Monday, October 20, 2014

Festival of Fear: Day 20: The List: Top Ten Most Annoying Kids In Horror

In stark contrast to the post I did on the Top Ten (Horror Kids) I'd Adopt is this particular post.  And while it may seem like I would choose kids like Damien or Esther, that's not what I'm talking about here.  What I mean is the children that annoy me, not necessarily the kid-villains.

These are kids that I'd kind of like to punch in the face.

Andy Barclay (Alex Vincent) from CHILD'S PLAY

I hate this kid.  I don't think there's a more whiny child in horror or perhaps any other genre. It would have suited me just fine if Chucky would have just offed Andy in the first reel.  He whined and whined until Mommy had to end up buying that damn Good Guy doll from a street bum and look where that got them!  He's stupid enough to take orders from a freaking doll and gets a couple of murder raps thrown at him, all the while assuring everyone that he and Chucky are friends till the end!!

Young Carlo (Jacopo Mariani) from DEEP RED
Carlo falls on this list due to his "deer in the headlights" look and his really bad knee socks and shoes. What kind of parent dresses a kid like that?  I don't care if it's Christmas.  I don't care if it's Italy and that's the fashion.  I don't care if it's 1975.  It's obvious it made the child a cold-blooded killer.  (Well, that and seeing his mother stab his father to death probably didn't help.)  But this kid, combined with that godforsaken lullaby....ugh.

Robbie Freehling (Oliver Robins) from POLTERGEIST
I can't really say why I dislike Robbie so damn much.  The kid just gets under my skin. I wanted that creepy-ass clown to kill him, I really did.  Actually I hated the whole damn family, with the exception of little Carol Anne of course.  Probably why Poltergeist has never made it high on any of my must-see lists.  Robbie is definitely the biggest reason though, and I really thought he'd bite it when the demon tree came through the window.  Alas, it was not meant to be.

 Tad Trenton (Danny Pintauro) from CUJO
 Oh really piss me off with your whining about your "monster words" and your relentless screaming in the car.   You're such a goober.  Oblivious to the fact that his mommy and daddy's marriage is on the rocks, all he cares about is making sure the monster under the bed or in the closet doesn't get him.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on the little chap, but when he starts that non-stop wailing in the car when his mom is trying to get him calmed down, I am just praying that the St. Bernard breaks through the glass. Sorry.

Anne Stewart (Alakina Mann)  from THE OTHERS
What a mouthy, disrespectful little brat!  She didn't need a time out, she needed an ass whooping.  Taken to drawing ghastly pictures of little kids and old women that don't really exist (or do they?) and smarting back to her mother at every turn, Anne is not the poster child for good behavior.  She makes fun of her little brother and teases him relentlessly.  She questions the Bible lessons her mother teaches her, refuses to eat,  and sneaks out of the house to run away.  Granted, her mother should have believed her when she said she saw ghosts....but this kid's rotten manners and lack of courtesy are unforgivable.

Ellie Creed (Blaze Berdahl) from PET SEMATARY
 Ellie Creed (Blaze Berdahl) from Pet Sematary. Another whining little girl I can't tolerate.  What makes it worse is that sadly, the young actress that portrays her just really wasn't that good.  She needs to take lessons from Alakina Mann (above, from The Others) who, while her character was very annoying, was an excellent little actress.  Here, we have Ellie gushing about Gage one minute then fake crying the next when he is run over on the road. Most awful was her nightmares when she "saw" the ghost of Victor Pascow.  Her wailing and stuttering was so fake - really tough to take.  What's worse - Berdahl had a twin that acted in the film as well, meaning there were TWO really poor actresses in the role. Ugh.

Aidan Keller (David Dorfman) from THE RING
 Sometimes, kids are just too creepy to like, as in the case of Aidan from The Ring and The Ring Two.  Far too wise for his years, Aidan takes care of his mother more than she does of him, and indicates the level of respect he has for her by calling her Rachel instead of Mom. He draws terrifying pictures at school and watches that ominous video tape, both throwing Mom into a panic. But he's at his most eerie when discussing Samara.  Aidan knows Samara is evil, and even though Mom and Dad solve the mystery and give her a proper burial, it's Aidan that knows that's not what Samara wants.  He knows she never sleeps. And the expression on his face is enough to send even the strongest-willed folks running.  He's no less creepy in the sequel, The Ring Two.  I just can't deal with this kid.  

Tommy Doyle (Brian Andrews)  from HALLOWEEN (1978)
 Tommy could not be more annoying - one of those little kids on the block that just can't stop talking:  Can we make popcorn? Can we make jack-o-lanterns? Can we watch monster movies?  Can we read comics? Etc, etc, etc!  He then incessantly runs around the house, screaming about the boogeyman coming to get them.  I realize he was right, but yelling and acting like an idiot is a recipe for disaster in a horror movie. Shut the hell up and go hide!  Ok, I did feel a little bad for the kid when those bullies made him fall and crack open his gigantic pumpkin, but other than that he can steer clear.  Grr!

Daeg Faerch (Michael Myers) of HALLOWEEN (2007)
While we're discussing Halloween, I couldn't resist mentioning this one. I don't like this kid.  He scares me.  I know that was what director Rob Zombie was going for, but wow. I know there is a great deal of controversy about this fresh take on the Halloween story, and let's face it - the original was scarier because that Michael looked completely harmless and innocent.  This devil's spawn looked like exactly like the type that would flatten your tires, cut your phone cord, and kill your dog just for spite.  This Michael grew up in a white-trash world with a stripper mom who thought he could do no wrong.  Everything about him screams mass murderer.  He killed animals for fun, for pete's sake, before he even thought to stab his sister. If I'm being completely honest - I hated this Michael.

Bob Boyle (Giovanni Frezzi) from THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY
  It's entirely possible that Giovanni Frezzi is the worst child actor of his generation.  And while I realize sometimes things are lost in translation in Italian horror movies, I don't think the language barrier is the reason that Bob is such a horrendous character.  Everything about his character is awful, even though the entire film winds around what happens to HIM.  He is essentially the lead character and yet...he's so bad it's almost funny. The dubbing on some versions is SO bad - Bob sounds like a little girl instead of a boy. Not that that would make a damn bit of difference.  If you have an affinity for "B" horror like I do, you can overlook the astoundingly bad acting in the film (because let's face it, it's not just Bob that sucks) and enjoy this Fulci classic.  But no one could ever force me to like Bob...just ain't gonna happen.


Michella Sarah (The Movie Starlet) said...

Ugh, thank you, i can't stand Ellie from Pet Semetary. Gage, however, is one of the most adorable kids i've ever seen (along with the chubby-faced little baby girl from the new film, Annabelle). I always feel horrible when watching Pet Semetary, because when Gage gets hit by the truck, i always think "oh, why couldn't it be Ellie?". It's awful, i know... but she's such a pain in the bum.

I love lists like this, though, they're always a hoot to read :)

Francisco Gonzalez said...

Agree about the kid from House by the Cemetary...the tone of his dubbed voice is so freaking irritating because you know its not really a kids voice, but an adult trying to sound like a kid....everytime he says "mommy" its like a thousand needles on my eyes.

Christine Hadden said...

Michella: Lists are a big part of the blog. I used to do a list for every day of October but it is SO difficult to put that much pressure on myself. So I do a list here and there. They are fun!

Francisco: I'm telling you, that voice is just GRATING. What you said was perfect - a thousand needles...EXACTLY.
Wonder what that kid is doing now? Because I'm sure it's not acting!

Undead Nicole said...

I agree on this whole list! Especially Bob... what an obnoxious little twit. I kind of thing poor old Dr. F from the cellar killed the whole annoying family in self-defense. Can you imagine having to listen to little Bob ALL THE TIME?

I'd add one more to the list - the creepy, Oedipal man-child from Burial Ground. *shudders*