Monday, August 30, 2010

There's No Place Like Horror, Part 2: Horror's Most Undesirable Living Spaces

And so here you have it, the ying to the yang.
Just a few short weeks ago, both myself and the prolific and wonderous Kindertrauma posted our top ten horror homes we'd love to live in, and today we return to the same subject, minus all the happiness and glee.
We now bring you our top ten fear-inducing, crappy-ass places we'd NEVER hang our hat.


10) Jaws, The Orca - Terror on the high seas...
I'm sorry, but as much as I love the ocean, this is no place like home. Unconventional at best, The Orca still serves as much as a home as anywhere else.
But I, for one, won't be holing up in it telling tales of the Indianapolis - or being served up as a hot lunch. But let us remember, it's only an island if you look at it from the water. Um, no thanks.



9) Jeepers Creepers - The old cat lady's house...
While on the outside, it doesn't appear that odd, it just creeps me the hell out. All those cats! Don't get me wrong, I love cats - I own two. But with them slinking around in every window and jumping off the banisters, I cringe every time I watch this film. Let alone the weirdness of the old woman. But all I can really think is this: How would you ever get that cat shit smell out of that house?



8) Poltergeist - creepy urban nightmare...
Can I just say I hate this house? I don't like anything that screams early 80's suburbs, and this one takes the cake. And I absolutely hate garages placed in the front of a house. It's the first thing you see, and who wants to notice two blinding white doors shouting out at you. The fact that it is buried on an ancient Indian burial site is just icing on the cake. And lastly and most importantly, this is the house with that creepy effing clown doll in it. This is a big no-no house.



7) Evil Dead - where the woods are alive...
My hubby and I actually own a cabin in the woods that looks rather similar to this. That being said, we don't generally have to worry about Kandarian demons coming up from the gates of hell and attacking us. There is no bridge that we have to cross that is later rendered useless. We never hear disembodied voices asking us to join them. And I've never, ever had a problem with the trees, okay? So quite frankly, since I already own a similar cabin (without all the flaws and disadvantages) there's no reason to risk demonic possession. How about no...



6) The Abandoned - How about no effing way!...
Maybe many of you haven't seen this film, but it makes a lasting impression if for nothing else but this house. Deep in the Russian woods, with a bridge the only access in, this place just reeks atmosphere. Generally, I'd be all about an address like this - off by itself, inaccessible to pretty much everyone....but to be honest it just creeps me the hell out. It's insanely ominous, and all I can think of are those damn doppelgangers. Gah!



5) Alien - I'm afraid to fly anyway...
Where no one can hear you scream. Literally. Far from the beaten path, hell- far from any path, the Nostromo is certainly not a place where I would feel comfortable hanging my hat. Besides that whole far far away thing, there's the fact that everything is so starkly white up top and so darkly technical and sinister on the lower decks. You never know what might be lurking around the next corner. And since I actually know what is lurking, I'll take a pass.




4) The Blair Witch Project - NO. Just no.
Holy Jesus I'd never live here. While it might be kind of fun, in a Ghost Hunters kind of way, to come across this one deep in the woods and check it out - you probably wouldn't find me here after dark, and I'm not easily frightened. Those hand prints on the wall? That leaves the upstairs out, and I'd be scared to death to even venture into the basement. Nope, ain't gonna happen.



3) Wrong Turn - Hillbilly hell is not appealing...
Between this movie and Deliverance, I will never be comfortable in any of our nation's deep backwoods. And while I live only ninety minutes as the crow flies from the lovely state of West Virginia (where this film supposedly took place) and though I have yet to see anyone quite as...special... as the rednecks in this film, just the thought of the inside of their lovely abode, with its wretched bathroom facilities and foul collection of canned goods is enough to keep me off the back roads indefinitely.



2) Candyman - Cabrini-Green is just not my style...
This monstrosity of impoverished living is this high on the list for a reason. City living will never be me, and these housing projects in Chicago's North Side scare me silly. I've nothing against apartments, but if this place is as ghastly as is presented in the film Candyman, I've no desire to even look at it out of a car window. Besides the obvious gang violence hovering about, the insides of this beauty are just downright dreadful. There is just no way I'd set foot in this shithole.



1) Friday the 13th Part 2 - Just a nice little slice of real estate...
The home of Potato-sack Jason, I've always been terrified by this dilapidated old shack. And we all know the the 'living room' boasts a morbid altar of epic proportions that's just ahead of its time. (Bad pun, I know..) Not only can there not possibly be a bathroom of any kind, I'm gonna take a guess and say that the kitchen leaves a lot to be desired. Plus how would you heat this place? Gotta be big time drafty and uncomfortable. And let's face it, it is completely hideous, just like its owner.

So there you have my top no-no's as far as real estate choices within the horror genre. So pop on over to Kindertrauma to see Unk's choices for the places he wouldn't be caught dead in. Quite literally...

10 comments:

ajrisz said...

i suggest you to watch spanish horror 'espectro' and see one of the creepiest flats ever. i think that the hallway only could put this movie on your list. and there are some ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING paintings and tv which is connected to video cameras that shows all the places in the flat.

MissSardonicus said...

I have occasional nightmares that I'm going to end up like the cat lady in "Jeepers Creepers".

I can't believe you hate the Poltergeist house! You're right that it's the epitome of early 80's suburbia- but you say that like it's a BAD thing.

TheGirlWhoLovesHorror said...

Why does everyone say that the Poltergeist house was built on an Indian burial ground???? It was just a regular cemetery!

B-Movie Becky said...

Great choices. The house in The Abandoned is awesome yet incredibly creepy, so I'm on the fence with that one.

Definitely like the Friday the 13th Part 2 pick though! Everyone forgets about Jason's handiwork.

The Spooky Vegan said...

Wow, great picks and an ingenious post!

I'm with you on most of these, but #10 and #5 take the cake. The thought of being surrounded by all that nothingness freaks me the F out!

I would also say that any movie that takes place on a submarine or mostly below water, like The Abyss, would be high on my list of undesirable living spaces! The feeling of claustrophobia would just be too much for me!

Christine Hadden said...

Ajrisz: I will try to find the movie you recommended - I love foreign horror, and Spanish films always seem to be quite good. Thanks!

Miss Sardonicus: I'm really not fond of any houses that are typically from that era, honestly. I dislike split levels and split entry homes and much prefer a farmhouse that looks like it was built in 1905 but was perhaps built last year. I like old fashioned looking places with loads of character and nothing that looks too modern. But that's just me :)

TGWLH: My bad, I was probably just thinking of Pet Sematary or something like that. Either way, still not the best idea to leave the bodies and just move the headstones, am I right?

Becky: Ordinarily I'd be all about a well-removed, big ole house like that one in The Abandoned, but damn... there's just something about that one that wigs me out.

Sarah: Oh yes, I know what you mean. Anything on or under the water...creeps me out. I thought of the submarine from Below, or how about the underwater facilities of Deep Blue Sea, Leviathan, or Deep Star Six? Yikes!

Obviously awful as well would be the station on the moon in the movie (aptly titled) Moon. Alone for three years in space? No thanks!

Perhaps there needs to be a part 3 to this post...

TheGirlWhoLovesHorror said...

I didn't mean to sound angry... I've just seen that comment all over the place about Poltergeist and I don't know where it comes from - no Indian burial ground, just normal-people cemetery. But you're definitely right, still not a good idea to build a house over ANYBODY'S grave.

the jaded viewer said...

Has anybody ever been to the projects? A real inner city housing project? Its scary as shit and Carbini Green (which was actually real) was damn scary.

Too bad they tore it down...maybe thats not actually bad

kindertrauma said...

You've done it again Christine! I'm so glad you've got Cabrini Green up there. Just that name alone is scary to me.-Unk

James said...

Great post, Chris. I do enjoy your pieces about horror homes/living spaces!

There's just something so very odd and 'wrong' about the creepy cat-lady house in Jeepers Creepers, isn't there? Maybe it is just because that scene is so umpleasant? Either way, great choices!

I'm rather partial to Evil Dead cabins and Jason shacks, myself. :o)