Sunday, October 7, 2012

OCTOBER 7: SEVEN AWFUL PROTAGONISTS

Generally, a protagonist in a horror film, like any other type of movie, is meant to carry the film and have us wishing that all turns out swimmingly for them.  However, there are some lead characters in horror films that are not only questionable as being the "hero", but you almost could care less if they make it or not.
Here are some of our picks for that category:

 CHARLEY BREWSTER. (FRIGHT NIGHT) I know you were trying to help the town out and all by getting rid of this vampire, but kids your age really should be more worried about getting laid. "YOU'RE SO COOL, BREWSTER!" ~MR


MARY REILLY. This movie itself is a total disaster, made even more horrific by the embarrassing miscasting of Julia Roberts in the titular character.  With John Malkovich chewing up scenery as Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde, there was little room for Roberts and her awful accent to make much of an impression.
So she didn't.  And to think this was almost directed by Polanski. ~CH


NANCY. (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET) That hair is just... awful. She is a downright unpleasant young lady.~MR / And I'm just going to add that she has to be the whiniest, coffee-addicted horror chick on the planet, with a boyfriend who was waaay to good for her. ~CH


HEATHER. (THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT) You dumb ass, this is all your fault! Some idea for a camping trip; I would have abandoned the mission when that crazy lady from town told me that the Blair Witch was a floating hairy woman. Jesus, what made you think it was okay to snot all over the camera! You are just the worst.~MR

 LESLIE DOYLE. (MORTUARY) As the widow with two kids and a questionable degree in mortuary science, this broad picks a dilapidated old funeral home with (literally) a whole graveyard of nasty secrets. She sucks at preparing bodies, but not nearly as badly as she does at parenting skills.  The house is crawling with a black mold, has an unspeakable history, and to top it off, Mom becomes infected by some kind of zombie goo and tries to kill her kids. Seriously an awful character - but not as bad as the film itself! ~CH


SOOKIE. I love me some TRUE BLOOD (it's a little unhealthy) but goddammit do I hate Sookie Stackhouse! Aaaalways has to make everything about her. Look, you already have every sexy ass man in the South panting after your fairy form, can't you just chill out? ~MR


JONATHAN HARKER:  As played by Keanu Reeves in BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA.  With a simply horrendous accent, Keanu was a massive fail in a role that is intended to be a hero of sorts, but in all honesty, wasn't the Count the real hero all along? ~CH

8 comments:

Bleeding Dead said...

Charley Brewster is the reason I don't care for either Fright Night. I'm not sure why it bothers me that he cares more about what the neighbors are doing than getting laid but it really does.

The list is great though, agree with them all except one.

Christine Hadden said...

BD: If I had to guess who you don't agree with, I'd say Sookie. But if you don't watch True Blood, then I would call Nancy....?

Chad Helder said...

Oh I really can't stand Charlie Brewster in the first Fright Night--so awful and whiney. Love Anton Yelchin, thought.

I can't agree about Blair Witch and NOES--love those heroes, but Mary Reilly made me want to stop watching movies altogether.

Thanks for the entertaining list.

Emily said...

Ha! I always feel the need to defend BWP's Heather, but I LOVE seeing Nancy on your list! I know she's supposed to be some horror fans' favorite final girl, but I just kind of want to slap her. Maybe it's because Lagenkamp went on to play Nancy Kerrigan in that TV movie...

Marie said...

I see a lot of people are disagreeing with me for having Heather on here. I think it was just because the whole situation got so frustrating (as it was supposed to be) and I am taking it out on her. But I do really HATE her snot scene. It has to be one of the most parodied scenes in horror history. I absolutely love the BWP, though!!!!

Bleeding Dead said...

Christine you got it the second time. I've always like Nancy as a final girl. Sookie now that's a different story. I was accepting towards Sookie the first season of True Blood but I felt she lost most her likable qualities come the later seasons.

Corey said...

How about Molly from Lovely Molly, she ruined the movie for me (kind of like all the annoying characters in VHS). How can you be vested in a film when your constantly wishing the main character would get punched?

How to Kill Black Mold said...

i always watch true blood... so i like sookie