Monday, October 29, 2012


Death is a given in horror films. But sometimes we're so taken aback by a death, or have immediately connected with a character only to watch them expire in front of our eyes. Or maybe they are just a little extra good-looking and we wish the best for them and they are cruelly snuffed out well before their time.  Well here is a list of some of our picks for victims that didn't deserve their nasty end.  We remember and lament you.

Glen Lantz (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
Ahh, Johnny. This is the saddest death in horror for me. First of all, young Glenn chooses Nancy for a girlfriend.  I don't get that one. Then he goes along with all her silly plans.  What does that get him? Dead.
Eaten alive by a Serta.

Alice Palmer (Lake Mungo)
Most of the movie we are waiting to see what happened to Alice.  Is she dead?  Is she missing? What happened to Alice? And while we might have thought she was probably dead throughout most of the movie, we're never really sure - even when her water-logged corpse is pulled from the lake. Is that really Alice? That was the best thing about Lake Mungo's excellence: Is she alive, dead, or otherwise?

Billy Harley (Pumpkinhead)
Let's talk unfair. Poor Billy Harley. He was devoted to his dad Ed and was just going about his business with his dog when that group of idiotic twits had to show up with their dirt bikes and things go sour.  First they make fun of him, then the lead asshole had to run him over with the dirt bike.
They deserved everything they got, those rat bastards.

Crazy Ralph (Friday the 13th, Part 2)
Who's doomed now?  Ol' Ralphie should have minded his own business.  Because what do you get when you go poking around where you don't belong?  You get a chain around your neck. I mean, here's a dude that could have avoided death by just staying the hell away from Crystal Lake and not interfering with the lives of the campers that Jason was pissed at in the first place. The old coot had really no clue.

Ben (Night of the Living Dead)
This is probably the most distressing death on this list. After everything he'd been through, he holes up in the basement, last man standing, and waits it out. In the morning, when most horror films are wrapping things up with their final girl/guy - having them move on from the tremendous horror they've been through..and what do we get?  Ben steps outside to see if the nightmare is over and BAM. Shot in the head. Dead.

Brett  (Alien)
- You just had to go looking for the Jonesey, didn't you?  Only thing is, the cat was smarter than you and knew when to hide. What did you actually find?
All Hail The Queen.

Michael (Dawn of the Dead, 2004)
This one was tough to take.  After all the decision-making and good calls that nice-guy Michael made, to be snuffed out in the final reel is just unforgivable.  But then again, it's not like the rest of the survivors got very far afterward.  Maybe death by his own hand was preferable.

Martha Spruce (Creepshow 2)
I could just as easily have put Ray Spruce here, as I was fairly devastated when that asshole shot them dead in the "Old Chief Woodenhead" segment. That poor elderly couple had no chance when that trifecta of lowlifes entered their store demanding the Indian tribe's jewelry. At first I thought they'd be okay, but then Sam kills them outright and makes off with the goods. Thankfully the ol' Chief avenges their wrongful deaths. But wow, it really bothered me. Maybe because they reminded me of my grandparents.

Joseph (Children of the Corn)
- Poor Joseph - he was running away to get the hell out of that freak show that Issac was conducting, but instead  he got massacred in the cornfield (by Malachai, no doubt) and he wandered out into the road and got run over by a car.

Beth (The Descent)
After Juno left her for dead after accidentally sticking a pick axe through her neck, poor Beth had to beg her BFF Sarah to put her out of her misery - after making sure Sarah knew what a backstabber Juno was by cheating with Sarah's hubby.  In the end, Sarah did comply, bashing in Beth's head to save her from a fate worse than death - being eaten alive by crawlers.

Dick Hallorann (The Shining)
This ice cream-lovin', naked art-appreciating, psychically gifted cook was only trying to warn young Danny and his terrified mother against the quickly deteriorating mental status of one Jack Torrence when he took one right to the chest. An axe, that is. A simple, dramatic death.

Mark (Friday the 13th, part 2)
When it comes to playing favorites, there's no such thing for Jason Voorhees.  He doesn't care if you're handicapped. You're just as likely to die as the captain of the football team or that chick who has slept with the entire team.  Too bad for Mark, though.  He was just about to get laid when his number came up and his wheelchair went down.

Jack Goodman (An American Werewolf in London)
Even though Jack was savagely attacked and killed by a nasty werewolf, he didn't really go away, did he?  Plagued with sightings of Jack's mangled corpse, David is forced to realize that he has become one of the very creatures that killed his friend on the moors. But Jack was wonderful comic relief in this film, so it's almost like he didn't die...

Doug (The Grudge)
Yes, I have a soft spot in my horror heart for fine looking gentlemen, and I hate it when they are used as fodder for killers. Even long-haired creepy ghost girls. Boo. In all honesty, Doug was one stellar boyfriend to Sarah Michelle Gellar's Karen.  He was devoted and had nothing but her best interests as heart the entire film.  Most boyfriends are low-lifes who are too busy trying to get under a cheerleaders skirt than actually paying attention to the needs of their significant others. So what does the good guy get? Snuffed out by Kayako.

Thomas (Let me in)
While I prefer the Swedish predecessor, this film has incredible casting and I really fought off tears at the death of Thomas.  Abby's father figure who was most obviously with her for fifty years or so, he finally deduced that Abby was schooling a younger substitute into his place, he was emotionally devastated. Richard Jenkins (whom I adore in anything) brought heart and believability to this version of the beautiful vampire love story, and it hurt when he sacrificed himself so Abby will not be discovered as the monster she is.

Lucy (Bram Stoker's Dracula)
Even though we knew it was coming eventually, I was sad to see Lucy go, as Frost was excellent in the role of Mina's best friend who has a penchant for having wild sex with wild beasts in a driving storm.  She was exactly the kind of girl that the Count sets his eyes on.

Eric (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)
Here's all I'm gonna say:  People as beautiful as Matt Bomer should not die in horror movies.  The same could be said for Johnny Depp in NOES.  It just isn't right. Especially in this case, in which Eric was suffocated with plastic to the point of death, then killed with a chainsaw, dismembered and lastly, has his face sliced off for Leatherface's own personal use.  Really an over-the-top death, if I'm keeping it real, here.

Mabel (My Bloody Valentine)
- Aww, why'd ya have to go and off the old lady?  What did she ever do to you, Harry Warden?  So she's a romantic - it's a rare thing these days.  But you just couldn't keep your pick axe to yourself, you wretched old miner.  And then you stuff her in a clothes dryer?  Cruel, dude.  Just cruel.

Sarah (Inside)
We had to wait till the last moments of the film, but in truth I didn't think it was really going to happen.  Sarah dies an unforgivably painful death when La Femme performs a crude C-section, causing Sarah to bleed out like a stuffed pig.  It's horrific, disturbing, and again - I just didn't think she'd die.  It was an extremely meaningful death. By that I mean it affected me like most horror films never manage to do.  Everything Sarah went through, all that she did to rectify her situation and try to escape with her life was for naught.  In the end, she had everything taken from her. Including her life.

Alice (Friday the 13th, Part 2)
The Friday series, despite its sometime absurduty, does manage to make you feel sympathy for its characters in some instances. This is one of them. Alice, the final girl and semi-quasy heroine of part 1, gets an ice pick through the temple from our first run-in with Jason Voorhees. A mother's death is hard on a child. Some more than others. Hence, Alice had to pay for offing Pamela.

Jud Crandall (Pet Sematary)
You know, Jud was really asking for it by introducing Louis to the power of the Micmac indians' burial ground.  Things never EVER end well when you start messing around with indian burial grounds.  Little Gage just wanted to play a game. Too bad it was with a scalpel.

Edward "Evil" Thompson (Fright Night)
Marie has some kind of affinity for Evil Ed, and though I was secretly happy when he kicked it and stopped laughing that hideous cackle, we're including him here because I feel a lot of people stand on Marie's side and like the little twirp. can be said that Evil didn't really die, right?  It never does.

Ismael Cruz  (Halloween, 2007) 
Where was Machete when you need him?  Seriously, it was a real punch in the gut when Michael killed the only person that had truly cared for him inside the hospital. Just when you think Michael has developed some kind of depth of feeling, he slaughters someone like Ismael and you realize - Michael will never, EVER have a conscious.

Amy (The Walking Dead, TV)
The Walking Dead is a phenomenon, no doubt. It's bringing in audiences by the millions. And it's for things like this - the death of someone important or beloved on the show. Amy was Andrea's younger sister, and when the camp was surprised with a walker ambush, Amy was bitten and killed.  But even worse was when Andrea had to take her out yet again when she came back as a walker. Nasty.

Guy (Wind Chill)
All that time, in the car....we were rooting for you, dude.  Why didn't you tell Girl that you were having bloody urine?  Not that she could have really done anything more, but maybe she'd have shimmied up that telephone pole a little sooner.  Alas, doomed to wander that desolate winter road for all eternity. And the poor dude never had a name. Just Guy.

Annie  (The Birds)
Annie Hayworth (Suzanne Pleshette). (THE BIRDS) - Not only did she lose her leading man to Melanie (do you think Tippi Hendren's character was named Melanie due to her daughter?), but she got stuck teaching a school full of kids who can't sing and then gets killed by a bunch of birds who are quite possibly a sign of the apocalypse.  What next??

Dan Walker (Frozen)
Killing off Kevin Zegers was probably inevitable. There were only three characters in the film, so a few of them were bound to go.  But Dan didn't die by freezing to death, he jumps out of the ski lift to try to save the day and instead he endures a compound fracture and then gets eaten alive by wolves. Gah!

Mathias (The Ruins)
Yeah, the dude that got his legs cut off.  Then died anyway.  I really couldn't relate to any of the characters in this film except Mathias.  He was the only one I actually gave two shits about.  The girls ( in particular Jena Malone's awful character) were obnoxious, the guys forgettable. But poor Mathias just wanted to find his lost brother. Plus, Anderson is British, and I hate when they kill off the English.

Marion Crane (Psycho)
It's pretty hard for me to leave her off this list, even though I tend to find something from Psycho for so many of my lists! What can I say, I love the film.  But with Marion, not only was it a total surprise, but it was really hard not to feel bad for her. Everyone has done stupid things in their lifetime, but when she stole that money and ran, it set off a chain of events that ended with her in the shower, screaming.

No comments: