Barker's new ride

Recently I watched a new Clive Barker adaptation, The Midnight Meat Train.



This is just a dark film. Naturally, with Clive Barker writing and producing, you know it's gonna be nasty.
At first, I wasn't sure just what the hell was going on except that there was a serial killer choosing victims on a midnight subway train. Simple concept. Not such a simple flick.

Story goes like this: Leon (Bradley Cooper, in a really odd career choice) is a struggling photographer trying to impress a big wig (Brooke Shields) in the photography world with his unique visions of New York City.
She asks for more - something dark, something real.
He stalks the streets of NYC at night, soon running into a young woman being accosted by a few gang-like thugs. He stops the attack by pointing out the security cameras to them.

The next morning, when having brunch with his supportive girlfriend (Leslie Bibb), he notices a picture of the girl he saved the previous night. She is missing and presumed dead.

Soon he is on the trail of a serial killer who, like I mentioned, selects victims by riding the subway late at night and waiting for most people to get off.. then he gets his trusty - yet thick and scary- meat hammer and brutally slams it into the victims. Over and over, and over again.



The visuals are quite disturbing, and tap into the same kind of visceral sensations that Barker's Hellraiser once did as well. There is a considerable of flying blood.

When Leon tracks the killer down, he risks life and limb by actually taking pictures of the crimes as they occur.

To say more would be saying too much. You have to see this, if nothing else but for the cinematography. It is really stylish and unique in a world of lame remakes and unoriginal films.
I mean, who doesn't like meat hooks, creepy meat packing plants, and slow motion flying blood, right?



But it's not all good. It suffers from some plot holes and isn't particularly scary.
There are changes from the source material (Books of Blood by Barker himself) that are inexplicable.
And the villian, though seemingly menacing and hard-core, comes off always looking like he has a bowel impaction.. or that he might burst into laughter. Ok, maybe that's just me.

It's Friday again...

So... went to see the new Friday the 13th remake yesterday (yes, on Valentine's day - what can I say, as a horror fan I know where my heart lies).



I can't say it really offered any new takes on the franchise. I wasn't jumping up and down afterwards with all the joy and happiness that a really good re-make (are there any?) could bring. But it was fairly good.
If you'd never seen the original.
It brought nothing new to the table and really just felt like your standard, everyday kids get killed in the woods kind of film.
What it did have was a typical cast.




Your token black guy, token asian stoner, a sex-crazed 'go off on their own and get killed' couple, a sleazy but hot 'I'll take whoever's left' kind of chick, the hard-core rich guy, and his everyday-nice-girl-next-door girlfriend. Add Jared Padalecki (Supernatural) as your 'dude in search of his lost sister' and you have your quintessential horror movie cast. Like I said, utterly stereotypical, no surprises. Padalecki is the glue that holds it together, though. Most everyone else is phoning it in.

Guys will no doubt describe this movie in one way. The pre-opening credits romp with the naked hot chick with fake boobs, and the remainder of the film with two naked hot chicks with real boobs (one of whom is water-skiing nude. yeah, seriously). I know, I know. You can't have a horror movie without gratuitious nudity. Whatever.

But getting down to the story (?) - First things first. Re-hash the storyline where they pull an Anne Boleyn with mommy dearest. No real need to update it, just off with the head. I liked the original better.
Then have some kids (pre-opening credits, like I said) hiking in the famous Crystal Lake area, looking for some weed. For some reason, someone (maybe the head Crystal Lake Rasta, I don't know) has planted a shit-load of mary jane out in the middle of nowhere and our first gang of giggling oversexed teens are searching for it when it gets dark and they set up camp for an evening of what else? Drinking, sex, and campfire tales of deformed youngins who want revenge for their mother's death. Right.
So after all their debauchery, they meet up with Jason of course.

Cut to our new cast of partying, sex-driven twenty-somethings. They are headed to the expensive lake-side home of hard-core rich dude (because he is driving the pre-requisite Cadillac Escalade) for a weekend of what else? Sex, drugs, alcohol, and more sex.

They stop for supplies at a local store and meet Clay (Padalecki) who is looking for his lost sister (one of the aforementioned weed-seeking partiers). He and rich-boy don't exactly hit it off, but rich-boy's girlfriend certainly gives Clay a second (and third and fourth) look.

So after some drinking games and naked water-skiing, Jason finally shows up to start dispatching people in a very timely manner. With no truly interesting kills, he just keeps hacking through the cast like any other random nutjob in the woods would.
One thing I did like - the moment he finally ditches the sack over the head and finds his iconic hockey mask. Nice.



Jason in his sack over the head era, pre-hockey mask.



And here he has moved on to the more famous visage we're all used to...
And he's doing what he does best.

Like I said, nothing new here.
And some weird stuff, too - things that didn't make much sense.
For some reason (spoiler here), Jason has kept Clay's sister all chained up in a series of underground tunnels under his old house. Ok, first of all, I think we can all recall that in the original part 2 when we are first introduced to Jason, he was found to be living in a ramshackle old shed of sorts, with random pieces of timber and metal put together. A real piece of crap.
Now he has a house? And the underground tunnels? Did he carve through the layers of dirt and clay to form those cavernous passageways? And for what purpose? And let's not forget, it's lakeside property, people! Could there really be tunnels as such, that close to the water? Wouldn't they fill up with water like a mineshaft would? Huh?
And why the hell would he feel the need to keep the chick alive? What was she eating for six weeks? Was he raping her? Didn't seem to be. Why would he not just kill her? Seriously.

Those things didn't really interfere with my watching or enjoying the film.
But it would have been infinitely more impressive to be someone who had never, in fact, seen ANY of the original friday films - not someone who has seen all ten.
The plots of the first four movies were smooshed together to make this one, so I'm wondering - what now? You know damn well the powers that be are in their offices, waving the magic wand for sequels - especially after the $19 million + it made on opening day, and the projected $50 mil opening weekend. Horror fans always come out in droves the first weekend out, and this appears to be no different.

In comparing this remake against the Zombie "re-imagining" of Halloween a few years back, in all honesty I think I'd take the Halloween flick. Say what you may about Zombie's directorial skills, but at least he brought something new to the franchise. By telling a bit about Michael's background, we at least got a peek into a new chapter of the story. I can't say much for everything that followed after he escaped from prison, as it was basically nothing we hadn't seen, but that first hour - I liked it alot.

But this Friday - rehashed and revamped with no real reason to explain why except to make a few bucks.
I know there are a few remakes in the works for other iconic horror movies, and if I have to sit through a rehash of 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' or 'Hellraiser' like this one, I'm not sure I'll be there opening weekend to throw support. I mean, Elm Street without Robert Englund? Yikes.




One of the best moments in the film.
A perfect shot.

Have a heart, would ya?

Have a bloody fantastic Valentine's Day!

I Believe...

I did this on my regular blog and found myself thinking of lots of slightly dark thoughts to believe in as well - so here goes:

I believe:

*Nearly all horror movies have some redeeming qualities (I said nearly...)

*Stephen King's earlier works are much more frightening.

*I'd rather sleep with a vampire than a werewolf. Excess hair is a real turnoff, even compared to being coffin bait.

*A small stay in an insane asylum isn't necessarily a bad thing.

*'Let the Right One In' is how vampires should be done.

*Serial killers are sadly, damn interesting.

*Escargot (snails) have to be the scariest food - well, except the bugs and shit that that Andrew Zimmern dude eats!

*Ghosts have the right to be pissed.

*Remaking classic horror films is an iffy task, only remotely effective in most cases. One example of a dazzling exception: 'The Thing' (1982 remake of '51 film)

*The tv show 'Moonlight' was cancelled too soon :(

*3D horror films (or any 3D gimmick) is redundant and silly. And the glasses make my face hurt, dammit.

*Anita Blake has turned into a mega-slut. But I still read on, for Jean-Claude's sake.

*The X-Files still has not been worthily replaced.

*Johnny Depp can portray any dark character with unbridled enthusiasm.

*Twilight, while fascinating, is truly vamp-lite in my book.

*'Shaun of the Dead' is friggin' brilliant.

*I may have to order me up some HBO, to see what all the True Blood fuss is about...

*It's always darkest...when the lights are out.

Happy Birthday, George!

Thanks to my favorite uncle for the reminder of this very important birthday!

George Romero/Wikipedia

Super Sunday...

GOOD LUCK BLACK & GOLD !!!

cool!

Steelers Pride

Just an unavoidable shout out to The Pittsburgh Steelers for winning the AFC Championship yesterday after defeating the Baltimore Ravens. Kudos to Polamalu for the pick that saved the day.

It's off to the Superbowl in Tampa to meet up with the Arizona Cardinals and their head coach Ken Whisenhunt - former offensive coordinator for the Steelers. You gotta love it.

Normally, I do like birds... however, in this case- I tend to remember that steel can crush a bird like nobody's business.

go steelers!!!

Depp as Barnabas? Say it ain't so...

I was googling my little heart out today when I read somewhere that the rumor regarding a Dark Shadows film (with Johnny Depp attached as Barnabas Collins) was circulating again.



Dark Shadows was a popular gothic soap opera that was on in the late 60's/early 70's. Johnny Depp is always quoted as saying he loved the show, and to play Barnabas would be a real highlight in his career.
So bring it on!

I keep seeing that the new film version is coming out in 2010, and that Depp's production company has the rights and Tim Burton (of course) was signed on to direct.


If Dark Shadows does come to fruition, it would mark Depp's 8th collaboration with Burton.

Well, this is the most positive proof about the Dark Shadows movie that I found:
A (very) short interview with prolific producer Richard D. Zanuck...

Really does sound like it's the truth this time. Supposedly they are working on it this summer.
Guess we'll see. Have to follow this story as info is available.

Meanwhile, I was thinking how truly perfect Johnny Depp would be in that role.



Most of the following pics are stills from Sleepy Hollow - but I'd have to think his look would be similar as Barnabas Collins.





And my favorite...



Please let him look just like that :)

Why, George, Why?

I know, it seems a real sacrilege to diss this film. It really does.
But I have to be honest when I say this movie just didn't do it for me.
Much as I respect the great George Romero (we're not worthy...we're not worthy) - I think maybe he might want to re-think any current zombie movies he might have on the brain.

Some people (or so I've read) are calling this a masterpiece. Seriously?
To me, it seemed like a cross between Cloverfield and MTV's The Real World (which isn't saying much on either account).
The whole hand-held movie camera schtick has simply got to end at some point, right?
It was absolutely brilliant in The Blair Witch Project.
Then everyone and their mother started doing it and it meant nothing. Not clever. Pure crap.

Ok. Plot goes like this: The recently deceased are coming back to life.
WOW, something new, you say? I wish.
This concept was great. In 1968.
Forty years later and we have nothing new to add but a movie camera filming the events happening? Ugh.

The acting in this movie sucked. I especially hated the lead character Jason (Joshua Close)...he was the jackass shoving the camera in everyone's face as they ran for their lives. Hated him nearly as much as his bitchy, completely unlikeable girlfriend, Debra (Michelle Morgan).
I wished a zombie would eat her freakin' brains!

Hard to believe anyone found this concept frightening. I sure didn't.
There were a few good gore scenes, but to be totally honest, Cloverfield came off more scary than this. And Blair Witch? Vastly superior to this poppycock.
We're supposed to believe that if a so-called zombie was chasing you - or your girlfriend - you would make sure you kept that camera rolling, no matter if your friend gets an ax in the head or their guts ripped out or what have you.
Silly, that's all I can say.
I wanted to punch Jason countless times and actually could not wait to see his innards turn to mush.

On a positive note: I did enjoy the mention of Pittsburgh (and surrounding locations) in the film, which is typical of longtime 'Burgh resident Romero.

Anyway... I didn't like Diary of the Dead, and now I know why I waited so darn long to move it up on my Netflix queue. Can't get those 96 minutes back.
Unfortunately, I have read on Wikipedia that Romero is making yet another zombie installment called (tenatively) Island of the Dead.
Help.

I am a HUGE fan of Romero's black and white original NOTLD, and drag it out on several occassions throughout any given year to get my zombie fix. But I'm not really much of a zombie freak, to be honest.

Echoing my previous posts, bring on the vampires.
I like my undead still do-able. Sorry.

Seriously!

Such a great sign.

However:
Would mean so much more if they spelled rotary correctly...

Gone to the dogs...

With the holidays just ending (a quick shout out to celebrate that fact), I've been trying to watch a few more movies, in particular horror.

I was really lacking in the month of December, simply because I had enough horror in every day life trying to deal with the behemoth that is the holiday season...
But in the last week, I watched two movies, both original takes on the werewolf story.

I have heard that 2009 is the year of the werewolf.

2008 was supposedly vampires, with the Twilight phenom, True Blood on HBO, and the fabulous movie based on the book of the same name: Let The Right One In. (Sadly I haven't seen the film yet, it hasn't been around here - but I say it's fab because I've only heard good things....)

But I assume the whole year of the wolf thing stems from the upcoming remake of The Wolfman (starring Benicio Del Toro and releasing in November '09) and the fact that the second Twilight film, New Moon (Nov. also), contains a major plotline involving lycanthropes/shapeshifters. I also read somewhere that there is a tv show in development about the moon-loving hairballs.

So, in that vein....

I must say neither of these movies thrilled me to pieces. They both were just mediocre. I will start with the one with the really hot dude, cause that's about all that kept me watching.

Skinwalkers (2007) is about two packs of werewolves, one good - one evil. Yeah, whatever.

The main point I need to make here is that Jason Behr (The Grudge, Roswell) is one really hot, evil werewolf. That's about all I got from this mess.

Jason Behr as "Valek"

The evil pack (who travel in a biker gang. Why? Because it's cool, right?) is trying to infiltrate the good pack because apparently there is a 12 year old boy among them that has the power (when he hits puberty or some such stupid thing) to - when the big creepy red moon comes up at midnight on the kid's 13th birthday (naturally!) - stop the evil affliction and release them from the curse.

There is something for the boys, too - Rhona Mitra stars as the boys mother, but she's pretty flat as an actress. She has never seemed realistic in anything she does. (Hope she fairs better taking over for Kate Beckinsale in the new Underworld movie - Rise of the Lycans... see, more werewolves.)

One thing that really irritated me was all the gunfire. There was more gunfighting in this movie than the shootout at the OK Corral! I mean, this is a werewolf movie. Show me some damn heads getting ripped off or something. Can't they at least bite someone? Most of the action comes when they are still human. And I guess they need guns to show who's boss. Dumb.

Basically this is one big wreck of a film. There's stuff about Native American curses, a few sex scenes, a bit of gore - and other than that, ugh.

But it was worth watching for Jason Behr, if nothing else. I've come to believe that since he can't really get a decent career off the ground, perhaps he should just model underwear...

Blood & Chocolate (2007) is even more convoluted than Skinwalkers.

It wants so much to be a Twilight-style flick for the younger generation, even though it pre-dates it more than a year - but it just doesn't get there.

Vivian (Agnes Bruckner) lives in Bucharest -that's in Romania, folks - where all the vampires come from - they couldn't even give the werewolves their own country. WTF?
She lives with an aunt because her parents are dead, killed by an nasty pack of werewolves. Vivian has her own little secret as well. Bet you can guess what it is. Yep, her time of the month is exceptionally harsh.

Aiden (Hugh Dancy, in an odd role choice) is a graphic artist traveling through Bucharest when he is bewitched by Vivian and they fall in love.
Unfortunately, Vivian is promised to the leader of the pack (please refrain from singing...), Gabriel (Olivier Martinez, who was much lovelier in 'Unfaithful'..).
Fighting ensues. Blah Blah Blah.

Basically all I can say good about this movie is this: They used real wolves instead of really bad CGI or crappy effects. It worked for me, but that's about all that did.
This movie falls flat on so many levels.

I am convinced there have only been three good werewolf movies in the last thirty years: An American Werewolf in London and The Howling (both 1981) and the under-rated and under-appreciated Dog Soldiers (2002)...
(Mini-props to Ginger Snaps (2000), I guess.)

Guess we'll see how they do with the Wolfman remake and New Moon... surely someone will get it right...

But for now, I'll just take my vampires, thanks.

Besides, not to be rude, but if you have sex with a werewolf (before he changes I hope) - does that mean you are into beastiality?
Ew. Bring on the vamps.

All the Best for a HORRORble 2009!

Dead on arrival.

Another bad movie warning: Don't dare bother with 'Dead of Winter' (2007)... not even if you are stuck choosing between it and say, the Prom Night remake. At the very least, Prom Night has Kellan Lutz in it.

First of all, the reason I rented this gem from Netflix is because I read somewhere that it was a cross between 30 Days of Night (which I really liked) and The Shining (obviously a classic and a fave of mine)...
Well, quoting lines verbatim from The Shining does not a good movie make.... and as for the correlation between this dreck and 30 Days of Night? That I don't get at all. Ok, there was snow in both films, I'll give them that. But no vampires, and certainly NO scares whatsoever.

The threadbare plot consists of this: Tiffany and Kevin are in their early twenties, about to move in together, and headed to a New Year's Eve party. At the party, one of Kevin's friends slips some LSD in their drinks and then tries to make it with Tiffany. (great friend, eh?)
Tiff and Kev angrily leave. They soon start tripping on the drugs and have a car accident because Kevin thinks he sees someone in the backseat of the car. (If only - at least that would have been somewhat alarming...) They leave the car and start running through the woods.

The End.

No, seriously - this movie really was as bad as it sounds. It is supposed to be scary I suppose, but to be honest, I was frightened more by Willy Wonka and his psychedelic boat trip down the freaky chocolate river and through that nausea-inducing tunnel to hell ("There's no earthy way of knowing....which direction we are going....")
All these two do is trip out, run through the snowy woods, and find abandoned buildings and shacks to scare the shit out of themselves in.

The acting is poor, to say the least. The cinematography is crap. There is no gore to speak of- and absolutely not one scary moment. I've been more shocked watching an episode of American Idol than this rubbish. They actually tried to startle the viewer with a malicious snow tram/plow (another rip off from The Shining?)... and then attempted to pull off a seriously malfunctioned twist ending that you could see coming a mile away.
Even funnier is the fact that at the beginning of the movie, it says this was based on true events. I find that incredibly hard to believe.

If you're looking for movies with drug induced stupors causing weird shit to happen, rent 'Shrooms' - though not an instant classic, it's much more effective - and the acting doesn't suck.

Dead of Winter = really really bad.

Merry Christmas from the gang!

It's so hard to get everyone together for a group photo...

Seriously?

Read on the internet today that some woman in Wilkes-Barre, PA. tried to sell "Gothic Kittens" over the internet.

Guess they had piercings and what not.



You can read this crazy shit here.

*No mention was made if the kitty came with his own iPod filled with emo tunes from Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessional, etc...

Dark isn't a big enough word.

My thoughts on The Dark Knight: Why So Serious??

No pulse whatsoever

Well, add another movie to the list of "OH.MY.GOD. why did I rent this?".... and say thank you out loud that I didn't purchase this.

To be honest, the 'Pulse' remake (2006) was pretty bad, so why I thought this would or could be better is beyond me. What a waste of time. I could have watched a repeat of City Confidential and been more entertained. Why on earth it is marketed as a Dimension Extreme movie is the real question. There was close to zero extreme moments. No blood or guts to speak of.

Here's my take on it: Dude and daughter are running from an internet ghost, which happens to be the girl's mother and the dude's ex. The End.

Don't rent this. I just can't even be bothered telling you any more about it. Suffice it to say the acting is hollow, the plot is non existent, and the special ghosty effects are like watching Land of the Lost.

I'm just doing my duty, warning you to avoid this at all costs. Actually worse than Prom Night 2 and Paranoid Park combined. Bad with a capital B.

A few recent viewings

Seems I have been on hiatus from watching scary stuff these last few weeks. It's a busy time of the year for everyone, and seeing as how this is the silly season, I feel completely hurried and rushed all the time to get everything done for the holidays. This cuts into my horror habit and makes me cranky and unwilling to write.

I have, however, managed to watch a view films. (Besides seeing Twilight for the second time, that is...)

First, we have Immortality - a 1998 thriller (?) starring Jude Law.

With the Twilight book series coming to an end in August and the first book's movie adaptation, as well as HBO's vamp show, True Blood, it seems 2008 has been the year of the vampire.
I have forever been a fan of vampires, and so this strange obsession the world is having is old school to me. But it has brought a resurgence in my quest for new or unseen vamp action.

Immortality is a very different vampire film. Originally titled 'The Wisdom of Crocodiles' in its native Britian (there is a line in the movie that justifies this ridiculous title, but I can still see why they re-named it for American audiences), it tells the story of one Steven Grlscz (yep, no vowels, Vanna!).

Steven is, apparently, a vampire - but they never show his fangs, he walks around in the sunlight, he doesn't seem to have a problem with mirrors, etc. (Gee, kinda like Twilight now that I think about it). He does stalk women though, that much is true.

The beginning of the film establishes in no uncertain terms that any women that Steven gets close to seem to meet an untimely end. He does actually kill a woman onscreen - he violently bites her and 'apparently' drains her dead. This woman and he were in love, and that seems to be the real clincher for your damnation. You have to fall in love with Steven before he will kill you for your blood. He needs you to be IN LOVE with him so he can feed off that energy I guess. Like I said, a different take on the concept.

Steven then meets Anna, a strong willed and brilliant engineer, and cannot bring himself to end her life - he truly falls in love with her and feels that they are soul mates. But his internal hunger makes keeping her alive a real challenge for him.

All the while, Steven has a detective on his trail for the murder at the beginning of the film - in which he dumped the body out on a deserted watery causeway, which covers with the tide and makes hiding the body convienient. But Steven didn't cover his tracks as well as usual, and the detective and him form a rather strange bond throughout the investigation.

Jude Law is completely watchable in this brooding and eccentric movie. I find it difficult to call it horror - or classify it as a typical vampire film. There is little to no blood (save that one murder) and all the classic elements are non-existent. But there is a mysterious and psychological element that draws you in. I couldn't stop watching it and found it strangely intriguing.

Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) is a direct to DVD sequel to the highly entertaining original from 2001. Obviously there was no reason to make this movie other than to capitalize on the name.

Having said that, it wasn't the worst movie I've seen recently (that honor would go to the awful Paranoid Park, or maybe the Prom Night remake).

Joy Ride 2 is basically just your average 'death on the road' flick.

Melissa (Nicki Aycox) and her fiance Bobby (Nick Zano) are on their way to Vegas for a pre-wedding bash of some sort. Along for the ride is sister Kayla (Laura Jordan), who in turn meets up with her online crush, punker/goth wannabe Nik (Kyle Schmid) - who she is hoping to get to know better (and we all know how much better that will be)...

Along the way their car breaks down (oh.my.god. - get some new tricks, movie people!) - then they find an abandoned house (we're reaching stretching the boundaries of NEW here, eh?) and decide to break in (Hello?) and end up 'borrowing' the gorgeously restored '71 Chevelle in the garage (yeah, like that would happen).

While having a meal at a local diner, they get a phone call from the nefarious Rusty Nail (our truck-driving, gravelly voiced villian from the first film) who has Melissa's boyfriend (apparently abducted from the rest room) and he wants to make a deal.

The movie just plays out like a cat and mouse thriller with some blood and guts thrown in for good measure. But there was something about it I liked, I can't put my finger on it. I think the production was a bit higher in class than most Direct to DVD flicks. The acting was good, in my opinion - with horror veteran Aycox seemingly scraping near the bottom of the barrel for work lately.

All in all, not a bad 90 minutes, and worth a purchase out of the $5 bargain bin at WalMart perhaps.

It's the holiday season...

I've gone off Christmas shopping for no other reason than to destroy my self confidence after looking at the crazy wealth walking around all the malls...
And they say there's a recession....

Be back soon.