Honestly, I've wished many a time that I was telekinetic like Carrie White so I could just glare at a bratty kid who's riding through my grass and make him fall off his bicycle and break his femur. I've even tried. (No, it didn't work, don't worry.)
But I'm not completely heartless. I have relatives that are tiny humans and I actually like the heck out of them. My best friend has a daughter who's hopelessly adorable. And I've watched many a child grow up to be regular adults who no longer scream and run around in quiet bookstores. And above all, my year-old niece is simply put, the cutest kid on the planet. See what I mean?
So there are some kids that I can certainly tolerate and even love! That said, I've come up with a list of ten kids I would adopt. And because this is a horror blog - you get kids from within the horror genre.
See how that works?
1) Danny Torrance (The Shining): Poor Danny. Alcoholic, easily influenced, nut-job father. Appallingly unattractive waif of a mother. Danny, despite talking in a strange voice while playing finger puppets without the puppet, does win the prize for best dressed here in our countdown. Look at the Mickey sweater above!
And wow. An Apollo 11 sweater? All on a teacher's salary? He looks pretty bad ass here! Gonna whup some butt!
But Danny has a gift I'm not sure I could handle. Not exactly special needs, but definitely out of my comfort zone. Soon, Danny starts hanging out with Dad too much and he seems to be following in his footsteps.
and soon after.....
And finally: he still wears the cool-kids sweaters, but has evolved into a knife-toting, red-rum chanting devil-child.
Poor Danny needs to get out from under his wacky parents' influence. I could take him under my wing and give him all the damn chocolate ice cream he wants, and Tony? He can go get bent.
2) Jamie Lloyd (Halloween series): Aww, look how gosh-darned cute she is! (Well, except for those hopelessly awful bangs!). Now this little girl needs some TLC. When your uncle is a psychopath, it's hard to make friends!
I can still hear them chanting: "Jamie's an orphan! Jamie's an orphan!"
Let's remedy that, shall we? I'd consider signing the adoption papers if I didn't think it was going to end up another kid with a butcher knife.
Dammit. I knew it.
3) Carlos (The Devil's Backbone) - Young Carlos thought he was just going to stay at the 'boys school' for a spell, when really daddy was dropping him off for all of time. Yikes.
So I think I'd like to snatch him up (that sounded bad - shouldn't say snatch and kids in the same sentence if you don't want to be arrested!) What I meant was, I'd give Carlos a good home. One where he wouldn't be seeing long-dead ghosts and having to deal with the harsh reality of the Spanish Civil war.
There also wouldn't be any defused bombs in my backyard.
Carlos would be in good hands. And I could pass him off as my love child with Antonio Banderas.
4) Nicholas Stewart (The Others) - Aww, Nicholas - you little scamp, you.
Another child with 'special needs', lil' Nicky can't be out in the sun. Hates light, in general. Not sure how well that would go over at my house - though I certainly am a night person. But this kid is even paler than I am, and I didn't think that was possible.
He certainly wouldn't be able to come on vacation with us to the beach, that's for sure!
And though Nicholas would be more than welcome in my home, his bratty sister Anne is forbidden to cross my threshold.
5) Gage (Pet Sematary): Probably the cutest kid in horror, hands down. Little Gage suffers from 'dumb-ass-parents-syndrome'. Anyone who would let their child run, unattended, near a major goddamned highway deserves to join the bad parents club immediately.
Worse yet, his dad digs up his body and steals it from the cemetery only to re-plant it in some ancient Indian burial ground.
And what do we get from that brilliant idea?
Another kid with a sharp implement. I'm sensing a pattern here.
But if I had my hands on that kid, THIS is what you'd get:
Now that's a kid after my own heart. And he reads too? Awesome.
Job, on the other hand, is probably forever messed up and in desperate need of psychotherapy after witnessing his dad's murder while out for an ice cream sundae.
As melancholy as he looks, he's still a pretty smart kid, helping his sister and two adults escape the wrath of "He who walks behind the rows". I think this duo is fairly salvageable. More so than anyone else so far...
First order of business for them? A trip to American Eagle for some new duds. Or at least Old Navy.
Those old-fashioned threads are so last season.
7) Billy Drayton (The Mist): Let me just say this first and foremost. I hate bugs. So Billy would have no issues with giant, creepy-ass bugs with me around.
Billy was a bit of a mama's boy though. Not that humongous spiders and flying grasshoppers wouldn't scare the piss of me and make me a bit of a sissy as well. No knives or scalpels for Billy. But to his benefit, he did have Thomas Jane AND Laurie Holden. Always a plus.
So if I were to adopt him, could I get Thomas Jane too??
8) Billy Harley (Pumpkinhead): Can I just say how much I love this little guy? When he makes that necklace for his dad and tells him he doesn't have to wear if all the time, just "when it strikes ya", I just have to grin.
And then those assholes run him over with their dirt bikes! Ahhh! No!
That pissed me off more than when the semi hit Gage.
9) Sean Brody (Jaws): Michael is the precocious one. Sean is the one who sings Muffin Man and plays copy-cat with his Dad. Neither of the kids listen very well, but Sean would be my pick to bring home. Far away from the danger of the deep blue sea, he could thrive and still play in the sand.....box.
Admittedly, the creepy face Sean makes here is a little bit...shall we say, kooky? But when you picture him and his dad, I can't help but to think he looks more than adorable.
I could straighten this kid out and have him in line before his accent becomes too New Yawk.
10) Carol Anne Freehling (Poltergeist): It's an obvious fact that no list of this nature would forget dear, sweet Carol Anne. Trapped in the tv, so to speak. Out there...somewhere.
Normally, I don't like blondes. Nor do I like people that are conduits to evil demons and ghosts. But little Carol Anne can't help it, she didn't ask for the spirits of the dead to invade her happy home.
She'd probably feel at home here at my house, as I'm pretty sure there is a ghost living in our attic. But the minute she utters those famous two words, she's outta here.
No matter how impossibly cute she is.