Saturday, December 27, 2008

Dead on arrival.

Another bad movie warning: Don't dare bother with 'Dead of Winter' (2007)... not even if you are stuck choosing between it and say, the Prom Night remake. At the very least, Prom Night has Kellan Lutz in it.

First of all, the reason I rented this gem from Netflix is because I read somewhere that it was a cross between 30 Days of Night (which I really liked) and The Shining (obviously a classic and a fave of mine)...
Well, quoting lines verbatim from The Shining does not a good movie make.... and as for the correlation between this dreck and 30 Days of Night? That I don't get at all. Ok, there was snow in both films, I'll give them that. But no vampires, and certainly NO scares whatsoever.

The threadbare plot consists of this: Tiffany and Kevin are in their early twenties, about to move in together, and headed to a New Year's Eve party. At the party, one of Kevin's friends slips some LSD in their drinks and then tries to make it with Tiffany. (great friend, eh?)
Tiff and Kev angrily leave. They soon start tripping on the drugs and have a car accident because Kevin thinks he sees someone in the backseat of the car. (If only - at least that would have been somewhat alarming...) They leave the car and start running through the woods.

The End.

No, seriously - this movie really was as bad as it sounds. It is supposed to be scary I suppose, but to be honest, I was frightened more by Willy Wonka and his psychedelic boat trip down the freaky chocolate river and through that nausea-inducing tunnel to hell ("There's no earthy way of knowing....which direction we are going....")
All these two do is trip out, run through the snowy woods, and find abandoned buildings and shacks to scare the shit out of themselves in.

The acting is poor, to say the least. The cinematography is crap. There is no gore to speak of- and absolutely not one scary moment. I've been more shocked watching an episode of American Idol than this rubbish. They actually tried to startle the viewer with a malicious snow tram/plow (another rip off from The Shining?)... and then attempted to pull off a seriously malfunctioned twist ending that you could see coming a mile away.
Even funnier is the fact that at the beginning of the movie, it says this was based on true events. I find that incredibly hard to believe.

If you're looking for movies with drug induced stupors causing weird shit to happen, rent 'Shrooms' - though not an instant classic, it's much more effective - and the acting doesn't suck.

Dead of Winter = really really bad.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Merry Christmas from the gang!

It's so hard to get everyone together for a group photo...

Friday, December 19, 2008


Read on the internet today that some woman in Wilkes-Barre, PA. tried to sell "Gothic Kittens" over the internet.

Guess they had piercings and what not.

You can read this crazy shit here.

*No mention was made if the kitty came with his own iPod filled with emo tunes from Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessional, etc...

Friday, December 12, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

No pulse whatsoever

Well, add another movie to the list of "OH.MY.GOD. why did I rent this?".... and say thank you out loud that I didn't purchase this.

To be honest, the 'Pulse' remake (2006) was pretty bad, so why I thought this would or could be better is beyond me. What a waste of time. I could have watched a repeat of City Confidential and been more entertained. Why on earth it is marketed as a Dimension Extreme movie is the real question. There was close to zero extreme moments. No blood or guts to speak of.

Here's my take on it: Dude and daughter are running from an internet ghost, which happens to be the girl's mother and the dude's ex. The End.

Don't rent this. I just can't even be bothered telling you any more about it. Suffice it to say the acting is hollow, the plot is non existent, and the special ghosty effects are like watching Land of the Lost.

I'm just doing my duty, warning you to avoid this at all costs. Actually worse than Prom Night 2 and Paranoid Park combined. Bad with a capital B.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

A few recent viewings

Seems I have been on hiatus from watching scary stuff these last few weeks. It's a busy time of the year for everyone, and seeing as how this is the silly season, I feel completely hurried and rushed all the time to get everything done for the holidays. This cuts into my horror habit and makes me cranky and unwilling to write.

I have, however, managed to watch a view films. (Besides seeing Twilight for the second time, that is...)

