The Call (2013): Is It A Wrong Number??

I don't know about you, but when I see a film like The Call advertised on television, I just kind of sigh and say to myself "oh, it's another one of those films".  Those by-the-numbers thrillers that are just a notch above (and not always, mind you) a decent episode of Criminal Minds.  But due to the fact that I have enjoyed a few other of director Brad Anderson's films (most notably Session 9, and to a lesser degree The Machinist), I thought I would give it a go.

Surprisingly, the film kept me interested for most of its 94 minute running time.  While it does mimic 2004's Cellular in many ways, it is just different enough not to claim foul.

Jordan (Halle Berry, who is looking as good as ever and never freaking ages!) is a 9-1-1 operator at "the hive", the central operating and dispatching area of the LAPD.

One evening she gets a call from Leah, a young teen in distress who claims a man is breaking into her home.  Using her seasoned experience in the field, Jordan seemingly helps the girl by telling her to open her bedroom window to make it look like she escaped while instead hiding under the bed.

All goes according to plan until the phone accidentally disconnects.  In a moment of anxiety, Jordan redials the number, which backfires on her enormously when the assailant hears Leah's phone ring under the bed. The man quickly finds his victim and subdues her, leaving Jordan to plead for the Leah's life over the phone, begging him not to hurt her.  The man's voice over the phone says simply: "It's already done."  He hangs up, leaving Jordan to wallow in her guilt.  She is further tormented by her mistake when Leah turns up dead, the victim of a horrific murder.

Six months later Jordan has moved from operator to trainer, in all likelihood because she couldn't handle the pressure any more and is still distraught over her error leading to Leah's gruesome demise.

As she instructs a new group of recruits to the hive, a call comes in from a girl who has been kidnapped from a mall and is being held in the trunk of a moving vehicle.  The operator talking her down is young and inexperienced, unable to collect her thoughts enough to help. It is then when Jordan takes over, and the meat of the storyline comes to fruition.

This young girl, Casey (Abigail Breslin), is lucky enough to have a trac phone.  She was hanging with a friend at the mall and the friend had been using the phone because it is untraceable and she was hiding a relationship with a boy from her mother.  The girl hurries off, leaving the phone in Casey's possession.  (Which naturally is one of those "of course" moments in a film that we all dread. How convenient!) Casey's kidnapper disposes of Casey's iPhone in two seconds, not realizing the other phone is in her pocket.

Jordan is now faced with not only calming the teen down, but with attempting to gather information that will aid in her rescue from the perilous situation at hand. As Jordan learns information about the antagonist, we do too. And there is a collective gasp when we all realize it is the same kidnapper that took Leah from her home a half dozen months ago.  Now the hunt is on for a depraved serial killer with his own sick agenda. 
Once Jordan gets over the initial shock that they are dealing with the same perpetrator, her mind set is focused on one thing: not losing another life to this psychotic bastard.

The Call is a tense thriller, there's no denying it.  Each time you think Casey is doomed, Jordan pulls a rabbit out of the hat or Casey uses her own meritable skills to get through. Much of the film's running time has Casey in the trunk using whatever is at her disposal to try to attract attention to the trunk of the car, some of which are fairly decent ideas.  We also get a little background on the killer, as the LAPD inches closer to catching him. With each new clue, they get to know more about the terribly disturbed man and his motives for his actions.

Where the film hits a brick wall is the last fifteen minutes or so.  The cops narrow the search to a farmhouse once owned by the killer's family, but are flustered to find the home empty and they leave.  Not to be deterred, Jordan takes it upon herself to salvage the info acquired and make her way to the same property.

In my books, this is a massive fail.  I know it is "just a movie" and we are supposed to suspend our disbelief, but really?  What 9-1-1 operator do you know that would risk life and limb for a voice on the phone, in particular after the cops' lead fell through?  Yeah, well....it's only a movie.

I don't want to give anything else away, so suffice it to say the end of the film certainly reminds one of a little film starring Anthony Hopkins as a serial killer... you know the one? 

It's said that this film was originally entitled The Hive, and that it was thought to be a possible television series.  I can absolutely see that concept, I really can.  And I don't even think it's too bad of an idea.
  But would it just fall into the same category as every other dark police procedural?  What would help it stand above?  I can't answer that either, hence that is probably where thoughts of a series abruptly ended.

But in the end, The Call was pretty effective, with convincing acting all around and enough blood shed to keep your average horror fan entertained.  If you can get past some of the truly implausible script blunders, you're in for a moderately exciting hour and a half. 
And you get Halle Berry, right?

It's In The Blood (2012): More From The Great Lance Henriksen

~Review by Marie Robinson

The woods. Pretty much always scary. Even in the daylight there is an overwhelming ancient mystery that you know you will never know the extent of and you will never quite understand. At the same time, the woods are where we usually go to find ourselves. Perhaps the contrast of the giant, looming unknown makes it easier for us to shrink our tragedies, our disasters, our festering questions down and work them out like knots in twine.

This is the setting for Scooter Downey’s 2012 film, It’s in the Blood. What exactly is in the blood you will have to decide for yourself.

Co-writer Sean Elliot also stars as October, a sad and sardonic young man who has come to visit the father he has been avoiding for years. Playing October’s father, Russell, is horror legend Lance Henriksen; Russell is a kind, sincere blue-collar man just happy to spend the time with his estranged son. Both of them share a tragic past, the details of which materialize to us through mottled flashbacks.

 October decides to humor his father in letting him teach all the classic country-boy quirks he missed out on, such as shooting a gun and driving a stick. The two go for what is expected to be a short hunting trip in the surrounding woods; however, when tension is raised by discussion of the unsettled events of the past, October wants to call it quits. He is forced to stay by his father’s side when Russell is startled by something he sees in the woods and falls off the side of a cliff.

A broken leg isn’t the only thing keeping them in the forest—there’s an entity, a beast circling them. Fighting for survival brings the father and son together, but isolated in the woods, being hunted and forced to recall the worst moments of their life and say the things that have since been unsaid is tearing their hearts apart. To make it out alive they must literally beat down their demons and rise above unspeakable evil.

 Although there are many strong elements to this film, the most powerful aspect is the story. It is heartbreaking, terrifying, and sickeningly relatable. Every family has a tragedy in their blood, even if it can’t compare to the one this father and son share. The relationship between a parent and a child is fickle and tricky, nearly impossible to get right, and this film examines that. It explores individual relationships within families, be they blood related or not.

Paired with the beautiful and haunting imagery and the impeccable acting, this is a film that shook me up and stayed with me through the night. It is the horror in our own lives, the irreversible events that define us; it is real evil manifesting as the supernatural. But nothing would be definable without contrasts, and as sure as there is evil and hatred, there is goodness and love.

It’s in the Blood is available for download on iTunes, Amazon and VUDU.

Friday Night Fulci: The Beyond (1981) : Fulci's Hottest And Best Mess

 Nowadays, with social media a regular part of life, I'm always posting on Facebook and/or Twitter about how I'm having a Friday Night Fulci fest at my house, so I figured it was high time to review some of those films, as I'm a big fan of the Italian director so famous for gruesome video nasties.

(This particular review originally posted at Dr. Terror's Blog of Horrors back in July of 2012 for his popular Italian Horror Week, but for completeness I am including it here.)

I first remember seeing The Beyond (L'aldilà, 1981),as a teenager. I’d already seen City of the Living Dead (a.k.a. The Gates of Hell) and The House by the Cemetery (because let’s face it, the titles were cool as shit and the VHS covers were their best advertisement!) and the first time I watched The Beyond, it was actually entitled Seven Doors of Death (probably the real reason I picked it up). A few years later I managed to see the uncut version with the original title.

 It’s hard to describe the feeling you get the first time you see The Beyond. Obviously it’s as fucked up as the day is long, with no rhyme or reason for much of its running time. But the deaths are sublime - man-eating spiders, crucifixion, acid baths, impalements, facial melting with quicklime, etc. Fulci never backed away from gore and in fact relished its use. The Beyond is kind of a hot mess, but is near and dear to not only this horror fan but countless others.

The film starts in 1927, with a blast from the past in which we observe a lynch mob tracking down a New Orleans artist (Antoine Saint-John) thought to be a warlock. They find him at the Seven Doors Hotel, and as a young girl reads from an occult text in the background, the mob busts into his house, quickly subdues him, and drags him to the basement to kill him in as horrific a manner as possible. All the while our doomed artist Schweick denounces witchcraft and tries to plead with the men, warning them that the basement is one of the seven gateways to hell. (Yeah, if it were me that would have given me reason to pause, but not our big tough men.) They first beat him bloody senseless with chains, then nail him to the cellar wall with spike nails and throw quicklime acid on his face. Naturally his face melts away (in a gruesome style not unlike Raiders of the Lost Ark) and they seal him into a hole in the basement, all but forgotten.

Years later a young woman named Liza (Catriona MacColl, a staple in several of Fulci’s films) comes to the house by way of an inheritance. She hires several handymen to fix the place up with intent to put it to its original use again as a hotel.
Plumber Joe (Giovanni De Nava) heads to the basement to find the leak that is keeping the cellar full of water and stumbles upon said gateway. He is viciously attacked by the spirit of Schweick and dispatched of in a gruesome manner, with a ghoul’s hand scooping out his eyeball (another of Fulci’s famous constants). Soon after, the maid searching for Joe gets impaled on a nail and out pops her eye as well. (Sensing a trend here.) My favorite death in the film is a man who is eaten to death by giant tarantulas. It's totally fake-looking but you can't help but love it. Another eye gets taken out in that scene. Obviously Fulci has some sort of gore fetish about eyes.

Meanwhile, Liza meets a young doctor named John (David Warbeck) who is called when a workman mysteriously falls off her roof.
They in turn, are warned about the gateway to hell by Emily, a blind psychic (recognizable as the young girl reading from the occult book in the beginning of the film) whose seeing-eye dog eventually turns on her by ripping out her throat.

Liza and John become determined to find out what is going on at the hotel and after finding said occult book in a local bookshop, work together amidst zombies and irrational supernatural events to try to close the portal to hell.

Gore is the main event in this and most of Fulci’s zombie adventures. The Beyond is the second film in the “Gates of Hell trilogy” (tucked neatly between City of the Living Dead and House by the Cemetery) and is thought to be Fulci’s best film by many in the genre.

 It must be mentioned that the great Fabio Frizzi provides one of the most chilling scores of his well-received career, and the fantastic, atmosphere-inducing piano solos easily rival Argento favorite Goblin’s scores as some of the best in Italian films.

Despite having poor narratives and even worse linear form, it still shines as a stellar example of the gruesome zombie films of the early eighties and gives a gore-happy fan exactly what they want.

While the ending is more confusing than satisfying, it is open to interpretation and will have genre fans discussing it for years to come.

Dark Skies (2013) : The Truth Isn't Out THERE, It's Already HERE...

Invariably, when someone asks me what kind of movie scares me the most, I almost always say ghost stories. But I'm wondering if that is still really accurate. Because it seems like I get pretty damn freaked out by movies about aliens. And in case you were wondering, Dark Skies is that kind of film.

When Signs (2002) came out nearly a dozen years ago, it really wasn't scary at all.  UNTIL that alien walked by on the video of that kid's birthday party. You know the scene I mean! That scared the piss out of me for a split second. But then I just had to rewind it and watch it again. Did I just see what I thought I saw? Uh, yeah I did.

 I was also a colossal X-Files fanatic, and though I enjoyed the stand alone horror-centric episodes best, it's not to say I wasn't thoroughly unnerved by the little green men stories.

But here in Dark Skies, we are dealing with grey men, and they aren't so little! Quite tall in fact, and more ominous as you would expect. Writer/director Scott Stewart (Legion, 2010, and the equally appalling Priest, 2011) takes a time-worn theory and loads of clichéd tidbits from the vast sea of past sci-fi films and television shows to reel us in yet again with a story about a subtle alien invasion.
But to quote the great J. K. Simmons (who plays a knowledgeable conspiracy theorist and expert on all things alien): "They're already here". He explains that "they" have been here for quite some time, and that experimentation and abduction have been occurring for years.  Which I think is at the heart of everyone's base fear of an invasion.

In the film, Keri Russell and Josh Hamilton play Lacey and Daniel Barrett, your average American family with two sons and an overdue mortgage.  Daniel has fallen on hard times in the job market and they are struggling to make ends meet with Lacey's paltry salary as a real estate agent with a soft heart (in other words, she has a tough time lying to potential buyers about the quality of the homes for sale and therefore is not very good at her job).

The eldest son, Jesse (Dakota Goyo), has been hanging out with an older boy who is a bad influence, getting Jesse into drugs and porn; and younger son Sammy (Kadan Rockett) has been having conversations with "The Sandman" during the night and acting pretty bizarre. 

Besides Sammy's nocturnal oddities, the family starts experiencing strange occurrences.  The home's alarm system keeps going off for no reason. One night Lacey wakes up and discovers the refrigerator open with all the food all over the floor. Another night all the food in the cupboards is stacked on top of each other so that the reflection on the ceiling makes a weird, crop-circle type pattern. Yet another night they find all the photos out of the picture frames throughout the house.

At first blaming the happenings on the kids, the Barretts then start losing periods of time, waking up at home in bed when they were not even at home at last memory.  Each family member seems to go into a hypnotic state at one time or another, staring off at nothing with their mouths hanging open in apparent fear.  Perhaps even stranger, an entire flock of starlings (blackbirds) fly into their house in a mass suicide. When they have the strange anomaly looked into, the fish and wildlife service tells them something must be drawing the birds to their home, as there were three different flocks coming from three different areas.

In a pivotal moment in the film, Lacey hears Sammy talking in his sleep and goes into his room only to discover a tall, unearthly figure standing over Sammy's bed in the shadows. When she turns on the light, Sammy isn't there. In fact, he's standing outside in the yard.

At this point, Daniel takes a clue from Paranormal Activity and sets up cameras all over the house, becoming obsessed with watching the screens.

Child protective services is called in after Sammy is found to have bruises all over him, and Daniel finally takes the hint that they may be dealing with something other than a human when the video screens show the same preternatural-looking creatures standing over everyone's beds. They take their claims to an expert in the field (Simmons), who tells them to prepare for a battle to save the family member the aliens are intent on taking. For this reason the Barretts do not allow little Sammy out of their sight.

While Dark Skies seems very ordinary and really didn't see much action at the box office, I found it to be a fairly decent film. It moves at a decent pace, kept my attention, and really freaked me out more than once.I actually jumped out of my skin the first time the aliens are shown. 

The cast worked well for me, with Josh Hamilton the only member that I was less than happy with - his acting felt a little wooden for me - but the others make up for it.
You can see the struggle of the family dealing with the possible foreclosure of their house and the thought of not being able to provide for his family wears on David - you can see the visible evidence in his eyes. The couple fights like normal couples do, yet pulls together when things really get out of hand - and I'm not talking car payments and piano lessons here.  I'm pretty sure aliens put a damper on any kind of future plans.

The film, while certainly not a new concept, is well directed and works equally as well as a family drama as it does a thriller. The aliens are shown mostly in shadows, and believe me, they work.  The movie amps up the action after the family finally accepts the dark truth, and even when you think you can see where the director is going, you don't.  I wouldn't call it a surprise ending, but I would say I love it when a film keeps me guessing and doesn't end the way Hollywood thinks it should.  The finale also centers around the July 4th holiday, so it's perfect viewing right around this time of the year.

So I would have to recommend Dark Skies if you're even remotely a sci-fan fan, and especially if you are open-minded...or have video cameras set up anywhere in your house.

The Monitor (2011): Between Love And Madness...

The Monitor is a 2011 Norwegian film that teeters between thriller and ghost story.  It was released under the title 'Babycall' in the UK, so the film's producers can thank their lucky stars the title was changed before US release, as I doubt it would have the same interest shown with that deplorable title (though apparently baby monitors are called babycalls overseas). Still...

I've noticed Scandinavian films seem to differ from their American counterparts in that they aren't quite ready to show you everything, at least not right away. They generally have a slower pace and a steady build to an ending that isn't always in your face obvious, and often allow you to draw your own conclusions. I love a slow burn film, and though The Monitor does have some minor issues here and there with staying on point, it is a worthwhile feature, albeit a bit lethargic.

Anna (Noomi Rapace, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Prometheus) is a troubled, nervous woman who moves into a new apartment building with her young son (I'd guess he's 8), Anders (Velte Qvenild Werring).  She has fled from an abusive husband and is under protective services - her ex supposedly has no idea where she has moved to.  It's obvious from the start that Anna is overly protective of Anders, perhaps from the violent past they have escaped from, perhaps in part because Anna struggles with nervous instability.  She doesn't allow him to sleep in his own room or bed, and wants him close by her at every moment.  Child services forces her to realize it is unhealthy for young Anders to be so dependent and warns her that he needs to sleep alone in his own bed, and that he must attend public school - an idea that Anna vehemently opposes.

Regardless, she sends him to school and waits outside until the headmaster realizes what she is doing and forces her to leave.  She goes to a local electronics store, looking for a baby monitor so she can hear Anders in his room at night. (Yes, she is that paranoid). She gets assistance from Helge (Kristoffer Joner), who himself is quite awkward and overwrought, yet the two strike up a hesitant friendship.

The first night after Anna sets up the baby monitor, she wakes up terrified, hearing someone screaming bloody murder from the monitor. She rushes to Anders room and finds him fast asleep.

 Unnerved, she brings this to Helge's attention, who explains that sometimes you can inadvertently pick up other close frequencies on the monitor, and advises her to change the channel.  Anna realizes that someone in her apartment building was no doubt doing the screaming. When it happens a second time, she discusses it over lunch with Helge, who then divulges his understanding of her situation with Anders. He was coddled and over-protected as a child by his mother as well.

A secondary plot arises here as we learn Helge's mother is in the hospital and on life support.  He is to make the decision when to take her off, but as the film wanders on he is shown to have great difficulty with this.  We are left to guess that his mother quite possibly was abusive with him, as he struggles with an inner conflict regarding ending her life.

His understanding and sympathy of Anna's situation stems directly from his delicate relationship with his own mother, and makes Helge a fragile yet compassionate man and a suitable companion for Anna. 

Meanwhile, Anders makes a  friend at school and is insistent that he comes home with them. The young lad doesn't say much, and Anna finds it even more unnerving when later, during a walk by a local lake she sees a man drowning a young boy - Anders' friend.
She waits till the murderer leaves then she herself jumps in the water in an attempt to save the boy.  She wakes up in a hospital with no recollection of how she got there.
When she later takes Anders to the same lake, she is shocked to see that the lake is not there.  It's a parking lot.

The Monitor makes good use of the confusion you will most assuredly have throughout parts of the film. It is a fine example of a woman's fragility and fear, wrapped up in the anxiety that she may not be altogether stable. Is she hallucinating? Is she losing her mind? Is she seeing (and hearing) ghosts? It's relatively hard to tell until the shattering ending.

 If you like psychological thrillers, you will no doubt like this movie - though it does move at a quiet, snail's pace at times.  The sparse cast is all you need, and they deliver fine performances.  There is no real blood and guts here, thankfully, as it would prove utterly pointless. This is a character piece, and I'm happy to have taken the chance on it.

Book Review: The Asylum: More Gothic Victorian Greatness From John Harwood

~Review by Marie Robinson

John Harwood is one of those rare authors who hasn’t written a book I didn’t like. Well, except for two nonfiction books he wrote early in his career that I haven’t read… but in recent years Harwood has established himself as a horror novelist. Christine and I both loved his previous novel, The Séance, and we even gave it a brief yet positive review on the site.

Just this past May Harwood released his newest Gothic tale, The Asylum. Twenty-year-old Georgina Ferrars wakes up one day to find herself in a mental hospital in an English town she has never been to. What is even stranger is that she has checked herself under a false name and can remember nothing of the last several weeks. When she tries to gain correspondence with her uncle, her only remaining family member, she receives only a brief telegram back saying that Georgina Ferrars is presently there, and that she must be an imposter. Trapped within the confines of a madhouse where she is held by people who think her to be insane, Georgina must piece together the mystery of her life, those forgotten weeks, and the girl who claims to be her.

This three-part book goes between tradition narrative, journal entries, and letters, making it an interesting and stimulating read. Much like Harwood’s other novels, it is a genuine page-turner dripping with atmosphere unique to late Victorian London. Georgina is an interesting protagonist because although she seems to be an unreliable character (she is not even in a place to trust herself) you really want to believe her, and you inevitably finding yourself rooting for her, and yearning for the ever-building clues to unravel the mystery.

John Harwood has adopted this old-fashioned Gothic writing style in all three of his novels; you may think this means that the text is dry, brittle and cryptic (even though I, myself, love a traditional Gothic piece) but that certainly is not the case. Although an homage to an older style of writing, the words are fresh and alive, almost nostalgic in their cadence. I’m sure this is what Harwood is going for, and I’d be curious who he would cite as his influences; if I were to guess simply by the flavors I picked up in this book I’d say Poe, Wilde, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and definitely some Algernon Blackwood.

Bethlem Royal Hospital

While the asylum that Georgina is held at in the novel is considered to be highly humane and advanced for its time, there is many a reference to the notorious real-life London asylum, Bethlem. In the Victorian era it was more like a prison than a hospital; patients existed in deplorable conditions. They were much of the time unsupervised and “dangerous” patients were chained to the floor. Believe it or not, for the price of one pence the public was allowed access to walk around and few the patients like animals in a zoo—they could even prod at them through the bars with a stick! Since then it has become one of the leading examples of excellence in mental health, but it will forever be infamous for its grotesque beginnings.

Even though his sophmore title The Séance is still my favorite of his, I really enjoyed this book, and I sincerely hope Harwood keeps up his creepy tales!

Friday Flashback: The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) : Drilling Its Way Back Into Your Heart...

Back in the early eighties, there were loads of formulaic slasher films. And I'm guilty of seeing pretty much every one of them. I fondly recall the first time I saw Slumber Party Massacre, with it's pulsating electronic score and deranged nut-job wielding a power drill. It wasn't exactly brave new cinema, but it was a fast-paced, tight little film with a short running time so as not to bore you to tears while you wait for the red stuff to start flowing.

After an opening scene in which the paper boy delivers a fresh newspaper divulging the fact that escaped killer Russ Thorn is on the loose, we focus on eighteen year old Trish Devereaux (Michelle Michaels), who has invited her basketball team friends over for a slumber party since her parents are leaving town for the weekend. Her parents have charged their neighbor, Mr. Contant, to keep an eye on the house (and the girls, of course!) while they are away, to which he readily agrees to do.

