We ARE the Disease: Rabies (2011)

At first, Rabies seems like just another "killer in the woods" movie, but patience leads to an effective debut horror flick from Israel. 

First I have to say, don't turn this film on expecting to see a rehash of Cujo.  Not going to happen.  This movie has less to do with literal rabies and more to do with figurative rabies. Rabies in the way of madness, not disease.  We've got revenge, incest, crooked cops, un-exploded mine fields, bear traps, sexual deviants (and that is besides the incest!) - all kinds of fun.

Filmmakers Aharon Keshales and Navot Paushado first introduce us to a couple that are experiencing some kind of trauma.  In the woods, Tali (Liat Harlev) is a young woman apparently trapped in a hole in the ground and her suitor Ofer (or brother, as we learn later in an incestuous curve-ball) is attempting to find a way to get her out. It's an effective start, and begins in complete darkness as we hear the couple try to gauge their situation and remedy their unusual predicament. When Ofer (Henry David) says he is going for help, we hear a struggle off-screen with an obvious poor end result.

Within the film you'll quickly notice that the director has decided to cut from scene to scene, meaning that just as we think a situation is resolving, he moves to another group and their progress.  (At first it seems distracting, but you get used to it quickly and actually look forward to this technique.)
Also figuring in are Menashe (Menashe Noy) and Rona ( Efrat Boimold), a couple that take their dog into the woods with them. Menashe is a park ranger and is doing some sort of survey on the fox population in the area (riveting work, I'm sure). They squabble lovingly, chatting on walkies after splitting up in different directions.

Thrown into this already distracting mix are Mikey (Ran Danker) and Pini (Ofer Schecter), off to a tennis tournament with two girls, Adi (Ania Bukstein, seemingly the token lesbian) and Shir ((Yael Grobglas, who seems rather virginal but we are never truly informed).  They are barreling down the highway adjacent to the woods when they hit the mortally wounded Ofer, on the run from an unseen presence.

This unseen presence isn't so unseen to us, the audience.  Almost immediately we are privy to the killer's identity, which more or less throws all caution to the wind.  We know he's out there, but they don't.  Not really a different approach, but somehow it works. 

What begins to happen, after the body count starts, is that everyone seems to unhinge a little bit at a time.  When the tennis quartet hits Ofer with their car, Mikey and Pini go off with him into the woods to find his girlfriend, leaving the two girls alone (in a rather "of course!" kind of move).  Soon the police arrive, but this isn't exactly comforting when you realize one of the cops, Yuval (Danny Geva) , is a male chauvinist pig who uses his authority to prey on women.  The other cop, Danny (Lior Ashkenazi), seems like a decent enough guy, but is quarreling by cell phone with his wife and is therefore not really paying attention to Yuval as he sexually accosts Shir by checking her for weapons.  Why he thinks she would have a lethal weapon up her vagina is beyond me. 

As the film progresses, secrets are revealed, relationships collapse, risks are taken, mistakes are colossal, and much blood is spilled.  I wouldn't say there is a real twist of any kind, like so many films try to pull off near the end, but there are surprises that you won't see coming.  Just when you think you've figured out their "final girl/guy" strategy, you find you're baffled by yet another shock.  Some definite "gasp" moments here, a few of which are truly crushing.

Something else that impressed me here was the dark humor that infiltrated the film at interesting moments. In fact, there is a hilarious scene near the end in which one of our characters is trying to procure a ride from a family lost in the woods as they were.  They are too busy bickering amongst themselves to notice the person they are offering a ride to is covered in blood and can barely speak. 
Also humorous is the last scene of the film, in which our killer (Yaron Motola) is trying to hitchhike and no one will pick him up, so he ironically shouts something about the country being full of shits.  I don't think it's giving too much away to let you know he is in the last scene.  His presence is almost metaphorical. The film is so much more about the various other relationships and how far we can go when pushed.

And yet, there are times of true poignancy, when a dying character is trying to make it home in time to erase some strongly-worded rants left on an answering machine to an estranged lover.  You really want said individual to make it home and smooth things over.
To be able to reach an audience enough to have them feel that tug of bittersweet sadness for the plight of a character is no small feat in a horror film.

I believe if this film is indicative of how passionate these two filmmakers are about their work, we can expect good things from them in the future.  And perhaps from Israel in general.

Book Review: Haunted Legends

*Review by Marie Robinson

Greetings, bibliophiles! I just finished a book that I think is worthy of sharing. The title is Haunted Legends, and it is an anthology edited by Ellen Datlow (who puts together some seriously awesome books) and Nick Mamatas, published by Tor, who specializes in speculative fiction (in case you don’t know, that is science fiction, fantasy, or horror, in brief). They invited the modern masters of the genre to contribute a tale; however, to make it more interesting, they asked the authors to draw inspiration from a legend, ghost story, or folktale from their town.

You all know I am a sucker for folklore, so it was love at first sight when I blindly picked up this book at Barnes & Noble. Usually I go for gothic classics, and I am ashamed to say I was a little wary about reading modern voice, but this book (or maybe these authors) instantly made me feel sorry for being so close-minded. I had never heard of any of the writers, but I am positive I will find myself researching many of them on Amazon once I finish this article. Some of my favorites were from Steven Pirie, Caitlin R. Kiernan, John Mantooth, and Jeffrey Ford. A few of the others have quite an impressive list of previous publishing’s—such as Ramsey Campbell, who has penned dozens of novels and short story collections, and Joe R. Lansdale, whose books have inspired two films by Don Coscarelli, the much beloved Bubba Ho-Tep starring Bruce Campbell, and the Masters of Horror piece Incident On and Off and Mountain Road.

"Spring-Heeled Jack"

Just to give you a taste of what you are in for, let me elaborate on a few of the fables the authors got their inspiration from. There is the legend of La Llorona, a Mexican ghost of a woman who cries at the edge of water. It is said that she is weeping for her children, whom she drowned, drowning herself from grief afterward. Spring-Heeled Jack, a devilish figure who travels across the U.K. in bounding, sky-high leaps, stopping to torment people along the way. A Devil Bird from Texas who bares a face like a gorilla and sends whatever town it is seen in into frenzied panic. And a black car that stalks unfortunate victims, often to their death.

There is a tale from nearly every continent. Some feel familiar, as if a childhood friend has told them to you on a dark night. Others feel fantastical and poetic, pulled from a dream. The stories are most assuredly fiction, but the sources… well, it’s up to you whether or not the legends have any truth to them.
Maybe Haunted Legends has a tale from your very own town! Here is one from mine…

"The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"
Irving's inspiration is said to have come from German folklore.

I reside in St. Louis, Missouri, which holds plenty of folklore itself—such as the famously haunted Lemp Mansion—but the story I want to relay is just across the river in Bellville, Illinois. This town holds a place affectionately called Albino Twin Train Tracks—the name itself is creepy enough to catch your interest. The story goes that a family gave birth to albino twins in the late eighteen hundreds. Soon after, a sickness fell over the town and out of lack of explanation for the cause the residents blamed it on the twins. The albino tots were then strapped to the train tracks and left to their grisly death. Now they are believed to haunt the tracks, and it is told that if you put your car in neutral over the tracks, they will push your car across to safety. Although some people think that the little ghost twins want to push you onto the tracks, for revenge!

I’d like to encourage everyone to share in the comments a local legend they might know from their own town. I love a good spooky tale!

Awards and Rules, FWF-style

A few weeks back my blogging pal Michele (of The Girl Who Loves Horror fame) bestowed an award on my blog, and a few days ago, my pal Jimmy (of Dr. Terror's Blog of Horrors) granted me the same accolade.  I know a lot of people balk at blog awards but I am always thankful that people read my blog and appreciate it enough to recommend it to others.  So to Michele and Jimmy, I say thank you so much. I read and love both your blogs, and am happy to see this thing through.... 

Rule Number One: Tell everyone something that no one else knows about you.

 Right off the bat that's a tough one.  I'm private, but I'm not that obscure. I could tell you all that I was reading at a ninth grade level when I was in the fourth grade and that I was in a special class for reading and spelling but not for the reasons you think.  It was because there were only four of us in the class that were reading and spelling at that level. Yeah, that's boring. SO. I'll tell you (and this is really no secret to those close to me) that I am an avid  erm...crazed...um...passionate oh hell...OBSESSED fan of thoroughbred horse racing. Running a very close second to horror is my extreme devotion to the sport of kings.  It probably came from my dad, with whom I remember watching the likes of Seattle Slew (my favorite horse and my namesake for emails and online names) and Affirmed win the Triple Crown in '77 and '78.  I love it for the horses, more than anything.  I'm not much of a gambler, truth be told.  I'm too cheap to really bet a lot.  I did, however, win almost $400 last fall at the Breeders' Cup and spent only $6 to do it.  And I've hit my share of Derby winners, some 50-1 long shots, which is always nice. I watch racing year round, and plan my schedule around the big races.  No one... I REPEAT... no one, interrupts or bothers me on the first Saturday in May. And no one would expect me to be present at any event they would have on that day or any of the Triple Crown races or on Breeders' Cup day. When my grandfather died in mid-May several years ago, I came home in between funeral home visiting hours to watch Smarty Jones win the Preakness Stakes (and I truly believe my grandpap would have understood!) See, I'm so passionate I can't quit talking about it....

Rule Number Two:  Link to one of the posts that you personally think best fits the following categories:
 
1. Most Beautiful Piece: 

When writing a horror blog, it's kind of hard to call things beautiful.  But this can be taken two ways.. for some, gore is beautiful, so for those folks, I say check out my on-going series "Sunday Bloody Sunday".
For me though, beauty is passion - and I don't think I've written more passionately than when I wrote "From VHS To Netflix: My Journey With Horror Rentals". It's nothing extraordinary - just a look back at my own roots of horror, and my experience from my teens to current with getting my hands on the films that shape my love of the genre.  Readers seemed to like this one.  Me too.

2. Most Helpful Piece: 

 "Halloween Festival Of Lists:  October 22:  Twenty-Two Non-Fiction Tomes Of Terror".  These lists from last fall just about killed me to write, it got overwhelming at the end.  But this particular list is an awesome checklist of superb books that cover nearly all aspects of the horror genre, from ghosts to monsters to horror movie survival guides.  You're bound to find something on there of interest.

3. Most Popular Piece:  

 Based on page-views, it would be "A Decade of Debauchery: My Favorite Films of the 2000's."  I've always done a lot of lists, but this one proved insanely popular.  It's gotten over 23,000 hits alone. That seems like a fair amount for this lowly blog.  I didn't list them chronologically, I went at it categorically, as in 'favorite monster film', 'favorite gore-fest', 'favorite anthology', etc. 


4. Most Controversial Piece

 Actually, I removed my most controversial piece.  There was this whole blow-out a few years back about a "Ms. Horror Blogosphere" contest. A fellow blogger had come up with the idea and it was all in fun but was taken waaay too seriously.  Things were taken out of context and people got hurt and blamed and pissed...and the post was my feelings on the matter.  I don't even recall what I wrote, but I defended my fellow female bloggers that were part of the "competition" and retained my position and eventually the whole thing blew over.  But holy hell. 
If you don't count what is no longer here, I'd have to say I was close to drumming up controversy with my post "Apparently, Dracula Is Losing To Twilight: Ranting On The Current State Of Youth & Genre Fiction", but everyone tended to agree with me, so there's that.

5. Most Surprisingly Successful Piece:


"Going Out On A Limb: Trees In Horror": My blog stats list this unbelievably high, and I'm not sure why.  While it's a decent list - creative even - it's nothing truly special. It took me all of a half hour to write it. You never know, do you?

6. Most Underrated Piece:

'Argento Films 101: An Interview With Author James Gracey":  This interview was posted in the middle of "Women in Horror Month" and that was a mistake because I think it lost the momentum it truly deserved.  It is a fascinating and lengthy look inside the films of Dario Argento and gave a sneak peak of Gracey's (now published) book. It's in-depth, intriguing, and informative. It was done craftily, since James lives in Northern Ireland and myself here in the states, and it took a while to come together. It also forged a friendship of like minds and kindred souls, so I'm most thankful for that. If you even remotely like Argento, read this post.

7. Most Pride-Worthy Piece

"Dancing Dwarfs And Damn Fine Coffee: Twin Peaks' 20th Anniversary" : This is probably my favorite post of everything I've written so far.  I was a huge, obsessive fan of TP, and still am.  This article took me a long time to write, but only because I savored in the memory of all things Peaks. It has twenty reasons to love the series, which means there are twenty reasons you should click on that link! 

 Rule Number Three: Pass this award on to seven other bloggers.I'm not much for pushing people into continuing these types of posts, so I will just list the blogs that I have on favorites on my iPod - which means I can check them at any time, on the go or wherever.
Whether or not they want to continue is up to them, so here goes:

Behind the Couch

The Horror Digest

Kindertrauma

From Midnight, With Love

Day of the Woman

The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense

The Lightning Bug's Lair

And two to grow on: 

Planet of Terror

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby

Roots Of Horror: Let Your Mind Wander

Article by Marie Robinson

Greetings, dear friends! I must confess to you my two passions: horror, and folklore. Luckily for me, they often go hand-in-hand! One day I dream of becoming a folklore expert, and it would be an honor if you would all allow me to spill my knowledge on the strangest of tales. Yarns that have been remembered through time, through all cultures of the world, and also, through film. Creatures and phenomenon that are so extraordinary, so bizarre... that you can’t help but wonder, “Are they real?”

*ASTRAL PROJECTING*

In the 2010 flick Insidious, a boy named Dalton becomes mysteriously “comatose”. With the help of a psychic his parents determine that the child was actually astral projecting in his sleep and becomes trapped in a realm called “the Further”.

Regardless of whether Insidious was a good movie or not (the film received many mixed reviews), I believe the psychic phenomenon that it is based upon is much more interesting than any element of the movie itself; be it plot, script, acting, what have you.

There are intricate theories based on the idea that humans have different levels of consciousness, and these are often referred to as “bodies”—not to be confused with a physical body. One of the most commonly referenced “bodies” is the astral body. Coming from the Greek word meaning ‘star’, an astral body is an energy-composed duplicate of one’s self, and is thought by Theosophists to be contained in a case of shimmering light and is visible only to a person who is sensitive or psychic.

The astral body can rise out of your physical form and ascend to the astral plane or realm. The act of traveling to the astral plane is called astral projecting, the very same activity our little Dalton gets carried away with in Insidious.

The way Dalton leaves his physical body is the same way many astral projectors do—while sleeping. In fact, you must put your body into a state of rest to free your astral form. Once you have reached the perfect, trance-like state, and you separate your consciousness from your natural body, you may get up, walk around, fly, and explore the astral plane to your desire!

Many astral projectors tell of seeing their sleeping body, even floating over it! You have probably also heard this referred to as an “out of body experience”.

Let’s talk more about the astral plane, shall we? Believe me, it sounds much more fun than “the Further”—no ghost-infested houses and cheesy looking demons to report yet! It is believed to be an alternate reality, or dimension, if you will, that is inhabited by disembodied entities and higher beings. Occults claim that the astral plane is invisible to the naked eye, and can be accessed and viewed only by way of astral projection or physic abilities.

Now, there are of course many skeptics who dash these ideas of astral nonsense away to simple explanations of dreams or madness, but there are also people who hold great belief in it. There is even a man, Robert Monroe, who is such a well-achieved astral projector that he has formed his own establishment (the Monroe Institute) that actually holds classes on how to learn the same art he has mastered. There are many books and websites that contain detailed practices you can do on your own to become an astral traveler.

But I must warn you to be careful, and not to get lost like our dear Dalton, or you could end up trapped in a movie with Patrick Wilson, for the rest of eternity…

Is It All In Your Mind? The Yellow Wallpaper (2011)

Greetings horror lovers!
Today I will be reviewing the 2011 film The Yellow Wallpaper.
It is the first feature length film of director Logan Thomas, who has been told to have an experimental style, and this is definitely present in his horror film.

 If the title sounds familiar to you, it is because the film is based off a short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman about a woman going through postpartum psychosis. I don’t usually like to compare movies to their written roots because they are two different medias, and adaptations are allowed to have their own interpretations; that is the beauty of art.

However, there are some that come out absolutely atrocious. For example, the 2012 remake of The Woman in Black.  That movie is just… awful.  The Yellow Wallpaper is a whole new telling of Ms. Gilman’s story, but I believe it does it well, and it stands alone as its own independent version of the story.

 It turns out the film was written in part by Aric Cushing, who is also the protagonist in the film. He plays John Weiland, a doctor who is moving into a new home with his wife and her sister after a ravaging fire takes their home and their young daughter, Sarah.

 John’s wife, Charlotte (played by Juliete Landau, who co-starred in Ed Wood), has been struggling with her composure and her sanity ever since the fire. Her and John have become distant because she silently blames herself and her husband for their daughter’s death, for they were becoming “intimate” at the time the fire broke out.

 Charlotte’s sister, Jennie Gilman, is portrayed by the FABULOUS Dale Dickey, seen in Winter’s Bone and Super 8. Jennie is along to provide support for Charlotte and help her through this tragedy. She is strong and kind but “over-exaggerates”, as John believes.

The film is set simply in America, 1892, and is foreboding from the start. The house that the family is carriage-bound for was told to them by a man named Mr. Hendricks, who wrote to them once he heard of the devastating fire. He seems like a nice enough guy, but Jennie gets the feeling that there are things being left unsaid.

 Overcome with grief, they are struggling to adapt to life in the house. “We lived as if in a dream, from which we could not awaken,” John says in his solemn voice. The locals are strange and prying; the whole town is a mystery. There are strange noises in the woods, an infestation of rats, and whenever anyone tries to travel into town, they end up lost in a dusty wasteland.

Charlotte is troubled by apparitions of her daughter, and often retreats into the attic, a small room covered in bright yellow wallpaper. The house becomes stranger and stranger the longer they inhabit it; they are plagued by vanishing intruders and unexplainable noises. Things become too much for Jennie, who decides to leave the house for some time.

 As they are left alone, John and Charlotte cease to be bothered by the entities and begin to rebuild their relationship. Their days are filled with the quiet love that they have not felt since they lost their daughter, and Charlotte insists that they remain in the house, for she can feel Sarah’s presence surrounding it.

 Jennie returns, but not alone; she brings along an old friend and psychic by the name of Catherine (Veronica Cartwright, most notably seen in The Birds!), whom John and Charlotte reluctantly accept her into their house.

This is where the film takes it’s spiraling turn, which I must leave for you to interpret for yourself. Let me just tell you that the rest is pretty flipping crazy, and I want you all to see this movie so we can talk about it and I can perhaps fully understand the events that take place.

 The first thing I noticed about this movie was its splendid dramatic score, which was done by the director himself. It carries throughout the whole movie and never gives you a moment to rest and collect your sanity. I was also impressed by the script, which Thomas and Cushing created entirely themselves since the story has very little dialogue to work with.

 If you noticed the connection between the character names and the author’s name, it is because Gilman’s story was semi-autobiographical, and all the names in the film are the names used in the short story. However, Gilman struggled through madness after the birth of her child, rather than the death of it as the film’s Charlotte does.

 Overall, I was pretty pleased with the film. It wasn’t what I was expected having been familiar with the written story, but I enjoyed the story they created through inspiration of Gilman’s piece. The experimental quality was refreshing, as I prefer to not have my plots handed to me on a silver platter, and the cinematography was a mixture of soft, dusty light and lovely shadows.

 The genre is definitely horror, but it is hard to say if it is a ghost story or something much stranger. Whatever it may be, it is certainly a fresh perspective on old tropes, and it is a film that will keep you on the edge of your seat, and on the brink of insanity.

 “Through watching so much at night, when it changes so, I have finally found out. The front pattern does move -- and no wonder! The woman behind shakes it!” –Charlotte Perkins Gilman

 *Review by MR

Let Sleeping Ghosts Lie: The Innkeepers (2011)

Greetings again from me, Marie! What you are quickly learning about me is that I am a sucker for a ghost story. In fact, they are my favorite kind of story!

I’ve been lucky enough to find two deliciously chilling stories of specters from the very same year! 2011 has been kind enough to give us The Awakening (the film I reviewed in my last post), and The Innkeepers.

The latter comes to us from fledgling horror director Ti West, who is best known for his 2009 picture House of the Devil. If you have not seen House of the Devil, you simply must! But that is a topic that would stem an article of its own (go watch it, it’s on Netflix!).

Now we all know that hotels are creepy as hell, we can thank Stephen King for that (thanks, Steve), and the Yankee Pedlar Inn is no exception. And nothing is creepier than an empty hotel, and this particular one is pretty near hollow—most of the rooms stripped of all furniture—for it is the hotel’s final weekend open.

As the film starts out, the building is occupied by only a few souls. There are the two young staff members—the adorable and quirky Claire (played by Sara Paxton, who has acted in such cinematic achievements as Shark Night and the Last House on the Left remake), and the snarky and dorky Luke (Pat Healy). And there are the three occupants—a mother and her child (who Luke affectionately refers to as “that bitch and her kid”) and an aging actress past her prime in town for a convention (Kelly McGillis).

Luke just so happens to run a website on the Yankee Pedlar, which provides a history of the building and accounts of encounters with its alleged ghostly occupants. Even though Luke is the only person who has had actual experiences, Claire is eager to have one of her own and thinks that since the hotel is nearly empty, they have a good chance of making “contact”.

The ghost in question is that of Madeline O’Malley, who was once a guest at the inn and believed to have hung herself there, her body then stowed in the basement by the original owners to avoid bad press.

As night descends Claire is left alone after Luke goes to seek some shut-eye in one of the empty rooms.
Out of boredom and curiosity Claire picks up the EVP recorder (for those of you who aren’t ghost nerds like me, that stands for Electronic Voice Phenomena) that Luke has left for his ghost hunting and makes her way from room to room, trying to pick up the disembodied voice of Madeline O’Malley. The darkness and the silence of the hotel causes Claire to become tense and alert to every small sound, but little actually happens except for some mysterious knocks and rattles and the gentle tinkering of a piano.

As she becomes overwhelmed by her experiences, she receives some unexpected help from Lee Rease-Jones, the retired actress who is residing in the hotel. Lee reveals that the convention she is in town for is a gathering of psychics and healers, and that she herself is a medium. She says that she can help Claire come in contact with Madeline O’Malley through means of her pendulum, her psychic tool of choice.
She does indeed get the ghost on the line, and manages to provide Claire with one important piece of advice—don’t go in the basement.

The next morning, a final guest checks in; a strange old man who insists that he have room 353, even if he has to sleep in it without any furniture, for that room has already been stripped in preparation for the hotel’s closing.

Later on the staff prepares for another long night of boredom by cracking open some beers and going on another EVP hunt. Silly drunk Claire suggests that they investigate the basement (you know, the place where she isn’t supposed to go), and as things get downright spooky, Luke becomes overcome with fear and flees the hotel, leaving Claire alone with the two remaining guests, and whatever ghosts are present as well.

Here’s what I can tell you: Luke isn’t the paranormal expert he claims to be, Lee knows something that she isn’t telling anyone, the man in room 353 has picked his room for a very specific purpose, and Claire is in some serious trouble.

Now, I will admit the first hour of the movie is pretty slow-paced—okay, very slow-paced—and I can’t guarantee it will be able to hold you (I almost gave up on it myself), but I certainly hope it does because the ending is well worth it. The final moments are packed with some serious creepy action and I am just crazy about the ending.

I must say, though, I am really into this Ti West guy. House of the Devil was crazy amazing and that movie and this one show how stylish and clever of a director he is. He loves to start off with a steady-paced story and then—BOOM! Lay the scares on you all at once. It does have a good effect—that is, if you’re into having heart attacks—and I think his ideas are very original.

The characters in The Innkeepers all have a very natural feel to them, particularly Claire and Luke. Their close friendship and sarcastic sense of humor make them very realistic and believable, and they generally seem like fun people to pass the hours with. Okay, maybe not Luke, he’s kind of a prick. But I would definitely be down to hang out with the creepy old man in room 353 or Madeline O’Malley.

I’m ceasing to make sense now, but you should give this film a chance, it may not have enough action to keep your interest sparked, but one thing I must ask is that you keep an eye out for Ti West. He seems to be a very promising young horror director with good ideas and great style, and hopefully he will keep pumping out films that are worthy of the genre. It seems we should see more of him around Halloween this year—I believe he is contributing to a horror anthology film called V/H/S. Sounds interesting enough.

Anyway, here is the moral of the story: let restless ghosts haunt.
~MR

Top Ten (Horror Film) Kids I'd Adopt

 I'm not a big fan of children.  I've often commented that there should be one state in the USA that doesn't allow children.  Adults only. My husband and I would SO move there. (It'd be my luck if that would actually happen, the designated state would turn out to be Kansas or Oklahoma and we would be swept off the face of the earth within the first week of residency by some massive F5 twister or something.)
Honestly, I've wished many a time that I was telekinetic like Carrie White so I could just glare at a bratty kid who's riding through my grass and make him fall off his bicycle and break his femur. I've even tried. (No, it didn't work, don't worry.)

But I'm not completely heartless.  I have relatives that are tiny humans and I actually like the heck out of them. My best friend has a daughter who's hopelessly adorable.  And I've watched many a child grow up to be regular adults who no longer scream and run around in quiet bookstores.  And above all, my year-old niece is simply put, the cutest kid on the planet.  See what I mean?

 

So there are some kids that I can certainly tolerate and even love!  That said, I've come up with a list of ten kids I would adopt. And because this is a horror blog - you get kids from within the horror genre.
See how that works?

1) Danny Torrance (The Shining):  Poor Danny. Alcoholic, easily influenced, nut-job father. Appallingly unattractive waif of a mother. Danny, despite talking in a strange voice while playing finger puppets without the puppet, does win the prize for best dressed here in our countdown.  Look at the Mickey sweater above!

 And wow.  An Apollo 11 sweater?  All on a teacher's salary?  He looks pretty bad ass here! Gonna whup some butt!
But Danny has a gift I'm not sure I could handle.  Not exactly special needs, but definitely out of my comfort zone.  Soon, Danny starts hanging out with Dad too much and he seems to be following in his footsteps.
Observe:

and soon after.....

 And finally:  he still wears the cool-kids sweaters, but has evolved into a knife-toting, red-rum chanting devil-child.

Poor Danny needs to get out from under his wacky parents' influence.  I could take him under my wing and give him all the damn chocolate ice cream he wants, and Tony?  He can go get bent.

 2) Jamie Lloyd (Halloween series):  Aww, look how gosh-darned cute she is!  (Well, except for those hopelessly awful bangs!). Now this little girl needs some TLC.  When your uncle is a psychopath, it's hard to make friends!

 
 I can still hear them chanting: "Jamie's an orphan! Jamie's an orphan!" 
Let's remedy that, shall we?  I'd consider signing the adoption papers if I didn't think it was going to end up another kid with a butcher knife.

Dammit.  I knew it.

3) Carlos (The Devil's Backbone) - Young Carlos thought he was just going to stay at the 'boys school' for a spell, when really daddy was dropping him off for all of time.  Yikes.
So I think I'd like to snatch him up (that sounded bad - shouldn't say snatch and kids in the same sentence if you don't want to be arrested!) What I meant was, I'd give Carlos a good home.  One where he wouldn't be seeing long-dead ghosts and having to deal with the harsh reality of the Spanish Civil war.