First, we have Immortality - a 1998 thriller (?) starring Jude Law.

With the Twilight book series coming to an end in August and the first book's movie adaptation, as well as HBO's vamp show, True Blood, it seems 2008 has been the year of the vampire.
I have forever been a fan of vampires, and so this strange obsession the world is having is old school to me. But it has brought a resurgence in my quest for new or unseen vamp action.

Immortality is a very different vampire film. Originally titled 'The Wisdom of Crocodiles' in its native Britian (there is a line in the movie that justifies this ridiculous title, but I can still see why they re-named it for American audiences), it tells the story of one Steven Grlscz (yep, no vowels, Vanna!).

Steven is, apparently, a vampire - but they never show his fangs, he walks around in the sunlight, he doesn't seem to have a problem with mirrors, etc. (Gee, kinda like Twilight now that I think about it). He does stalk women though, that much is true.

The beginning of the film establishes in no uncertain terms that any women that Steven gets close to seem to meet an untimely end. He does actually kill a woman onscreen - he violently bites her and 'apparently' drains her dead. This woman and he were in love, and that seems to be the real clincher for your damnation. You have to fall in love with Steven before he will kill you for your blood. He needs you to be IN LOVE with him so he can feed off that energy I guess. Like I said, a different take on the concept.

Steven then meets Anna, a strong willed and brilliant engineer, and cannot bring himself to end her life - he truly falls in love with her and feels that they are soul mates. But his internal hunger makes keeping her alive a real challenge for him.

All the while, Steven has a detective on his trail for the murder at the beginning of the film - in which he dumped the body out on a deserted watery causeway, which covers with the tide and makes hiding the body convienient. But Steven didn't cover his tracks as well as usual, and the detective and him form a rather strange bond throughout the investigation.

Jude Law is completely watchable in this brooding and eccentric movie. I find it difficult to call it horror - or classify it as a typical vampire film. There is little to no blood (save that one murder) and all the classic elements are non-existent. But there is a mysterious and psychological element that draws you in. I couldn't stop watching it and found it strangely intriguing.

Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) is a direct to DVD sequel to the highly entertaining original from 2001. Obviously there was no reason to make this movie other than to capitalize on the name.
Having said that, it wasn't the worst movie I've seen recently (that honor would go to the awful Paranoid Park, or maybe the Prom Night remake).

Joy Ride 2 is basically just your average 'death on the road' flick.

Melissa (Nicki Aycox) and her fiance Bobby (Nick Zano) are on their way to Vegas for a pre-wedding bash of some sort. Along for the ride is sister Kayla (Laura Jordan), who in turn meets up with her online crush, punker/goth wannabe Nik (Kyle Schmid) - who she is hoping to get to know better (and we all know how much better that will be)...

Along the way their car breaks down ( - get some new tricks, movie people!) - then they find an abandoned house (we're reaching stretching the boundaries of NEW here, eh?) and decide to break in (Hello?) and end up 'borrowing' the gorgeously restored '71 Chevelle in the garage (yeah, like that would happen).

While having a meal at a local diner, they get a phone call from the nefarious Rusty Nail (our truck-driving, gravelly voiced villian from the first film) who has Melissa's boyfriend (apparently abducted from the rest room) and he wants to make a deal.

The movie just plays out like a cat and mouse thriller with some blood and guts thrown in for good measure. But there was something about it I liked, I can't put my finger on it. I think the production was a bit higher in class than most Direct to DVD flicks. The acting was good, in my opinion - with horror veteran Aycox seemingly scraping near the bottom of the barrel for work lately.

All in all, not a bad 90 minutes, and worth a purchase out of the $5 bargain bin at WalMart perhaps.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

It's the holiday season...

I've gone off Christmas shopping for no other reason than to destroy my self confidence after looking at the crazy wealth walking around all the malls...
And they say there's a recession....
Be back soon.