At school in the locker room (after steamy showers and lots of gratuitous T & A shots), Trish's bitchy friend Diane (Gina Hunter) cuts up the new girl on the team, Valerie (Robin Stille) and the other girls add in their hateful two cents as well.  Trish wants to ask Valerie to the slumber party, but Valerie overheard the nasty comments and rushes out of the school.

Here's where I find myself having to mention what incredible bitches teenage girls are. Back in the day, it wasn't outright called bullying, and there was much less focus on it back then - but let's be frank when we say it most certainly was bullying, and this is a prime example. Just because someone is different (in this case Valerie was better than them at sports and is noticeably prettier) isn't a reason to be a cunt.  Regardless, it happens all the time, and this film is true-to-life in that respect.

While all the planning for the party is underway, our lunatic occupies himself with some practice kills by laying waste to several poor unfortunate folks before heading over to the Devereaux household.  Thorn, with wild, spastic eyes and dressed to kill in head to toe denim, gears up his weapon of choice - a power drill - and powers his way through bone and tissue - which of course means lots of blood and guts for us gore-hounds.

Finally making his way to the girl's party, Thorn proceeds to drill his way through the cast (which at this point include some peeping tom boys from school and the unlucky Mr. Contant) until there are only a few girls left - one of which is Valerie, the scorned girl from the gym who happened to live across the street from Trish.

No new ground is broken throughout Slumber Party Massacre, but humor abounds and the old-school feel of the film really reeks nostalgia. It's a fun 77 minutes, with no time lost on developing secondary story lines or explaining why Thorn has chosen the girls. It's just pure, early-eighties, slasher-film fun!

There are an ungodly amount of cliches in SPM. Catty teens who bad-mouth the new girl, parties (in this case, slumber) with no parental supervision, the creepy neighbor next door, the lone girl stranded in an empty school hallway or dark garage, underage drinking and drugs, the escaped lunatic with a penchant for young lovelies, etc...etc.  But to my surprise (and perhaps yours), it bears the stamp of two women: Director Amy Holden Jones and writer Rita Mae Brown.

Jones, an ardent feminist, worked with both Scorsese and Roger Corman in her career, and Brown (an even more staunch feminist) has found great success as an author, in particular with a series of "cozy" mysteries starring a cat: 'Sneaky Pie Brown'. 

It is said that when Brown wrote SPM, it was intended to be a parody of the slasher film, but the producers ended up playing it straight. But it still has some genuinely funny parts (such as when the girls eat pizza out of the box on the dead delivery boy's chest) and it helps the film be a little more original and likable than you'd imagine it could be. The two women even inject a dose of their own feminism into the film when the girls actually chase after the killer. We love tough girls!

If you've never taken a chance on it, I'd say you could do far worse, so give it a chance for some good old-fashioned 80's fun.

Kiss Of The Damned (2013): A Hammer Homage That Almost Works

~Review by Marie Robinson

Christine and I love vampires, and are prone to watch/read/whatever anything that has to do with them. For some this is a tired trope but we just aren’t bored. Naturally, I was intrigued when I heard about 2012 film Kiss of the Damned, interestingly enough directed by Xan Cassavetes, daughter of John Cassavetes (Rosemary’s Baby).

I’m one of those assholes who literally judges a book by its cover, or in this case, judges a film by its poster; I was admittedly even further inclined to watch this movie after I saw the gorgeous poster for it. The artwork was done by Akiko Stehrenberger, who was won several awards for her movie posters, two for this poster alone. Her shit is awesome; seriously, check her out (http://akikomatic.com/).

The story is very Gothic inspired and focuses on Djuna (Josephine de La Baume), a beautiful young woman living alone in an equally gorgeous mansion in the middle of who knows where (they really don’t tell you the setting). She meets handsome screenwriter Paolo (Milo Ventimiglia), who instantly forces himself upon her.

Luckily Djuna isn’t as annoyed and creeped out as I was and they instantly hit it off. Although they are madly in “love” with each other, Djuna insists they cannot be together because she is a vampire. Paolo thinks the same thing that you or I would think if a love interest said this to us—that she’s crazy; but she proves it to him by chaining herself to a bed and writhing about in a bloodthirsty lust. Even though she begs him not to, Paolo frees her and they make passionate, scary love, at the end of which, Djuna turns him into vampire. Paolo is somehow totally okay with all of this, and moves into the mansion with Djuna and they vow to be undead and in love forever. I’m sorry there is such a blatant attitude to this synopsis, but this is honestly how the story seemed to be moving along to me. Anyway, let’s continue…

Their perfect little romance is disturbed by the unexpected arrival of Djuna’s sister, Mimi (Roxane Mesquida), who is also a vampire. They belong to this high-class, wealthy underground society of vampires who believe that feeding off of humans is—well, inhumane, so they stick to drinking the blood of animals. Mimi, however, rejects this notion and slays and feasts on humans all the time behind her elder’s backs. She floods the house with her reckless and unforgiving attitude, encouraging and instigating those around her to tug at the fibers of their morality.

I keep going back to the idea that I didn’t like this movie but I think I am just letting myself to too caught up with the characters to properly evaluate it. For example, Paolo and Djuna’s romance is very reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet in the sense that they are idiots who think they are madly in love with each other but are really just infatuated. Their relationship is so annoying that I was frustrated enough at times to turn the film off. All the problems the characters have are brought on by themselves; they are what I shall call “rich people problems”. I guess in the end, what I am saying is that there are no sympathetic characters. However, this could be the intention of the filmmakers, which I earnestly hope is the case, because if I had to come to the terms with the fact that that was actually someone’s idea of romance, I’d puke.

Kiss of the Damned doesn’t bring anything new to the vampire trope, and I really didn’t find it all that compelling. The actresses’ French accents made them sound a bit monotone to me and the story was moderately predictable and didn’t inspire too much emotion out of me, just a lot of commenting like, “You’re so fucking dumb,” and “I hate you”.

Perhaps I am being too harsh, so on a lighter note there are two things I am certain I loved about the film: the cinematography and the costume design. Every shot was beautiful, blending colors, contrasting shadows and light, and incorporating brilliant angles. Djuna oozed elegance, not only because the actress herself if quite beautiful, but she was always dressed in the most beautiful gowns and had this gorgeous makeup that complimented her pale skin and lovely autumnal hair.

You can decide for yourself about this film, and let me know what you think, as well! When I need my fix of vampire soap opera, I’ll just stick to True Blood, which I am so glad is back, by the way.

The States will begin showing another bloodsucker flick on the 28th, Byzantium, which I think looks very promising. For more information on that film, I highly recommend you read our dear friend James Gracey’s review on it here: (http://watchinghorrorfilmsfrombehindthecouch.blogspot.com/2013/06/byzantium.html).

Texas Chainsaw (2013): The Saw Might Be Family, But The Family Is As Unhinged As Ever....

Quite honestly, I didn't have very high hopes for this film, as I generally don't when it comes to films that really serve no purpose other than to make a quick buck off a popular series of films and/or an equally well-known and beloved horror character.

And truth be told, Texas Chainsaw 3D is just that. A poorly-conceived sequel-slash-remake that should have never made its way to my DVD player. But it did.

And here's the thing. Maybe I was feeling especially genial when I sat down to watch this movie, but it didn't suck. I almost wanted it to, as I seriously couldn't imagine any reason to sit down for a seventh time with 'ol Leatherface.
But I read a very candid review over at Freddy in Space and was forced to admit I wanted to check it out.

Here's the deal. I hate 3D. So there would have been little to no chance of me checking this out in the theater. I feel like 3D is probably the worst gimmick quite possibly ever and see no reason to have the chainsaw come out of the screen at me. What am I, ten years old?  That might have been cute back in 1982 when my best friend and I went to see the third installment of Friday the 13th....but nowadays it is just plain stupid.  So that was out.  I wait for DVD on all these gimmicky flicks, period. That way I don't have to be subjected to vomit-inducing special effects.

I've always been a fan of the original 1974 film. I won't say "who isn't", because I'm sure there are plenty of people who thought it wrought with overly dramatic screaming and waaaay to much grunting. But it has such a shameless, gritty charm to it that it's easily one of my favorite older horror films and I take it off my DVD shelf on a fairly regular basis, turn down the lights, and let that saw rip! 

That said, the sequels that followed were pretty much pure dreck to me.  I know those are no doubt blasphemous words to all you franchise fans, but I'm just putting my honesty out there, folks.  When things start getting humorous (like all those ridiculous Freddy sequels), I'm out. I'm done.  So for me, part 2 and 3 were simply throwaways. And don't even get me started on part 4. The fact that Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey have roles only goes to show me that everyone has to start somewhere, and quite often it's in a bad horror movie.

When Michael Bay (cough cough) resurrected the series in 2003 to make a few bucks, I'll admit I couldn't look away. But I did not grace the seats of any theater to witness the films made in '03 and '06.  I waited for DVD and at least was satisfied that they brought back the actual horror of the original and cut out all the silly stuff. I mean, as funny as a grown man wearing a mask with makeup should be, it's actually on more on a disturbing level than funny-haha. 

All this aside, when I heard they were doing a new film in 3D I rolled my eyes and got out the Excedrin.
Really?  Someone felt the need to dig that grave up and subject us to body parts flying into the camera?
Heavy sigh. 

So I've come full circle to how I came to watch this latest installment. And I said all the previous comments simply so you could understand - in no uncertain terms - that I really wasn't excited about this new film.
But again, after reading the FiS review, I became slightly more intrigued.

Texas Chainsaw is nothing special. Believe me, it won't be remembered for years to come. But I have to say - I may have even liked it.  It tries to be a sequel that takes place right after the 1974 original. At least the opening credits do. We get to see scenes from the groundbreaking first movie, and then we move on as we are shown what happened after Sally escapes Leatherface in that truck at the end of the film.

Apparently the townsfolk came to the Sawyer place and demanded Jed (Leatherface) be brought out to pay for his crimes against humanity.  When the clan won't bring him out, gunfire ensues and consequently, the entire Sawyer home is burned to the ground with everyone in it.
One of the townsfolk discovers a female Sawyer hiding in the barn with a newborn and he promptly steals the baby and kills her mother. How convenient for the storyline!

Soon we are expected to suspend disbelief and move into the future. The timing is so incredibly off it isn't even funny. I won't go into detail about how the young baby should probably be in her 40's and instead is in her early 20's. I guess I'll forgive the lapse in continuity and move on. The kidnapped baby has grown into a strikingly beautiful young woman named Heather (Alexandra Daddario).

One day, just as her and her equally as beautiful friends are about to head out on a road trip, she finds out she is the sole heir of a home in Newt, Texas.  Her grandmother (that she has never met - and is portrayed by the original Sally, Marilyn Burns - score!) has died and left everything to her. So the quartet decides to make a detour through Texas on their way to NOLA and "check it out".

All pretty convenient so far. But I kind of stepped back an "pretended" I hadn't seen any of the sequels or remakes, and treated it almost like a stand-alone film. This can work, if you try hard enough...

On the way, they stop and pick up a hitchhiker. More fodder for Leatherface's saw action. But anyway...

I was kind of enthusiastic about all the little homages to the original.  Heather's friend Nikki has on a lovely pair of very short red shorts that mimicked Pam's in the '74 version. They drive a van to Texas. They pick up a hitchhiker. Etc.

When they get to the town, the Sawyer lawyer (say that five times fast) meets them outside the gates of the property Heather now owns. Funny thing is, he won't go in.  He just hands off the keys and off he goes.  If I had a quarter for every caretaker/relative/policeman/priest/lawyer/real estate agent that "won't step foot on said property" I'd be able to purchase my local cineplex. Anyhoo, the gang heads in and discovers it is a mansion. With all the wealthy accoutrements to go with it. They spend the afternoon checking the place out until they are stupid enough to allow their new hitchhiker friend to stay at the house while they go get some groceries in town (totally one of those "seriously?!" moments!)

Hitcher Darryl immediately starts looting the place when they leave, until his nosy investigating brings him face to face with Leatherface, who apparently has his digs in the basement wine cellar of the manse. Whoops!
When Heather & Co. return to find the place ransacked, they frown but quickly find other ways to spend their time (cooking, searching the house, having greedy sex). That is, until Leatherface makes himself known.
 

I don't really want to give everything away, as this film surprises by having a little twist in the last act. But suffice it to say, it kept my attention and I was pretty much enjoying myself the entire 92 minute running time.
There are some good kills (as you would expect with a goddamned chainsaw, right?) and many of them mimic the kills in the original film.
They have some nice cameos in here too. As I stated, Marilyn Burns has a short spot as Heather's grandma, and John Dugan reprises his role as Grandpa, can you believe it? Gunnar Hansen ('74's Leatherface) even shows up in the beginning as one of the Sawyer clan at the doomed house. You have to love it. I also must give a shout out to Bill Moseley, who is here as Drayton Sawyer in place of the deceased Jim Siedow. Moseley is welcome in anything at all, as far as I am concerned!

The ending has some serious cheese in it, and I'm not talking Gouda here. I laughed out loud in one spot and shook my head in another, but all in all it wasn't awful enough to change my opinion about the film as a whole. I will say I'm really glad I didn't waste my time seeing it at the theater, but that's only because of my severe aversion to the 3D spectacle.  I'm sure some will think me mad for enjoying this installment of the Texas gore train, but you could do a lot worse on a random Thursday night.