There's No Place Like Horror, Part 2: Horror's Most Undesirable Living Spaces

And so here you have it, the ying to the yang.
Just a few short weeks ago, both myself and the prolific and wonderous Kindertrauma posted our top ten horror homes we'd love to live in, and today we return to the same subject, minus all the happiness and glee.
We now bring you our top ten fear-inducing, crappy-ass places we'd NEVER hang our hat.


10) Jaws, The Orca - Terror on the high seas...
I'm sorry, but as much as I love the ocean, this is no place like home. Unconventional at best, The Orca still serves as much as a home as anywhere else.
But I, for one, won't be holing up in it telling tales of the Indianapolis - or being served up as a hot lunch. But let us remember, it's only an island if you look at it from the water. Um, no thanks.



9) Jeepers Creepers - The old cat lady's house...
While on the outside, it doesn't appear that odd, it just creeps me the hell out. All those cats! Don't get me wrong, I love cats - I own two. But with them slinking around in every window and jumping off the banisters, I cringe every time I watch this film. Let alone the weirdness of the old woman. But all I can really think is this: How would you ever get that cat shit smell out of that house?



8) Poltergeist - creepy urban nightmare...
Can I just say I hate this house? I don't like anything that screams early 80's suburbs, and this one takes the cake. And I absolutely hate garages placed in the front of a house. It's the first thing you see, and who wants to notice two blinding white doors shouting out at you. The fact that it is buried on an ancient Indian burial site is just icing on the cake. And lastly and most importantly, this is the house with that creepy effing clown doll in it. This is a big no-no house.



7) Evil Dead - where the woods are alive...
My hubby and I actually own a cabin in the woods that looks rather similar to this. That being said, we don't generally have to worry about Kandarian demons coming up from the gates of hell and attacking us. There is no bridge that we have to cross that is later rendered useless. We never hear disembodied voices asking us to join them. And I've never, ever had a problem with the trees, okay? So quite frankly, since I already own a similar cabin (without all the flaws and disadvantages) there's no reason to risk demonic possession. How about no...



6) The Abandoned - How about no effing way!...
Maybe many of you haven't seen this film, but it makes a lasting impression if for nothing else but this house. Deep in the Russian woods, with a bridge the only access in, this place just reeks atmosphere. Generally, I'd be all about an address like this - off by itself, inaccessible to pretty much everyone....but to be honest it just creeps me the hell out. It's insanely ominous, and all I can think of are those damn doppelgangers. Gah!



5) Alien - I'm afraid to fly anyway...
Where no one can hear you scream. Literally. Far from the beaten path, hell- far from any path, the Nostromo is certainly not a place where I would feel comfortable hanging my hat. Besides that whole far far away thing, there's the fact that everything is so starkly white up top and so darkly technical and sinister on the lower decks. You never know what might be lurking around the next corner. And since I actually know what is lurking, I'll take a pass.




4) The Blair Witch Project - NO. Just no.
Holy Jesus I'd never live here. While it might be kind of fun, in a Ghost Hunters kind of way, to come across this one deep in the woods and check it out - you probably wouldn't find me here after dark, and I'm not easily frightened. Those hand prints on the wall? That leaves the upstairs out, and I'd be scared to death to even venture into the basement. Nope, ain't gonna happen.



3) Wrong Turn - Hillbilly hell is not appealing...
Between this movie and Deliverance, I will never be comfortable in any of our nation's deep backwoods. And while I live only ninety minutes as the crow flies from the lovely state of West Virginia (where this film supposedly took place) and though I have yet to see anyone quite as...special... as the rednecks in this film, just the thought of the inside of their lovely abode, with its wretched bathroom facilities and foul collection of canned goods is enough to keep me off the back roads indefinitely.



2) Candyman - Cabrini-Green is just not my style...
This monstrosity of impoverished living is this high on the list for a reason. City living will never be me, and these housing projects in Chicago's North Side scare me silly. I've nothing against apartments, but if this place is as ghastly as is presented in the film Candyman, I've no desire to even look at it out of a car window. Besides the obvious gang violence hovering about, the insides of this beauty are just downright dreadful. There is just no way I'd set foot in this shithole.



1) Friday the 13th Part 2 - Just a nice little slice of real estate...
The home of Potato-sack Jason, I've always been terrified by this dilapidated old shack. And we all know the the 'living room' boasts a morbid altar of epic proportions that's just ahead of its time. (Bad pun, I know..) Not only can there not possibly be a bathroom of any kind, I'm gonna take a guess and say that the kitchen leaves a lot to be desired. Plus how would you heat this place? Gotta be big time drafty and uncomfortable. And let's face it, it is completely hideous, just like its owner.

So there you have my top no-no's as far as real estate choices within the horror genre. So pop on over to Kindertrauma to see Unk's choices for the places he wouldn't be caught dead in. Quite literally...

There's No Place Like Horror: Top Ten Killer Homes I'd Move Into Tomorrow

When the great and powerful wizard of Kindertrauma speaks, people listen!
Seriously, when my good pal Unk and I had a little throw-down discussion about retiring to the very same house by the sea that we both fell in love with when watching the movie The Dark, a crazy idea came to mind. Well, the idea wasn't as crazy as we are for thinking we will be moving to Wales any time soon, but it did get us thinking about our favorite houses from horror films. So once you take a look at my lovelies, click on over to Kindertrauma for Unk's favorite places he'd like to call home.

Onward, to peruse my tabulation of terrific places I'd love to roost.

10) April Fool's Day (original) - Buffy/Muffy St. John's house in the original 1986 version of the campy classic is a gorgeous house on an isolated island. I'm all for isolation, and I loved everything about this place. Only accessible by ferry? Rock on! And I do hope they left the mannequins in the attic/basement so I can scare any of my friends that come to visit. And myself, quite frankly.


9) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ('74) - Now that it's obviously been spruced up a bit, this house is actually a feasible possibility. It appears as though you could afford it, and it has family-friendly accessibility and a nice front porch. Plus that really cool basement to boot! No word on whether or not the giant hook is still hanging from the ceiling. It was either this one or the one from House of 1000 Corpses. They are really interchangeable, as far as farmhouses go - but I went with the Tx. Chainsaw one due to the obvious perks.

8) Hell Night (Garth Manor)- Hard to recognize this one? Think back a bit to the early 80's and chubby-era Linda Blair's bouncing breastages. Still can't picture it? How about this:


This house boasts sprawling gardens, turreted rooms, a cavernous underground labyrinth, and best of all - a moat! How many places have one of those these days? Hopefully the ghost of Raymond Garth isn't still lurking about.

7) Collingwood (Dark Shadows) - Everyone knows I have an extreme appreciation for all things fanged and undead. Well, I also have an unyielding love of enormous, rambling estates with tons of creepy personality and vampires to boot. It would take me a damn month just to do a walk through of the place. But this melancholy offering suits my morbid, eccentric moods. This place just says home to me. My wallet however, says no freaking way.

6) Practical Magic (not quite horror but I couldn't resist) - My love for this house knows no bounds. It's everything I like in a place. Loads of character, right by the sea, and tinged with a bit of supernatural magnetism. The thought of drinking midnight margaritas on the porch of this charmer has me making a wish. But not for Goran Visnjic to appear and sweep me off my feet. How about Joe Manganiello instead, please.

5) Ghost Story - Unk knew I'd want this one, and he was ever so right. While it seems like a major fixer-upper, I've also added a pic of what it looked like before the decay set in.


This house freaked me out quite rightly the first time I saw this movie, and I've loved it ever since. Solitude that oozes eerie atmosphere, I can actually see my self sipping tea in the yard or hosting a lovely barbeque for all my friends. Hmm... okay, we'd better go back to the solitude idea.

4) The Changeling - I had so many pics of grand estates from so many movies to try and choose from (the otherworldly mansion from The Others, the castle from Vampyr, The Skeleton Key and Interview With The Vampire plantation houses), but I couldn't resist the sheer beauty of this old place. I could totally see myself hanging out by one of those top floor windows, admiring the magnitude of my obvious wealth. Or just being creepy like Mother in Psycho.

3) Burnt Offerings/Phantasm (same house) - Weird that both these movies were shot at the same house and it never occurred to me before. As you can see from the pic below, it cleans up well.

It is one beautiful house, but it sure looks like it belongs in Louisiana or somewhere equally as deep-south. A lovely abode to return to after a day of Juleps at the races or perhaps a Civil War reenactment. Can't help but hear a resonating "Boy!" when I look at it though...


2) Secret Window - This is probably my favorite of all the houses, simply because it seems the most realistic, the most obtainable, and yet completely perfect. Truly, this one is the most me. Log cabin in the woods, right on a gorgeous lake, with a garden out back and mucho privacy? Yep, dreamy. Speaking of dreamy, wonder if Johnny Depp comes with the package deal?

1) The Dark (of course!) - Anyone who knows me knows I have this major thing with living on the coast of Ireland, Scotland, or Wales. Hence, my obsession with the house from the aforementioned 2005 film, The Dark. Though it's not visible here, the house lies right on the beautiful cliffs of Wales (actually I think it is on the Isle of Man, which stood in for Wales in the film) and beckons for me to enjoy a good book while watching the sheep graze in the yard. Or jump off the cliff, whatever the case may be.

So there you have it, my favorite places in all of horror-dom. Be sure to visit Kindertrauma to see where Unk would like to rest his weary, (blood-soaked) head. He's got his eye on more than just a few famous properties...including the one that just sold at 112 Ocean Avenue. Wonder if those new residents will last 28 days? If not, Unk will be waiting in the wings....