Thursday, June 28, 2012

There's A Hair In My Mouth! Or, Why Vampires Make Better Boyfriends

With True Blood season 5 underway,  it’s been vampires 24/7 at my humble abode – which it generally is anyway but that’s beside the point. So I’ve come up with fourteen reasons vampires would make better boyfriends/husbands than werewolves…

Now of course in my head, the vampires are much more True Blood than Nosferatu, so do keep that in mind, folks.

Now that's gotta hurt!
1} Sure, either a vampire or a werewolf could kill you. But my thought is that I’d rather die with a couple holes in my neck and drained of blood than being ripped apart and eaten alive à la An American Werewolf in London. While vampires do have fairly scary fangs, werewolves have massive choppers that will rip you a new one within seconds. Not a fan.

 2} That whole full moon thing would get really annoying. I mean, what if the two of you were enjoying a nice family (evening) wedding -or god forbid funeral – and the urge comes a callin’ and he suddenly starts sprouting huge teeth and loads of hair. Bit harder to explain than “why does your boyfriend always look so pale?”

...and he dances, too.
3} Much cheaper date. Let’s say you’re paying for dinner. Vamps sit and watch you eat, fake-sipping that glass of wine, while a werewolf eats you out of house and home, ordering two of everything on the menu and looking like a wild refugee who hasn’t eaten in three days in the process. I hope to hell you’ve brought your Visa card.

4} Okay, the howling aspect. While I don’t mind a guy being vocal during sex, I’m thinking the baying at the moon with a deranged look in his eyes might be a bit distracting. But maybe that's just me...

5} Clothing. I’m a big fan of black. Not a big fan of torn clothes and no shoes – hard to keep your wardrobe in tact when you’re changing actual form. Give me an emo, enigmatic guy over a disheveled, other-side-of-the-tracks look anytime.

6} Dare I say the sunlight thing wouldn’t make a bit of difference to me. First off, I’m very much a night person, so the ‘up all night’ thing could be right up my alley. Besides, I’m a fairly independent person, and not having a man smothering me all day would be fantastic – leaves me time to myself. Lounge the day away undisturbed, catch a few winks, then spend quality time with the fanged wonder all night.

7} Supposedly, when a vampire bites you it can be utterly erotic if he allows it to be. Sounds good, right? When a werewolf bites you, it freakin’ hurts! That dude could rip off your arm, or worse! Plus the fact that he could be carrying rabies. So not cool. Vampires don’t spread disease. They’re dead, remember?

8} In my world, vampires don’t sparkle. Nor do they mope and whine. Then again, neither do werewolves. But they do tend to show those alpha personalities a bit too often. I hate when someone is always telling me what to do or feels they need to be in charge like Hitler. I’m independent, remember?

9} And I don’t like the “pack” thing. I’m an introverted loner myself, and finding someone like that is of the utmost importance. I’m not social, and prefer spending quiet evenings at home to partying till the dogs (literally) come home with a bunch of equally as annoying barkers. Hence, I choose vampires. Again.

“Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup…”
10} Werewolves don’t have very good control over their emotions, let alone their bodies. They’re always pulling an Incredible Hulk vs. Cujo when things get lunar. Vamps, on the other hand, are nothing but controlled emotions and mind control. Sounds good to me. At least if someone is telling me what to do, I won’t know any better cause I’ll be under the thrall.

11} The bat thing. If we are to believe vampires are able to turn into a bat – or a wolf, or whatever else legend has us thinking – that really wouldn’t bother me because I actually like bats – I know, one of the few. But those little suckers (pun intended) kill tons of mosquitoes every hour and I hate those itch-inducing leeches.

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about...
12} Wealth.  Vampires almost always have more dough than werewolves. They have centuries to make money, save money, squirrel it away in some mysterious castle for eternity...
Just think of the money they could make on the stock market these days!
Werewolves generally don't have two nickels to rub together. Why else would they be running around naked all the time, stealing old women's coats in the park when they wake up in a cage at the zoo? Bah!  That crap about money can't buy you love... so not true.

13} Immortality.  Werewolves are much more likely to get maimed, stabbed, shot, etc.  For some reason, vampires seem more stealthy. And besides, it's a well known fact that vamps live forever (provided they don't meet the sharp end of a stick) and weres can only go so long...a few hundred years at best.

 14} And lastly, can I just say I think vampires are sexier than werewolves? I just cannot get past the overgrown dog thing. Beastiality just ain’t my thing. All that damn hair!

I do, however, have one or two things to say about werewolves. 


...And TWO


Marie said...

You know Alcide is going is going to be in Magic Mike, riiiiight? Just saying... Oh and me and Eric Northman are married.

Christine Hadden said...

Oh yes...well aware of Manganiello's impending stripper role. Whoop!
You can have Eric. I like him heaps, but deep down, my heart belongs to Bill.