Vampires for the under 21 crowd...

Ahhh.... if only I were sixteen again.
I do realize I'm a complete screwball for vampires, I really do.

I pretty much like everything offered in the genre, which is why I will most certainly check out the new CW show - The Vampire Diaries. Even though it's directed toward the younger crowd and I'm in my forties. Yeah, I don't want to grow up. So sue me.

I have read the books by L.J. Smith - which the series is based on - and I actually have plans to write a bit about both these books and another little cadre of books you may have heard of - the Twilight series.

But for now, I will reserve judgement on the tv series until I've seen a few episodes. The books themselves are good, with interesting characters, and I think it's possible that the CW has casted the new show appropriately.

The stars of The Vampire Diaries: (Nina Dobrev as Elena, Ian Somerhalder as Damon, and Paul Wesley as Stefan)

It is my understanding that there were a few changes made for the series, the least of which is the noticeably different look of Elena. In the book she was a blonde haired, blue-eyed egotistical bitch. Obviously the lead in the tv show is a dark eyed brunette, but we'll have to see if she still has the same uppity swagger about her.

Truth be told, I didn't really like the character of Elena in the book.

Written by 'Scream' and 'Dawson's Creek' creator Kevin Williamson, it's bound to have witty dialogue and up-to-date awareness, as Williamson was fairly famous for having his finger on the pulse of the teenage scene. It is said that the feel of the show is much more "Buffy" than "Twilight". There are bound to be inevitable comparisons, particularly because the Twilight hype is going to increase even more than now (is that even possible?) when 'New Moon' hits theaters in November.

But I'm willing to give it a shot.
And like I said, if I was sixteen - I'd be all over this show like flies on shit. Those vampire dudes are scorching hot..

And I miss Boone. (Somerhalder played the ill-fated character on LOST).

I have a feeling this show will be the next big thing. Vampires are so trendy right now.

Last House of Irony

Whomever does NOT know that this movie is a re-make of the 1972 Wes Craven 'classic' should absolutely stop here. You should not even be on this blog, so perhaps it's time for you to go back to your endless surfing and leave us horror fans alone.



The Last House on the Left is yet another Hollywood snazzed-up remake. In this day and age of "why can't anyone think of anything original?" we are bombarded with updates and re-imaginings... will it ever end? Do I even want it to?
I pretty much like 80-85 percent of horror movies that I see, so bear with me if you hated this movie.

Much as I dislike unoriginal ideas, I will fess up to actually liking this movie.
When I put it in the DVD player, I kind of removed myself from the memory of the original, difficult as it was.

If Craven's '72 version had never been made, this movie could decidedly stand on its own.
Matter of fact, it would work well.
And it does.

That being said - it is a ruthless, brutal, and unforgiving movie - not for the faint of heart, or the not already desensitized horror fan.
Still sitting in the prominent producer's seat is Wes Craven himself, with son Jonathan along for the ride as well. Craven tapped Dennis Iliadis as director.

Starts out with Mari and her parents heading up to their secluded summer house. There's been a tragedy in the family - brother Ben has been killed in an accident about a year ago, apparently there at the retreat, so everyone seems on nostalgic pins and needles when they arrive.
Soon though, they are in the groove and Mari cons the car keys out of the folks (mom quite reluctant, dad giving in easily) so she can go to town to meet up with her friend Paige.

In the stupidest part of the movie, the girls make friends with a young stranger who has come into the store where Paige works. He offers to give them some weed in exchange for them overlooking his age so he can buy cigarettes. How assinine is that? Why would you even want ciggies if you had marijuana back at the ranch? Whatever.
Paige sells him the smokes then the girls both take off with smoke boy in tow. (Apparently Paige's boss doesn't care that she leaves the store unattended while they go get high!)

