Wednesday, November 5, 2008

One of those WTF? times in life...

Oh crap, I think I was supposed to like this.

striking a '300'-type pose...
As if.

'Jack Brooks, Monster Slayer' (2007) is really something... different.
I think, by reading many reviews on various sites (amazon, netflix, rotten tomatoes, etc.), that I am supposed to be enamoured with this satirical movie.
Well, sue me - I didn't care for it.

The only thing for me that remotely saved this film is the comedic and sometimes downright hysterical performance of horror veteran Robert Englund. I think he must have owed someone or been a relative of a producer or something - otherwise I cannot imagine why he chose to do this.

Robert Englund as Professor Crowley

Jack (Trevor Matthews) is a plumber in small town USA. He has serious anger management issues because when he was young, he saw his parents and little sister savagely murdered by some kind of bigfoot-el chupacabra-Jersey Devil-type of monster. Ever since then he has just been pissed. He sees a counselor but it just doesn't seem to be working.

"Jack" - our hero

His annoying girlfriend (so lousy in this role I can't remember her name) suggests he take a night class to calm his nerves. Why this would help I don't know. If I was always angry, sitting through a boring science class would only serve to make my head explode in even more anger.
But he goes.

His professor (Englund) catches him after class to ask for some help with a plumbing problem at his recently aquired home which he is renovating.
Of course this turns out to be the old house on the hill with the shady past and troubling secrets.

When the Professor Crowley unearths (literally, in his back yard) an ancient evil, all hell breaks loose. He slowly turns into a freakshow of a monster - culminating in him basically turning into Jabba the Hut with JAWS teeth right there in the classroom. Yes. Seriously.
I know this was all meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but I just couldn't take an interest in it no matter how hard I tried. It just fell flat for me. There was like, no action for a good hour into the thing.

While I can appreciate schlock movies as much as the next person, I just couldn't get into this snoozefest. It took way too long to get going, the acting was beyond bad (even if they were trying for camp they were failing), and the monsters were just plain silly and out of place.
This is even worse than a saturday in front of the tv watching a sci-fi monster movie marathon.
To me, funny is "Shaun of the Dead", ok?
I just kept thinking "man, this has got to get better"... but alas, it did not.

However...I acknowledge and and thankful for the lack of CGI in this movie. It is my understanding that the effects were practical and not dubbed in with computers. I am respectful of the hard work that was put into this motion picture. But for me, it was like a Disney movie gone wrong. Very wrong.
It was just sluggish, simple-minded and moronic.

save me from this bad movie!

No comments: