Monday, June 2, 2008

A Walk in the Woods...

'Wrong Turn' plus 'The Hills Have Eyes' minus 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' divided by 'Friday the 13th' = Timber Falls.

You've seen this all before. But there is a slight twist.

Timber Falls is one of those movies where you find yourself saying - several times - what the hell?? Stupid decisions are made several times in various situations in which I just KNOW I would be smarter. Don't these characters ever actually watch a horror movie?

I wish I had a buck for every time I am watching a horror movie and I question the actions of the main characters. Over and over and over........

That being said, I actually didn't mind this film, it wasn't altogether bad.

Mike and Sheryl are a young couple who decide there aren't any good hiking spots in their native Virginia (Skyline Drive, Blue Ridge Parkway anyone?) so they head to the mountains of West Virginia to spend a romantic weekend camping off the trails. They are told at the ranger station to stick to the less vigorous paths because they are not that experienced. He tells them of two trails they can easily access to the summit and to camping locations. He reminds them to watch out for the local families scattered along the way. They won't bother you if you stay off their property and mind your own business.
(Here's where the stupidity begins, folks. Wouldn't you just stick to those trails? After the "locals" warning I might head back to Virginia right then) Mistake number 1.

When heading out from the ranger station they run into an apparent local- a woman who seems harmless enough, friendly even - who tells them the 'Timber Falls' trail is great - a beautiful waterfall and scenic vistas. Oh yes!, they blubber, that sounds great. It's like when someone decides to get off the main highway and take that old dusty beaten-down cowpath of a road leading through the woods instead. Seriously!
Anyway, mistake number 2.

On that path, they break out the camera when they spot some grazing deer, and this apparently makes them feel quite amorous, as they decide to have sex, right there in the flora & fauna.
Mistake number 3. Never had poison ivy? How about on your backside?

While in the throes of passion they are stumbled upon by three rednecks, toting shotguns and a whole lot of attitude. They do the obligatory hootin' & hollerin' about Sheryl's nakedness and then proceed to make Mike buy a quart of their homemade moonshine for fifty bucks. To get rid of them, he obliges and they all move on.
Sheryl then feels, for some reason unknown to sanity, that Mike shouldn't keep the gun that he has in his backpack. She begs him to get rid of it because she thinks he might fly off the handle and end up shooting someone. (Guess she never thought about the damn wild animals such as bears or cougars.... just crazy locals - for which he actually SHOULD keep the gun! Crazy bitch.) Anyhoo, Mike doesn't want to pitch the revolver, but he ditches the bullets. Mistake number 4.

They then run into a random ranger who tells them of a great clearing by a lake that they can spend the night. And they still are not in the least bit suspicious. Mistake number 5.

Things go ok that night (with more sex as well as a horrible campfire meal and some fighting about not being married yet) but in the a.m., Sheryl puts on her 'you've lost your freakin' mind' shoes and heads to the lake for a swim in the buff. Do I really need to say this is another mistake? Guess I'd lose count if I continued with that tally. I'm assuming Sheryl never saw Friday the 13th.

Needless to say, there is more in the woods than a few shady locals. Sheryl is then kidnapped by someone looking alot like Jason Voorhees without the mask. Mike awakens and cannot find Sheryl so while running around looking for her he not only impales his arm on a branch, he falls into a bear trap that messes up his leg.
But never fear, the happy local who told them about the trail in the first place appears. She takes him back to her place and from then on, it is like Wrong Turn on religious steriods. Seems Ida (local woman) and her hubby (the ranger encountered along the way) are looney religious freaks who are using young couples to try to conceive a child. Ida is barren, and from all the jars of fetuses in the basement, she's been trying for a long time.

Add to that mix Ida's brother - freaky disformed kidnapper Deacon Voorhees (kidding) - he's hot to trot for the female victims - and you have a truly messed up situation.

The couple's attempts to escape are what follows - after a impromtu wedding performed by Mr. Forest Ranger (can't have our couple consumating before marriage!)...

Mike and Sheryl do so many stupid things all through this movie, but at least at the end they do get it right.

There is a little jump scare final ending that is entirely ridiculous, implausable, and just begs for a sequel (please, noooooo!) but all in all, this little direct-to-dvd B movie will pass a few hours in a satisfactory manner. Just don't expect much and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

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