Gushes of (True) Blood: A Love Letter to Lafayette Reynolds

With the impending season finale of True Blood on Sunday, I decided I had to get another love letter in before things wrap up for another year.

And so there is no one else I'd rather pledge my eternal devotion to than Lafayette Reynolds, the sassy and flamboyant short order cook/drug dealer/medium/style guru of Bon Temps.

In True Blood's source material (The Sookie Stackhouse/Southern Vampire series by Charlaine Harris), poor Lafayette doesn't even make it to book two.  Thank heavens for Alan Ball, who obviously saw something to be saved in Nelsan Ellis's portrayal of the over-the-top homoerotic jack-of-many-trades. Truly one of the best-written characters on television these days.

Dear Lafayette - or can I call you La La?

Wow, have you had a rough four seasons or what? When you first happened upon the scene in Merlotte's I was pleasantly surprised at how damn entertaining you were and on top of that - what a snappy dresser!  Your brazen sexuality displayed at every turn, you were at times the only bit of fun we were allowed in all the crazy vampire drama and shape-shifting madness.  I'll admit I laughed more than once at your choices in men (senators and pathetic 'middle-aged' vampires?!) as well as your pornographic pursuits and colorful language.
Matter of fact your retribution at that trio of trailer trash who dissed you at Merlotte's made my entire night.  Who can forget "In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, tomato, mayo and AIDS!" Whoo-ee, that was fun!

You kind of got put through the ringer though, didn't you?  I thought for sure when you were kidnapped at the end of Season One it was going to be curtains.  Selling that V didn't do you any favors.  First all that crap with Eddie, then chained up in Eric Northman's basement - yeah, time to stop the madness. But you managed to get out of that jam - although just barely!  And your ensuing case of PTSD was nearly the end of you. 

But even with all these things you kept your fantastic sense of humor and your unbeatable vocabulary.  Not everyone can pull off the line:"This shit is goin faster than fritters at a fat farm" and get away with it.  And your sense of style - Oh honey! 
And I guess that we shouldn't forget that you and Eric kind of came to terms and are somewhat congenial at this point - he bought you a new car, gave you some blood that made you as hyper as a badger, and set you back up at selling V.  A weird relationship but hey, no stranger than anything else you've done.

I have to say though, I know you try to watch out for your spiteful, high maintenance, bad-tempered cousin Tara, but seriously she just seems to bring you down.  She's always getting herself into trouble that you have to bail her out of.  She's a constant pain in the ass and is forever bitching about something.  She needs to get the hell out of Bon Temps, for good this time. 
Taking her to see your lovely but mentally unstable mother was a fine idea, but Tara apparently needs to be bashed over the head for anything to sink the hell in.  Hopeless cause, seriously!

Then you go and get yourself all messed up with that maenad from hell, Maryann.  Hard to imagine that you were so easily manipulated by her, enough to kidnap Sookie to bring her to Maryann's little par-tay in the back yard.  Seems trouble seems to follow you everywhere you go.  Knowing what we know now, I can't help to think what you might have been able to do to Maryann if your medium powers would have surfaced a little earlier. 

Reuniting with your mother left a lasting impression on you though, right?  And I don't mean by your mother - I mean by your own personal 'sex-on-a-stick', Jesus.  Hitting it off immediately (and why the hell not, Jesus is a fine piece of ass indeed), the two of you set out to discover the darker sides of yourselves by doing some V together and tripping out quite rightly.  And I know you were pretty freaked out by Jesus's admission that he is a brujo (witch), but it is also how you found out (from Jesus's wacky Mexican family) that you are a medium.  Obviously that would have come in handy a few years ago when you were locked in that dank basement at Fangtasia.  Or even when rowdy customers at Merlotte's get a little out of hand.

So we fast forwarded a year and you & Jesus are still together and cohabitating, which I am totally in favor of.  You two are the cutest couple on the entire show. 
But then you go and let that deranged wiccan Marnie get all up in your business and things have went south ever since.  I'll admit seeing Jesus work his magic has been intriguing, but then there's the whole medium thing.  First you allow one of Jesus's dead uncles to possess you (admittedly to save Jesus from a mortal snake bite), then you move on to a wronged slave named Mavis - luckily you helped her and her baby find their way to the afterlife, and made me laugh hysterically in the interim. 

But you didn't stop there.  Unfortunately, here we are at the end of Season Four and again the cliffhangers we are presented with involve you being in danger and endangering others.  Seems to be a trend with you.  But it's really making for interesting stuff!

All in all, I truly hope things work out in the end Lafayette... I'd simply hate to have anything happen to you.  You're the best part of my Sunday night and I couldn't stand it if I didn't see your lovely mug and hear you utter words like 'hooka' and 'day-um' again! 

Your loyalty to your friends is unsurpassed even though everyone generally behaves so reprehensibly on this show that they are far from deserving of your trust and devotion. You're forever trying to make the best of the shitty situations you almost always end up in, so hopefully you'll come out smelling like a rose again. 

So thanks, Lafayette, for giving me so much happiness over the last four years, and if my hunch is correct, you'll live to see another day.  And yet another season. 
Here's to the resident slice of chocolate delight on True Blood - you will always have my full attention and undying affection.

Love, Christine

Gushes of (True) Blood: A Love Letter To Sam Merlotte

I seem to have a knack of having several open-ended series/features on my blog, which might make me seem like a bit of a scatterbrain.  In reality, I'm not.  I'm actually kind of OCD.  But my brain is always thinking and sometimes things come to me and I just want to write about it. 

I'm enjoying Season 4 of True Blood quite a bit.  The characters are so fleshed-out this year, everyone seems to be hitting their stride - they own these roles.  Hence, my first of a series of "love" letters to my favorite characters. 

Most people might not give Sam Merlotte a second glance - he's always being overlooked by people obsessed with vampires or the new werewolf in town (which to be honest, isn't a bad thing).  But I have a soft spot in my heart for Sam.  He takes all the shit he can handle and still seems to come out on top. 
So here's to you, Sam - and to many more pool-table romps and trailer trash breakfasts cooked in bacon grease...

Dear Sam,

First off, I have to tell you that you deserve more than you get.  You seem to always be getting fucked over in one way or another.  You've had such a rough life, with your adoptive parents ditching you and leaving you alone to fend for yourself and figure out just what the hell you were.  What were they thinking?  It's not like you morphed into a friggin' lion or something - just a cute little puppy dog.  At the very least they could have made some dough off you at the local circus.  Nah, just kidding.

But you were tough, working your way up from having nothing to owning and managing the Bon Temps, Louisiana hot spot, Merlotte's.  Not an easy task for someone who grew up fending for himself on the streets.  Of course we know now that you were bed buddies with the less than scrupulous Maryann Forester, and stole some of her cash in the dead of night.  Wise move, good call.  Well, until she came back to wreak havoc on the entire town. But hey, all that's forgiven.

I have to ask though, if you were (are?) so hot for the local telepathic waitress Sookie, why on earth did you wait till she got googly eyes for the new guy in town before you made your move?  You should have known you wouldn't have a chance with a vampire sneaking in under the radar.  You snooze you lose.
 
Then you get all cozy with Tara.  Big mistake...huge!  That girl has no clue who she is, what she wants, or how to be anything less than a bad-tempered, belly-aching bitch.  You should have known she'd turn everything around and make you the reason for all her pouting and whining.  Stop the madness!  Stay out of her dance space, she'll only bring you grief.

And Sam, I love ya, but how could you not see through Daphne?  The girl couldn't even fill a salt shaker. And to find out she's one of Maryann's consorts who would just as soon sell you out to the devil as to ride your hobby horse.

I do love when that bad-boy streak comes out though, it really turns me on.  That confrontation with those three trashy vampires in your bar - when you up and broke that pool stick in half to go after those losers, knowing they could take your head off with one swipe, now that was some impressive ball-bearing action.

And while we're talking about streaking and body parts - I think we need some more naked-ass running through the woods. Yes, please order me up a dish of that at least once every few weeks - I'm getting a little tired of all the pasty white asses of the fanged community. 

Being the hero is kind of your thing as well, isn't it?  After being an integral part of Sookie's rescue from serial killer Rene Lenier, you went on to help her get her vampire lover Bill out of the sun and into the ground to save his life.  Heck, you could have just let the dude roast out there like a toaster pastry and grabbed the girl.

Then you go and kill that bad-ass bitch from your past, Maryann.   That maenad hag was gonna offer you up as a sacrifice to whatever gods she claimed to answer to. Obviously she wasn't all that and a bag of potato chips if she was stupid enough to believe you (after shifting into a white bull) were a god.  Good call on the goring through the heart.  Sam to the rescue again. 

Lets talk about your family.  No, not the ones who left you high and dry.  Your birth family, which makes the disadvantaged coal mining weed dealers on Justified look like the Huxtables.  Why'd you have to go look them up?  I understand you'd be curious - but once you met them and had to witness Joe-Lee standing around in his saggy underwear drinking cheap beer, that was you cue honey.  LEAVE.

And I get that you want to get to know your brother, but wow - to be honest he's been nothing but trouble too!  You've been more than kind to him and he's done nothing but take advantage of you and stir up trouble.  Take this season for instance.  We're only 6 episodes in and Tommy's already stole money from you, said he hated your fucking guts, played on Hoyt's mamma's loss of her son by moving in with her, tried to buy the house gas rights from under Mrs' Fortenberry, and just recently - killed your parents!  And you're covering up for him.  How does he repay you?  By sleeping with your new horsey girlfriend - after he shifted, into YOU (or something that looked exactly like you.) Holy hell.  And let's not forget last season he tried to get you run over by a flippin' car!  But hey, at least you got to shoot him in the leg. That will score you a few points in the cool book.

Yeah Sam, when it comes to love you seem to be getting the short end of the stick.  First of all, you need to give up on Sookie for the time being, especially with Eric Northman in her bed.  You don't want to be getting all up in his bidness, as Lafayette would say.  Steer clear of the vamps.

Secondly, have some fun.  I fear some major repercussions are in store once you find out Tommy has shifted into you (!) and gotten horizontal with your sexy equine lady friend.  Hopefully you can fix that can of worms and get on with your midnight rolls in the hay.

When push comes to shove though, I really feel like you might someday get that opportunity with Sookie.  As soon as she is through with all her fangbanging activities and tires of all the werewolves growling in her ear, you might just come out on top of the supernatural food chain.

After all, you're honest, hard-working, fair, and let's face it - sexy as hell.  Nor will we forget how arousing it is to watch you take a run through the woods.
I feel at some point your warm-blooded nature will finally win her over.  (I just don't know if you'll still be on television at that point or if it will happen in the novels...I'm hoping for the best for you.)

So here's to you and your plaid shirts, your shit-kicking boots, your penchant for sleeping with problem women, your hidden bad-ass attitude, and your too-kind heart of gold.  I think eventually, you'll get lucky.

Love, Christine