the fact that he can make it all go away with the stupid magic hat, I still don't like him. Whomever they got to voice these characters just got on my last nerve. Even Jimmy Durante as Frosty jerked my chain.

And if we're being truthful here, Hinkle wasn't the villan of Frosty.
The freakin' SUN took Frosty out!

Heat. Warmth. See-ya.

*In the same holiday vein we have Rudolph's Shiny New Year (1976) - obviously about the new year and not Christmas. The villain in this one is a buzzard.

Yes, you heard right.

For some reason, Father Time has asked Rudolph (in all his infinite wisdom) to find the next Baby New Year before midnight arrives and everyone is doomed.

(Well, I don't know if everyone is doomed, but I think that's what they were going for.)

Aeon the Buzzard wreaks havoc with Rudolph and his

buddies as they search through the various periods of time (this is really dumb, actually) and Ae

on doesn't let up until they actually find the baby and he sees how big the baby's ears are!

It makes Aeon double over in laughter and the day is saved! As is the New Year, natch!

Yikes.

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that the reason the no longer show this one that often is due to the blatant jokes made at the baby's ears' expense. I mean, that really isn't what you want to teach your kids - how to make fun of someone and get away with it.

*I don't think Charles Dickens could ever imagine all the ways his

timeless story 'A Christmas Carol' would be told.

But no matter how it is delivered, it still tells the same story of redemption.

And ghosts. And one

Long a favorite story of mine (though I'm partial to the George C. Scott 1984 adaption), A Christmas Carol was made into a cartoon starring none other than Mister Magoo.

I have to agree, if Magoo was going to star in a holiday special, this was the one.

Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962) pre-dates even Rudolph, and featured the voice of Jim Backus (aka Thurston Howell, III)!

Also feeding the Dickens' fire was the 1983 special - Mickey's Christmas Carol, which of course gave us Donald Duck as the titular Ebenezer Scrooge character.

While some folks may consider Scrooge the villain here - and he was a rat-bastard for most of the time - I was always scared shitless of the ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. I had nightmares about the ethereal antagonist coming to get me while I slept. Not necessarily the Magoo version, but something of the likes.

The ghost of Xmas future is pretty fat in the above pic, don't you think? What the hell is under all those robes?

Actually, here's the one that haunts my dreams to this day.

And last but certainly not least, we have A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965).
Definitely the most charming and enjoyable of all Christmas specials, the moral here is a religious one, and I, for one, am shocked it continues to still get play. But I'm glad, because it's just simply put- superb.

To find a villain here is difficult, but not impossible. It becomes obvious as you get older that the true bad guy here is commercialism.





When Charlie Brown goes to the Christmas tree lot and sees all the silver and colored aluminum trees, he has a near shit-fit and buys his famous sad little tree.



Dejected further by seeing Snoopy's first place win for his decorated dog house, he takes that moment to add an ornament to his pathetic sapling, effectively killing it.



You don't have to be inherently spiritual to get the basic facts. We all rush around too much, buy too much, and strive to out decorate the Joneses next door - when we should be just enjoying the time we have to spend with our loved ones. At the risk of sounding too sentimental, isn't that what it's all about?

But then again, this post is about villains, right?
So I vote for Lucy as the villain of A Charlie Brown Christmas.



God, she's a bitch!

Mindless Movie Monday: Hell Night

In honor of my first Mindless Monday, I wanted to choose a movie that was near and dear to my heart.
And that movie is Hell Night - a pointless, almost goofy example of filmmaking from the golden age of slasher flicks. And yes, I own it.

Produced by Irwin Yablans (who gave us Halloween {1978} for God's sake!) in 1981, Hell Night tells the tale of a quartet of college Greek week pledges who have to stay in the dreaded Garth Manor (enter the "da-dum!" scary music here) overnight in order to fullfill their initiation requirements to join the fraternity/sorority of their choice.

Two of our group of frat/sorority wannabes, Seth (Vincent Van Patten) and Denise (Suki Goodwin) are eager to get the ball rolling and have brought provisions such as Jack Daniels and Quaaludes. The other duo, Jeff (Peter Barton) and Marty (Linda Blair) are more hesitant, though Jeff certainly has his eye on Marty...at chest level of course. Because let's face it, Linda Blair's heaving hooters are the real star of this show. Dressed like some sort of Victorian damsel in distress in a gown that shoves her massive mammaries front and center to shake, rattle and roll, Blair is obviously supposed to be the marquee name here, but to be honest, I liked her better when she was spewing pea soup and accosting herself with a crucifix, truth be told.

I'm assuming the pre-party to this event was either a Halloween or costume party, because there is no other reason on earth for these kids to have worn the clothes they had on. Seth is dressed like Robin Hood or some such thing, but strangely enough, he completes the getup with boxers featuring hearts all over them, which we do, indeed get to see later. (Somehow I'm thinking Robin would not have chosen to wear said undergarments...)

Denise is supposed to be a 20's flapper I think, but she just flat-out looks like a hooker. Apropos.

Anyway, the jist of the story is that the nasty reputation of Garth Manor is well deserved after Daddy Garth strangled his wife then murdered the rest of his family and then hanged himself. However, the police never found the body of the youngest Garth child, Andrew. Who was, of course, deformed and deranged. Yeah, that's never been done before.

So while our four pledges settle into the mansion (which no one has supposedly gone into in the twelve years since the tragedy - but there are like, a hundred candles all over the place lit up like a carnival), the president of the fraternity and a couple of his cronies set their little plan in motion, as they are planning to scare the shit out of the pledges with their silly tricks and mechanical pranks.

Recorded disembodied screams, ghostly specters, and things that go bump in the night start to frighten and unnerve the foursome, but not enough for Seth and Denise to avoid having sex. Which brings me to another thought. If this house had not been inhabited for over twelve years, I know for a hard fact that no matter how drunk, high, or horny I was, I would not be crawling between the moldy sheets on one of those beds. No way, no how. And I love how all the comforts of home (i.e. blankets, pillows, etc) are all readily available. So I guess they had a maid service come in and clean all the blood out of the house after the murders and primp the bedrooms up for guests.
Seriously?

Naturally, the scary tale about the Garth family isn't just an urban legend, and there really is someone prowling around the old home. And when the trio who set out to frighten the pledges start getting offed one by one, the others realize something is amiss. Go figure.

There are a few scares to be had here, if you're looking for some. I was always freaked out by the scene where two of our group are sitting in a bedroom, holding a pitchfork, waiting for nasty shit to go down, eyes placed firmly on the bedroom door...when behind them one of the carpets on the floor starts to rise up. Someone is coming up through a hidden trap door on the floor. And they can't see it.

Nice.

No one here is winning any Oscars. And whatever became of the three other leads is beyond me. Barton was a real looker back in the day, and Van Patten had the whole surfer-dude thing going for him, but I'll be damned if I can think of anything else I've seen them in since.

And to be honest, I think Linda Blair should have been taken out and shot after her performance in this gem. She quivers and squirms! She rolls her eyes in terror! She whines and clutches the big strong man in fear! She gasps and screams! She shakes her chest for all its worth!

Shoot me now, her acting is hokey and completely over the top. Pretty much everyone else involved (including the ghost of Raymond Garth) is doing a more presentable job than our Exorcist reject. As a matter of fact, I think I saw somewhere that she was nominated for a Golden Raspberry (The Razzies!) for her performance. How she didn't win is beyond me.

But all in all, Hell Night isn't a true throw-away slice and dice. I grew up in this era - the dawn of the slasher film - and it holds a special place in my heart as one of those movies that actually scared me a bit when I saw it for the first time. The Garth mansion is utterly spooky at night, with all its gables, turrets and peaks. And who isn't invigorated at the thought of spending the night in a freaky old house where something completely awful happened? And when I was thirteen, it was scary!

So while there's nothing new here at all, it's worth a look simply to give yourself a laugh at Blair, or to dredge up all those lovely teenage memories of things that wouldn't scare you now if your life depended on it. (Though I'd still say Hell Night could run rings around the remake of The Haunting!)

*Oh, and I just had to throw in this pic of the actual house they used for the film - it is the Kimberly Crest House and Gardens in Redlands, California. Absolutely gorgeous, and on the U.S. National Register of Historic Places. (But you can see how it could be transformed into a menacing mansion with just a bit of darkness.)

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Just a bit of sunday gore...


My Bloody Valentine



The Strangers



JAWS



Martyrs



Mortuary