Back at the seedy motel, Justin (smoke boy) and the girls are having a grand ole time making merry with the wacky weed....until Justin's dad, uncle and the dad's girlfriend (Garrett Dillahunt, Aaron Paul, and Riki Lindhome) come back.
In a few moments time near the beginning of the flick, you have been shown that Justin's dad, Krug, is a killer. He is under arrest and being transported somewhere when his brother (Francis) and lover (Sadie) show up and wreck into the police car, breaking him out and making a bloody mess of the officers. So you know, when this group comes back to the motel, things aren't going to end well.

The girls find out just who these three are and the criminals know they can't let the girls get away. So they are driving (why they don't just shoot the girls in the motel and be done with it is beyond me - would've made the movie about 75 minutes shorter though...) out of town and Mari, being brave, thinks she can make a break for it by burning the girlfriend with a cigarette lighter. I'm thinking that wasn't her best idea, but hey..

Naturally that plan backfires big time and she jumps out of the car, making a mad dash into the woods - where the nasties of the original film took place.
Same goes here.

Both girls are violently attacked, demoralized and brutalized. Given the choice of watching the Theatrical Version or the Unrated Version, nine times out of ten I'm gonna pick the Unrated one, and this time was no exception.
If I ever purchase this movie, I want to watch the Theatrical version to compare exactly how much of this utter debauchery was show in the theater.
I've seen the movie Irreversible, and the rape scene in that movie is just about unwatchable. This clearly comes in a hard second. Poor Mari is brutally raped face down in the dirt and the camera never really breaks away. Your heart really breaks because unlike the character in Irreversible, Mari is more than likely a virgin - not that rape should be condoned in any case, but I'm just saying...



Mari's friend Paige has been stabbed repeatedly and left for dead. (Which is exactly what happened, I'm sure). No one is disemboweled though, as in the original - and I waited for it.
Mari is able to actually get away (though how she managed it after such an assault is beyond me) and dives into the river. Her rapist shoots several times into the water as she swims away - finally hitting her in the upper back of her shoulder. She is seen floating away and you pretty much assume she's dead.
I, however, never take anything for granted. I've seen too much.

The storyline of the original has the fugitives knocking on the door of their victim's parent's house.
And so does this one.
In probably one of the most ironic and implausible plot devices in cinematic history, Mari's parents (Emma and John, played quite well by Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn) welcome the pathetic looking losers into their home, fixing their injuries (ones that their daughter and her friend in fact inflicted) and giving them a warm bed for the night.



Would you seriously do this?
In the original, none of the foursome looked even remotely normal, so in essence it does seem a bit more reasonable that in this remake they would let them in. And it's storming to beat the band as well. Lights and phones are out, making it impossible to call for assistance. Or for the criminals to see the photos of Mari on the fridge door. Also helping the credibility is the fact that Mari has taken their only vehicle, so they have no car to either take the four somewhere else or to go for help themselves.

But inevitably, due to the fact that poor Justin is riding a guilt trip like a surfer rides the waves in Hawaii, the truth comes out. Justin leaves Mari's necklace - which she lost during her attack - in the kitchen in plain view so Emma can see it.
And when everyone has bed down for the evening (the four interlopers staying in the 'guest house'), John finds a badly wounded Mari outside on the porch.
Naturally - in an "oh of course" moment - John is a doctor, so he is able to cauterize the wound and stop the bleeding. Oh, and put in a makeshift chest tube to drain blood from her lung. Oy.
Anyway...

Once John and Emma discover the reality - and gravity - of the ironic situation, it becomes a total tale of revenge and retribution.



And that's where it gets gory.
I won't go into all the gruesome details - because I think everyone should check it out for themselves. Suffice it to say, the bad guys get their due.
The only thing I seriously missed from the original was the mom performing her own kind of oral justice on the bad guy's man bits. Craven had a nasty streak back in '72 I guess. Maybe he's losing his edge.

There are many points of continuity between the original and the remake.
The smoking of the weed, the necklace, the stabbing and rape, Mari getting shot and floating on top of the lake, the son's anguish and regret, and of course the convicts coming to her parents house. But they have updated it for today's times, and to be honest - it works.

And in the end, it's microwave popcorn for everyone.
Okay....maybe not everyone.

Clarification

Just an FYI for the curious.

No, my bloodthirsty friends, this picture is NOT photoshopped:



It's a still from sunday night's episode (season 2, ep 9 - "I will rise up") of True Blood.
And yes, it is Eric and Sookie in bed.
Great episode. One of the must-sees of the season.

So when I posted the above picture in a True Blood list yesterday, the questions I got from friends, family and bloggers alike regarding whether or not it is a real pic just gave me justification to post it again.
Because it makes my whole week to see it. Yee-freakin'-ha!

Help me, I think I'm switching to Team Eric....

True Blood: Sundays at 9 on HBO

10 Reasons why you should be watching True Blood

Okay... I'm just sayin'...

If you're not watching True Blood by now, you're missing out.

Either you don't have HBO (get it, you cheap sumbitch!), you're sick of the relentless vampire trend, or you have an odd aversion to anything that is virally popular right now.

In any case, here are ten reasons to jump on the bandwagon and watch this insanely addictive, well-casted, campy vamp-fest.

1) Sam Merlotte - Not that he really had it any easier last year, but this year in Season 2 - Sam has been put through the wringer and hung out to dry.

He almost always has this incredulous look on his face:


Sam Trammell as Sam (how convienient).

Poor guy has been accused of murder a few times already this year, been chased by a crazy bitch with a bull's head over her head (yep!), and got involved with no less than three women - one of whom had her heart cut out of her chest, one who left him for one of the undead, and the last of whom left him after her voodoo exorcism - that he incidentally paid for.

Oh, and people are always dying at his bar. Nice.

2) Lafayette Reynolds - what a freakin' hoot.

Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette

Last year he served up an AIDS burger with a side of shut the F**k up to a belligerent patron at Merlottes, where he is a cook. He also prostituted himself, sold illegal vampire blood, and ran an online porn site. This year's been tougher yet. He was kidnapped and tortured by vampires in a basement dungeon and basically sold his soul for his release.

Always lively, he steals every scene he's in.

3) Godric

Allan Hyde as Godric (with doomed friend)

The 2000+ year old vamp - the maker of one of the main characters - came to realize vampires have made no progress in getting in touch with their humanity.

He's in touch with his, though.... as long as you don't piss him off.

4) Jessica and Hoyt.

Deborah Ann Woll and Jim Parrack

Turned vampire against her will, Jessica was just looking for someone to care about when she met Hoyt.

Annoyed at last by his controlling, overbearing mama, Hoyt is proud to have Jess as his 'first'...over and over again.

They provide alot of the shows comic relief - but their storyline is sweet and unexpected.

5) That Maryann is a freakin' lunatic.

Michelle Forbes as Maryann (with Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur)

The problem in Bon Temps right about now isn't vampires...

No no... it's the resident nutjob who is making everyone's eyes go all X-Files-like.

the ill-fated Daphne falls under Maryann's spell

Black eyes lead the way to complete and utter chaos. There have been no less than three orgies this season so far.. maybe more, I've lost count. And not only are people having ridiculous amounts of uninhibited sex, they're doing things like eating dirt and being gluttons at the buffet.

Maryann has brought true anarchy to town.

Fun.

6) A side-note on the Maryann story is Eggs (as in Benedict) and Tara.

Mehcad Brooks and Rutina Wesley

Tara is lead character Sookie's best friend. When Maryann showed up the end of last season, so did Eggs. And Tara has been under both their influences ever since.

A side note of the side note: Eggs has the best six pack I may have ever seen. Whoa.

7) Speaking of fine looking forms:

Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse

Do I need to say more?
Okay. I will.

Jason isn't the brightest crayon in the box, that's for sure. Last year he was accused of murder practically the entire season. This year he got all wrapped up in the semi-quasi cult - the vampire hating 'Fellowship of the Sun' (which in itself was a humorous side plot!)

No sense being stupid 'less you show it.

And thank goodness he shows it.

8) And now for the vampires. Cause that's really where the BLOOD in True Blood comes from, right?

Stephen Moyer as Bill Compton

Yeah, I know there are alot of Team Eric fans out there, but truth be told, I read the books first - and as much as I grew to love the character of Eric, I still was on Team Bill.

The dark-haired, blue-eyed brooding vamp is hard not to like.

And Moyer plays the character with so many layers.

Bill is a true southern gentleman. When he's not exacting revenge on someone for hurting Sookie.

Moyer with Anna Paquin (Sookie Stackhouse)

As Sookie's first serious boyfriend, he is very protective of her. He is much more in touch with his humanity than most vamps, but as we've seen this season, that certainly wasn't always the case.

9) Eric Northman


Alexander Skarsgård as Eric

Eric's part has been increasing and amping up alot this year, in particular these last several episodes. 'Sheriff' of Area 5, this thousand year old former Viking runs the vampire hot-spot Fangtasia - but as of late has been making a play for Sookie.

He enjoys the bantering he incurs with Bill when he gets in between him and Sookie. He is completely crass, beyond arrogant, and totally domineering - but we've seen in the last few shows that it is possible Eric does indeed, still have a touch of humanity left.

Anyone who's read the books knows what's coming and it can only be assumed that Eric's part will continue to grow.

(That could be construed in two ways. Get my drift?)

Now if THAT pic doesn't make me want to switch over to Team Eric, nothing will.

10) Alan Ball, True Blood's creator... I mean, this is the man that brought you American Beauty and Six Feet Under.

The man continues to produce a stellar and impressive body of work, and True Blood is no exception. The witty writing, notable set designs, inspired casting, and flat-out superior production are all parts of his brain child.

Sure, Charlaine Harris gave him a helluva body of work to procure from, but he's turned it into one of the more memorable shows of this decade. And one of the best genre shows of our time.

Of course that's only one over-hyped fan's opinion ;)

Duct tape can do anything!

What we have here is a little sci-fi flick that comes to us from the director of The Blair Witch Project.



I have to admit to having this movie in my Netflix queue for maybe two years. It's always hovered near the top, but I persistently seemed to move other movies ahead of it, figuring to save it for when I was desperate.
Well, since apparently Netflix has a hard on about sending me Gran Torino (on my list for weeks at number one cause the hubby was desperate to see it) and Last House on the Left remake isn't due till next week... Altered finally made its way to my mailbox.

By the time it arrived here I'd already read dozens of reviews on it, most of which seemed quite positive, so I went in thinking I was in for at least a semi-pleasant experience.
And truth be told, it wasn't too bad.
However...

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't think this was the best - or even most original - sci-fi I've ever seen. Far from it.
It starts out with three redneck-type dudes chasing "something" through the backwoods until by luck or fate they succeed in capturing their prey. Which, it turns out, is a freakin' alien. Right down to its grey-green praying mantis vs. 'The Fly' vs a vagina-resembling head. (Haven't we seen enough aliens of this sort already?)

Anyway, they hog tie this creature and truck it back to a fourth guy's big ass garage. Because nothing is ever explained properly, you are left to guess what the hell the backstory is on these characters.
As you finally figure out - through convoluted dialogue and much shouting - these four friends were taken by aliens fifteen years ago. There were originally five that were kidnapped, but apparently one of them (the brother of the most annoying guy) didn't make it back.

The character of Wyatt (owner of the garage and the guy the aliens kept the longest) had some kind of device implanted in his side so the aliens could keep track of him. He keeps the reminder in a jar. Lovely. What a cool conversation starter. {"Hey, have I shown you my implant? And let me tell you about my probe!"}
He shows the other guys his scar (as if they wouldn't have known about it before) and I just kept wondering... are we supposed to believe this dude cut into his side and removed that implant all by himself? The scar was like twelve inches long and ran down the entire side of his abdomen. Obviously a doctor would have had a few questions that if answered, would have sent Wyatt up to the asylum on the hill for a long stretch.

So for some reason these hillbillies have been searching for the last several years to find and abduct an alien of their own. Why they think this is a good idea is beyond me. I mean, what are they actually planning? Torture? Revenge? Killing one lone alien doesn't seem like it would do anything but piss all the other ones off. Which is exactly what they start to panic about, once they have the non-human visitor strapped down to a table in said garage.
So the whole basis of the movie is the fear and hysteria that ensues after they realize they don't really know what to do with the creature.

Naturally the alien escapes it's constraints (the formidable and awe-inspiring duct tape!) - a few times in fact - and proceeds to exact its own revenge on its captors. When it attacks, it does so with great fervor, and the results are fairly gory. By far the best part of the film.
There are some gruesome effects - including the best intestinal disembowelment I've seen since 'Dog Soldiers'! - and there does seem to be a growing sense of dread in the frenzy of the last half of the movie.

But in my mind, we're not seeing much new here. It is an interesting concept, the humans trying to retaliate for the torture and death of one of their own - but the subsequent counterplay by the alien makes it seem more of a cat and mouse than an outright alien feature.

I will admit the acting was fairly decent (in particular the main character of Wyatt, played by Adam Kaufman). They all had the country boy thing down pretty good. Michael C. Williams (of Blair Witch fame of course) was also good as 'Otis' - which is a pretty stereotypical redneck name, is it not? Might not have been as impressive if the lead characters names were Wadsworth, Chalmer, Kip and/or Holden.

Generally, sci-fi doesn't scare me. At all.
I was a tremendous X-Files fan, though. So I've seen good sci-fi done well. This movie seemed a bit like a low-budget (which it was) X-Files rip-off.
I still think 'Alien' was the best sci-fi pic ever, with the remake of 'The Thing' coming in second (though that could be construed more as horror I suppose).
This movie isn't even close to that. Nowhere near. But I got through it and didn't turn it off - though the last few minutes had me really debating doing just that.

*And for the merely curious? I ended up borrowing Gran Torino from a friend and it was everything I thought it would be. Eastwood still rocks.

A Horror Western? Really?

I hadn't seen a good period horror film in many moons when I added 'The Burrowers' to my Netflix queue.



I had read really good reviews via Fangoria regarding this movie, and so was a bit anxious to see it.
Westerns are not my genre. At all.
It's not that I won't watch them- I've seen my fair share of old John Wayne and Clint Eastwood westerns (who hasn't, really?) - but besides my love for the horses I wasn't exactly a fan.

And I've seen (and liked) recent fare such as Appaloosa and 3:10 to Yuma. The hubby likes a good western, so since I practically force him to watch all my scream-fests (some of which are really crap, truth be told) - I sit through his penchant for bad (read: stupid) comedies, pointless action films (some of which I really enjoy), and attempts at making the western genre shine again.

So it was actually a shame that I sat alone in my living room to watch 'The Burrowers', cause I think hubby would have appreciated it.
I'll wait for the $5.00 bargain bin at Wal-Mart to pick this one up - and that's not because it was bad. On the contrary, it just means I'm cheap.

The Burrowers, set in the Dakota Territories in 1879, is a really good blend of western and horror. I am a big fan of the slow-burning pot boiler 'Dead Birds', which took elements of a western as well - it being set back in the Civil War era West. The casting for that film was as fine as I've seen, and The Burrowers also has that going for it as well.
So imagine my happy surprise when I read (on Amazon I think) that both Dead Birds and The Burrowers have the same creature designer. Makes sense.

Straight up, here's what was stalking the poor chaps in this flick:



Nice, huh?

Anyway, the story begins by showing a couple courting (as it was so aptly called back then) . The man is an Irish immigrant, Fergus Coffey, who is making plans with his beloved, Maryanne.
Cut to an attack on Maryanne and her family late at night by something ... but what?

Simply put, the rest of the story is the search for the mysterious disappearance of some of the family (Maryanne included) who were apparently dragged off into the darkness.
Those who were left incurred odd and inexplicable wounds and were DOA.

The group of searchers (like that western reference?) include Fergus (Karl Geary) - who may I just stop and say looks like a cross between Gerard Butler and Julian McMahon (of Nip/Tuck fame)... so I was rooting for him, for sure.
See below:


(Geary)

Among those helping in the search for what they feel was certainly an Indian assault, is an Army officer named Henry Victor (Doug Hutchison of 'X-Files' and 'Lost' fame) , and a couple Indian trackers (Clancy Brown and William Mathoper (both of whom are also seen in 'Lost'). An ex-slave (Sean Patrick Thomas) and the future step son of the Mathoper character (Galen Hutchison) round out the group.


(Brown and Mathoper)

As time goes by, the Army dude and a few of his men separate from the original posse. They argue too much about how to go about finding the missing family members, and after coming across some Indians and using too much force, they agree to go their own ways.

Turns out the Indians know a bit about the strange "tribe" that apparently took the missing.
Before splitting up, the group holds an Indian hostage who proceeds to try to explain about the Burrowers. Naturally the language barrier prevents them from understanding completely, and hence, the men begin to be picked off one at a time - like a somewhat more frightening Friday the 13th movie.

When one of the men discovers a body covered over with dirt but still breathing, it ratchets the uneasiness up several notches. The girl is unable to speak - and though alive, has the same strange wounds as the others. The stepson is chosen to take her back, though as scared as they all have become it is quite odd that they would allow the youngest and most inexperienced member of the posse to "escort" the young girl back home. Naturally, his trip is not without problems.

Yes, you do see the creatures. And yes, they do resemble the subterranian dwellers of The Descent somewhat, but it doesn't make them any less creepy. I don't want to give away too much, but it becomes obvious that the people that are buried alive are there for the underground carnivores future use. There is also an un-nerving clicking sound (reminisent of both The Grudge and The Descent) when these beasties are about.



The irony of the bleak ending just sits there and stews, making you feel utterly as helpless as the poor man just trying to find his loved one.
I, for one, don't always like the obvious happy ending.

The cinematography for this film is absolutely top notch. Waving wheat and ominous sunsets abound. New Mexico stands in quite nicely for the Dakotas.
Each night when it grows dark you can feel the tension of the men's dread. The panoramic views and sweeping landscapes really set the stage for the complete sense of helplessness and isolation one might feel if forced to spend the night alone in such a inhospitable and menacing terrain.
Just seeing those men, lying on the ground around a small campfire awaiting their own doom is enough. But knowing it's something more sinister than "just" bloodthirsty Indians makes the unpleasant anticipation more than just a little bit entertaining.

What is most amazing to me is that a superior movie such as this goes direct-to-DVD and crap like the remakes of both Prom Night and April Fool's Day get a theatrical release.
Somebody out there needs to actually watch that crap before giving it the go for the theater!

All in all, it's a two thumbs up for this one.
Check it out!

"12 rooms, 12 vacancies..."

What is it about hotels and motels that are inherently spooky?
Why do I always get a slight sense of dread when I step foot into the rented room?

Probably because I've seen freakin' movies like The Shining, 1408, Motel Hell, and the mother of all messed up motel movies: Psycho.
Every time I'm in some rinky dink mom & pop place for the night (which isn't to say it's very often, but it's always memorable) I wander into the bathroom, looking for weird flowery wallpaper and holes in the walls.

But all in all, my worst experience of this kind was a night spent in Buzzards Bay, Mass. - which seems like a lovely little town adjacent to Cape Cod.
The town itself might be nice, but the 'shall-not-be-named' piece of crap place we stayed in....not so much.
Let's just say we propped a chair against the door to hold it shut cause the lock was broke. Seriously.

Hey, at least I've never seen cockroaches anywhere. That would scare me more than anything else I think.
I'm guessing it would be easier for me to stay in a room where someone had been murdered (or tons of people a'la 1408) than in a room with creepy crawlies.

I digress.

Motel movies. Yeah, they are scary, generally. Because everyone can relate, I think.
I don't think I wrote about Vacancy.



Having just watched Vacancy 2, I feel I should touch on the first one a bit. Starring Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale, it had the benefit of well known stars to gain popularity.
The basic plot is simple. Husband and wife are fighting an on the road. So many movies start like this, don't they? Have the starring couple at odds when you begin so it means so much more when they're fighting for their lives.

So then we have the popular "car breaks down on a lonely highway" plot device. Used and abused, but always effective to set the stage. David and Amy (Wilson/Beckinsale) come upon the somewhat run-down motel and book a room for the night, only to discover that the tv isn't showing HBO... it's showing the murders of previous motel guests. And the crimes are taking place in the exact room they're in. Ta-dah!
Frank Whaley is really good as the hotel manager. Not exactly Norman Bates, but maybe the next best thing (or worst, for the guests).

Vacancy is a taut, quick-paced thriller - somewhat predictable yet still effective. If you've never seen it, I would watch it before seeing it's sequel.

That said, Vacancy 2: The First Cut could actually stand alone, as it is really a prequel, not a follow-up.



It supposedly shows how the whole thing got set up.
After showing the very first murder at the motel (which surprises the two entrepreneuring motel employees who have already set up cameras to catch unsuspecting guests in flagrante delicto to sell as porn movies). The murderer makes a deal with the other two and soon they are basically producing snuff films.

On to the meat of the story.
Jessica (Agnes Bruckner) and Caleb (Trevor Wright) are newly engaged and traveling from Chicago to rural North Carolina to start a new life. They've brought Caleb's friend Tanner (Arjay Smith) along for the ride, which is rather confusing. Not sure what he's there for if not to provide comic relief and another DB.
It doesn't take them long to find out they are being taped, and things just pretty much go downhill from there.
But whereas in the first Vacancy the whole movie revolves around the one couple, Vacancy 2 goes beyond that to show the murdering three men much more - and the problems they have within their own ranks. It also goes outside the motel (again unlike the original) and takes the hunted beyond the motel room and into the woods and a neighboring house to keep the action going.

While neither movie wound win any awards of course, they both have their good points and faults. And though neither movie ever scared me (and Vacancy 2 blatantly ripped the killer's look off directly from The Strangers and/or Friday the 13th part 2....), they both kept me fairly entertained, with the first Vacancy doing a bit better job of it.

Still doesn't make me want to stay in some piece of crap dump. Ever.

If only...

Tell me THIS wouldn't make the horror-movie lover's year?
Or decade?
Lifetime?

"The League of Extremely Violent Gentlemen"
(tagline: The horror of six become a league of one...)



Would that rock or what?

Sometimes, horror is hilarious!

Who doesn't love Shaun of the Dead?



IMDB has a list of memorable quotes from the 2004 zombie comedy, and I got a real hoot out of reading them.
This is just a sample. You can read the rest on the site here.

(I tended to exclude some of my real faves due to the major F-Bomb dropping...


***

Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: All right... are there any out there, though? [looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]
Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]
Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.

***

Shaun: Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!



***

Shaun: [about Ed] I've known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Shaun: Oh, leave him alone.
Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple Schnappes and playing Tekken 2.
Shaun: Oh yeah. [laughing]
Shaun: When was that?
Pete: [laughing] That was five years ago. When's he going home?



***

Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You've sold puff.
Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.



***

[Shaun tries to get out of Philip's Jaguar]
Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Philip: Safety first, Shaun.



***

[trying to call the emergency services]

Ed: Shaun, what's going on?
Shaun: Shit, it's engaged!
Ed: How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: A fire engine?
Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?

***

[Shaun is channel hopping] [Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's... [VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: ...Panic on the streets of London... [ITV News]
News Reporter: ...as an increasing number of reports of... [Football]
Football Commentator: ...serious attacks on... [Channel Five News]
News Reporter: ...people, who are literally being... [Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
Documentary Narrator: ...eaten alive. [Sky News]
Jeremy Thompson: Witness reports at best are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be... [T4]
Vernon Kay: ...dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...

***

Barbara: It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

***

[after Philip has been bitten]
Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?
Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.
Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap.
Barbara: I really think...
Philip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
Barbara: But Philip...
Philip: It's a lot of overblown nonsense, a lot of drug nuts running wild.



***

Shaun: [to a girl in the garden] Excuse me? [no response]
Shaun: Excuse me? [no response]
Shaun: Hellew? [no response]
Ed: [picks up a pebble and throws it off her back] Oi! [girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!



***

Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won't say anything.
Shaun: Thanks.

***

Ed: There's a girl in the garden.
Shaun: What?
Ed: In the garden, there is a girl.

***

Ed: We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Knowing may not be enough.

I'm really not sure how this movie would be categorized. I assume it would be sci-fi...?

I'm also on the fence with Nicholas Cage. Some movies I like (yeah, sue me - I like Con-Air!) but alot I have found less than distinguished (but you can't knock the guy for his Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas- depressingly good flick).

I actually liked the premise of this. Starts out in 1959 when a time capsule is closed up at an elementary school in Massachusetts (close to MIT, apparently, because Cage plays a 'brilliant astro-physicist'....but of course). A class of students have all contributed a picture they have drawn - one that supposedly depicts what they think things will look like in 2009 when it is to be opened. A strange girl, Lucinda - isn't drawing a picture. Instead, she is covering a page front and back with numbers. While most teachers would have cast aside her "picture", it gets stuck in the capsule.

Shoot ahead a half a century and the school is opening the capsule. Every kid in class gets to check out one of the old pictures that are ready to see the light of day after 50 years.
Nic Cage's son in the film gets Lucinda's freaky puzzle-like scrawling. Nice.

Did I mention astro-dad's wife was killed a year before and they are both still dealing with that?
There always has to be some kind of conflict, right? The death does come in to play though, so I guess it works.

Anyway, the boy takes the paper home (though he wasn't supposed to) and the Prof accidentally sets a wet glass on the paper - making a ring around a bunch of the numbers. He takes a good look at the rambling numbers and like the dazzling whiz he is, he sees a pattern.

The sequence of numbers just happens to be the dates of every major disaster - natural or otherwise - that has occurred on the planet within the last fifty years. Such as 9/11, the Tsunami of Dec. '04, Hurricane Katrina, the Oklahoma City bombing, plane crashes, wildfires, earthquakes, terrorist attacks...you get the picture.

There are three events that have not yet occurred.
So it is a race to see if they can stop the disasters or if they are fate - predetermined events that cannot be prevented.

The present-day family of the strange little girl is also involved but I won't go into that.
I found it hard to believe that anyone would have married or had sex with that weirdo to produce the current family members.....

I liked this movie till about three-fourths of the way through, then it got a little too existential and celestial for me. It morphed from a thriller of sorts to an all out barrage of mystical, transcendental mumbo-jumbo.
Way too much theoretical poppycock. I actually read in some reviews that folks thought this was "spiritual" and "uplifting".....
Like, really?

And I did not like the ending. Just silly.

But the concept was cool. A little X-Files, a little Close Encounters, a little The Day After Tommorrow (not great by any stretch, but you get my drift)... I think they could have done more with it instead of jumping through so many hypothetical hoops.

But maybe that's just me. Check it out for yourself.
Hey, it's better than The Happening, so that's saying something, right?
It isn't a waste, but you have to check your brain at the door sometimes, don'tcha?

"A naked American man stole my balloons..."

After watching two really mediocre attempts at horror, I resigned myself that good horror is hard to come by. Great horror is nearly impossible to find. Crappy horror is a dime a dozen. