Festival of Fear: Day 20: The List: Top Ten Most Annoying Kids In Horror

In stark contrast to the post I did on the Top Ten (Horror Kids) I'd Adopt is this particular post.  And while it may seem like I would choose kids like Damien or Esther, that's not what I'm talking about here.  What I mean is the children that annoy me, not necessarily the kid-villains.

These are kids that I'd kind of like to punch in the face.

Andy Barclay (Alex Vincent) from CHILD'S PLAY

I hate this kid.  I don't think there's a more whiny child in horror or perhaps any other genre. It would have suited me just fine if Chucky would have just offed Andy in the first reel.  He whined and whined until Mommy had to end up buying that damn Good Guy doll from a street bum and look where that got them!  He's stupid enough to take orders from a freaking doll and gets a couple of murder raps thrown at him, all the while assuring everyone that he and Chucky are friends till the end!!

Young Carlo (Jacopo Mariani) from DEEP RED

Carlo falls on this list due to his "deer in the headlights" look and his really bad knee socks and shoes. What kind of parent dresses a kid like that?  I don't care if it's Christmas.  I don't care if it's Italy and that's the fashion.  I don't care if it's 1975.  It's obvious it made the child a cold-blooded killer.  (Well, that and seeing his mother stab his father to death probably didn't help.)  But this kid, combined with that godforsaken lullaby....ugh.

Robbie Freehling (Oliver Robins) from POLTERGEIST

I can't really say why I dislike Robbie so damn much.  The kid just gets under my skin. I wanted that creepy-ass clown to kill him, I really did.  Actually I hated the whole damn family, with the exception of little Carol Anne of course.  Probably why Poltergeist has never made it high on any of my must-see lists.  Robbie is definitely the biggest reason though, and I really thought he'd bite it when the demon tree came through the window.  Alas, it was not meant to be.

 Tad Trenton (Danny Pintauro) from CUJO

 Oh Tad....you really piss me off with your whining about your "monster words" and your relentless screaming in the car.   You're such a goober.  Oblivious to the fact that his mommy and daddy's marriage is on the rocks, all he cares about is making sure the monster under the bed or in the closet doesn't get him.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on the little chap, but when he starts that non-stop wailing in the car when his mom is trying to get him calmed down, I am just praying that the St. Bernard breaks through the glass. Sorry.

Anne Stewart (Alakina Mann)  from THE OTHERS

What a mouthy, disrespectful little brat!  She didn't need a time out, she needed an ass whooping.  Taken to drawing ghastly pictures of little kids and old women that don't really exist (or do they?) and smarting back to her mother at every turn, Anne is not the poster child for good behavior.  She makes fun of her little brother and teases him relentlessly.  She questions the Bible lessons her mother teaches her, refuses to eat,  and sneaks out of the house to run away.  Granted, her mother should have believed her when she said she saw ghosts....but this kid's rotten manners and lack of courtesy are unforgivable.

Ellie Creed (Blaze Berdahl) from PET SEMATARY

 Ellie Creed (Blaze Berdahl) from Pet Sematary. Another whining little girl I can't tolerate.  What makes it worse is that sadly, the young actress that portrays her just really wasn't that good.  She needs to take lessons from Alakina Mann (above, from The Others) who, while her character was very annoying, was an excellent little actress.  Here, we have Ellie gushing about Gage one minute then fake crying the next when he is run over on the road. Most awful was her nightmares when she "saw" the ghost of Victor Pascow.  Her wailing and stuttering was so fake - really tough to take.  What's worse - Berdahl had a twin that acted in the film as well, meaning there were TWO really poor actresses in the role. Ugh.

Aidan Keller (David Dorfman) from THE RING

 Sometimes, kids are just too creepy to like, as in the case of Aidan from The Ring and The Ring Two.  Far too wise for his years, Aidan takes care of his mother more than she does of him, and indicates the level of respect he has for her by calling her Rachel instead of Mom. He draws terrifying pictures at school and watches that ominous video tape, both throwing Mom into a panic. But he's at his most eerie when discussing Samara.  Aidan knows Samara is evil, and even though Mom and Dad solve the mystery and give her a proper burial, it's Aidan that knows that's not what Samara wants.  He knows she never sleeps. And the expression on his face is enough to send even the strongest-willed folks running.  He's no less creepy in the sequel, The Ring Two.  I just can't deal with this kid.  

Tommy Doyle (Brian Andrews)  from HALLOWEEN (1978)

 Tommy could not be more annoying - one of those little kids on the block that just can't stop talking:  Can we make popcorn? Can we make jack-o-lanterns? Can we watch monster movies?  Can we read comics? Etc, etc, etc!  He then incessantly runs around the house, screaming about the boogeyman coming to get them.  I realize he was right, but yelling and acting like an idiot is a recipe for disaster in a horror movie. Shut the hell up and go hide!  Ok, I did feel a little bad for the kid when those bullies made him fall and crack open his gigantic pumpkin, but other than that he can steer clear.  Grr!

Daeg Faerch (Michael Myers) of HALLOWEEN (2007)

While we're discussing Halloween, I couldn't resist mentioning this one. I don't like this kid.  He scares me.  I know that was what director Rob Zombie was going for, but wow. I know there is a great deal of controversy about this fresh take on the Halloween story, and let's face it - the original was scarier because that Michael looked completely harmless and innocent.  This devil's spawn looked like exactly like the type that would flatten your tires, cut your phone cord, and kill your dog just for spite.  This Michael grew up in a white-trash world with a stripper mom who thought he could do no wrong.  Everything about him screams mass murderer.  He killed animals for fun, for pete's sake, before he even thought to stab his sister. If I'm being completely honest - I hated this Michael.

Bob Boyle (Giovanni Frezzi) from THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY

  It's entirely possible that Giovanni Frezzi is the worst child actor of his generation.  And while I realize sometimes things are lost in translation in Italian horror movies, I don't think the language barrier is the reason that Bob is such a horrendous character.  Everything about his character is awful, even though the entire film winds around what happens to HIM.  He is essentially the lead character and yet...he's so bad it's almost funny. The dubbing on some versions is SO bad - Bob sounds like a little girl instead of a boy. Not that that would make a damn bit of difference.  If you have an affinity for "B" horror like I do, you can overlook the astoundingly bad acting in the film (because let's face it, it's not just Bob that sucks) and enjoy this Fulci classic.  But no one could ever force me to like Bob...just ain't gonna happen.

Top Ten (Horror Film) Kids I'd Adopt

 I'm not a big fan of children.  I've often commented that there should be one state in the USA that doesn't allow children.  Adults only. My husband and I would SO move there. (It'd be my luck if that would actually happen, the designated state would turn out to be Kansas or Oklahoma and we would be swept off the face of the earth within the first week of residency by some massive F5 twister or something.)
Honestly, I've wished many a time that I was telekinetic like Carrie White so I could just glare at a bratty kid who's riding through my grass and make him fall off his bicycle and break his femur. I've even tried. (No, it didn't work, don't worry.)

But I'm not completely heartless.  I have relatives that are tiny humans and I actually like the heck out of them. My best friend has a daughter who's hopelessly adorable.  And I've watched many a child grow up to be regular adults who no longer scream and run around in quiet bookstores.  And above all, my year-old niece is simply put, the cutest kid on the planet.  See what I mean?

 

So there are some kids that I can certainly tolerate and even love!  That said, I've come up with a list of ten kids I would adopt. And because this is a horror blog - you get kids from within the horror genre.
See how that works?

1) Danny Torrance (The Shining):  Poor Danny. Alcoholic, easily influenced, nut-job father. Appallingly unattractive waif of a mother. Danny, despite talking in a strange voice while playing finger puppets without the puppet, does win the prize for best dressed here in our countdown.  Look at the Mickey sweater above!

 And wow.  An Apollo 11 sweater?  All on a teacher's salary?  He looks pretty bad ass here! Gonna whup some butt!
But Danny has a gift I'm not sure I could handle.  Not exactly special needs, but definitely out of my comfort zone.  Soon, Danny starts hanging out with Dad too much and he seems to be following in his footsteps.
Observe:

and soon after.....

 And finally:  he still wears the cool-kids sweaters, but has evolved into a knife-toting, red-rum chanting devil-child.

Poor Danny needs to get out from under his wacky parents' influence.  I could take him under my wing and give him all the damn chocolate ice cream he wants, and Tony?  He can go get bent.

 2) Jamie Lloyd (Halloween series):  Aww, look how gosh-darned cute she is!  (Well, except for those hopelessly awful bangs!). Now this little girl needs some TLC.  When your uncle is a psychopath, it's hard to make friends!

 
 I can still hear them chanting: "Jamie's an orphan! Jamie's an orphan!" 
Let's remedy that, shall we?  I'd consider signing the adoption papers if I didn't think it was going to end up another kid with a butcher knife.

Dammit.  I knew it.

3) Carlos (The Devil's Backbone) - Young Carlos thought he was just going to stay at the 'boys school' for a spell, when really daddy was dropping him off for all of time.  Yikes.
So I think I'd like to snatch him up (that sounded bad - shouldn't say snatch and kids in the same sentence if you don't want to be arrested!) What I meant was, I'd give Carlos a good home.  One where he wouldn't be seeing long-dead ghosts and having to deal with the harsh reality of the Spanish Civil war.

There also wouldn't be any defused bombs in my backyard.
Carlos would be in good hands. And I could pass him off as my love child with Antonio Banderas.

4) Nicholas Stewart (The Others) - Aww, Nicholas - you little scamp, you. 
Another child with 'special needs', lil' Nicky can't be out in the sun.  Hates light, in general.  Not sure how well that would go over at my house - though I certainly am a night person.  But this kid is even paler than I am, and I didn't think that was possible.

 He certainly wouldn't be able to come on vacation with us to the beach, that's for sure!
And though Nicholas would be more than welcome in my home, his bratty sister Anne is forbidden to cross my threshold.

5) Gage (Pet Sematary):  Probably the cutest kid in horror, hands down.  Little Gage suffers from 'dumb-ass-parents-syndrome'.  Anyone who would let their child run, unattended, near a major goddamned highway deserves to join the bad parents club immediately.
Worse yet, his dad digs up his body and steals it from the cemetery only to re-plant it in some ancient Indian burial ground. 
And what do we get from that brilliant idea?

Another kid with a sharp implement.  I'm sensing a pattern here.
But if I had my hands on that kid, THIS is what you'd get:

Now that's a kid after my own heart.  And he reads too? Awesome.

6) Job and Sarah (Children of the Corn): Two for the price of one! If pressed, I'd most certainly choose Sarah, she's just cute as a button, and loves Del Shannon - how can you go wrong?

  Job, on the other hand, is probably forever messed up and in desperate need of psychotherapy after witnessing his dad's murder while out for an ice cream sundae.

 As melancholy as he looks, he's still a pretty smart kid, helping his sister and two adults escape the wrath of "He who walks behind the rows".  I think this duo is fairly salvageable.  More so than anyone else so far...
First order of business for them?  A trip to American Eagle for some new duds.  Or at least Old Navy.
Those old-fashioned threads are so last season.

7) Billy Drayton (The Mist): Let me just say this first and foremost. I hate bugs. So Billy would have no issues with giant, creepy-ass bugs with me around. 

Billy was a bit of a mama's boy though.  Not that humongous spiders and flying grasshoppers wouldn't scare the piss of me and make me a bit of a sissy as well.   No knives or scalpels for Billy.  But to his benefit, he did have Thomas Jane AND Laurie Holden.  Always a plus. 
So if I were to adopt him, could I get Thomas Jane too??

8) Billy Harley (Pumpkinhead): Can I just say how much I love this little guy?  When he makes that necklace for his dad and tells him he doesn't have to wear if all the time, just "when it strikes ya", I just have to grin.
And then those assholes run him over with their dirt bikes! Ahhh!  No!
That pissed me off more than when the semi hit Gage.

 Just. Breaks. My. Heart.

9) Sean Brody (Jaws): Michael is the precocious one. Sean is the one who sings Muffin Man and plays copy-cat with his Dad. Neither of the kids listen very well, but Sean would be my pick to bring home. Far away from the danger of the deep blue sea, he could thrive and still play in the sand.....box.

Admittedly, the creepy face Sean makes here is a little bit...shall we say, kooky?  But when you picture him and his dad, I can't help but to think he looks more than adorable. 
I could straighten this kid out and have him in line before his accent becomes too New Yawk.

10) Carol Anne Freehling (Poltergeist):  It's an obvious fact that no list of this nature would forget dear, sweet Carol Anne.  Trapped in the tv, so to speak. Out there...somewhere.

 Normally, I don't like blondes.  Nor do I like people that are conduits to evil demons and ghosts. But little Carol Anne can't help it, she didn't ask for the spirits of the dead to invade her happy home.
She'd probably feel at home here at my house, as I'm pretty sure there is a ghost living in our attic.  But the minute she utters those famous two words, she's outta here.
No matter how impossibly cute she is.