There also wouldn't be any defused bombs in my backyard.
Carlos would be in good hands. And I could pass him off as my love child with Antonio Banderas.

4) Nicholas Stewart (The Others) - Aww, Nicholas - you little scamp, you. 
Another child with 'special needs', lil' Nicky can't be out in the sun.  Hates light, in general.  Not sure how well that would go over at my house - though I certainly am a night person.  But this kid is even paler than I am, and I didn't think that was possible.

 He certainly wouldn't be able to come on vacation with us to the beach, that's for sure!
And though Nicholas would be more than welcome in my home, his bratty sister Anne is forbidden to cross my threshold.

5) Gage (Pet Sematary):  Probably the cutest kid in horror, hands down.  Little Gage suffers from 'dumb-ass-parents-syndrome'.  Anyone who would let their child run, unattended, near a major goddamned highway deserves to join the bad parents club immediately.
Worse yet, his dad digs up his body and steals it from the cemetery only to re-plant it in some ancient Indian burial ground. 
And what do we get from that brilliant idea?

Another kid with a sharp implement.  I'm sensing a pattern here.
But if I had my hands on that kid, THIS is what you'd get:

Now that's a kid after my own heart.  And he reads too? Awesome.

6) Job and Sarah (Children of the Corn): Two for the price of one! If pressed, I'd most certainly choose Sarah, she's just cute as a button, and loves Del Shannon - how can you go wrong?

  Job, on the other hand, is probably forever messed up and in desperate need of psychotherapy after witnessing his dad's murder while out for an ice cream sundae.

 As melancholy as he looks, he's still a pretty smart kid, helping his sister and two adults escape the wrath of "He who walks behind the rows".  I think this duo is fairly salvageable.  More so than anyone else so far...
First order of business for them?  A trip to American Eagle for some new duds.  Or at least Old Navy.
Those old-fashioned threads are so last season.

7) Billy Drayton (The Mist): Let me just say this first and foremost. I hate bugs. So Billy would have no issues with giant, creepy-ass bugs with me around. 

Billy was a bit of a mama's boy though.  Not that humongous spiders and flying grasshoppers wouldn't scare the piss of me and make me a bit of a sissy as well.   No knives or scalpels for Billy.  But to his benefit, he did have Thomas Jane AND Laurie Holden.  Always a plus. 
So if I were to adopt him, could I get Thomas Jane too??

8) Billy Harley (Pumpkinhead): Can I just say how much I love this little guy?  When he makes that necklace for his dad and tells him he doesn't have to wear if all the time, just "when it strikes ya", I just have to grin.
And then those assholes run him over with their dirt bikes! Ahhh!  No!
That pissed me off more than when the semi hit Gage.

 Just. Breaks. My. Heart.

9) Sean Brody (Jaws): Michael is the precocious one. Sean is the one who sings Muffin Man and plays copy-cat with his Dad. Neither of the kids listen very well, but Sean would be my pick to bring home. Far away from the danger of the deep blue sea, he could thrive and still play in the sand.....box.

Admittedly, the creepy face Sean makes here is a little bit...shall we say, kooky?  But when you picture him and his dad, I can't help but to think he looks more than adorable. 
I could straighten this kid out and have him in line before his accent becomes too New Yawk.

10) Carol Anne Freehling (Poltergeist):  It's an obvious fact that no list of this nature would forget dear, sweet Carol Anne.  Trapped in the tv, so to speak. Out there...somewhere.

 Normally, I don't like blondes.  Nor do I like people that are conduits to evil demons and ghosts. But little Carol Anne can't help it, she didn't ask for the spirits of the dead to invade her happy home.
She'd probably feel at home here at my house, as I'm pretty sure there is a ghost living in our attic.  But the minute she utters those famous two words, she's outta here.
No matter how impossibly cute she is.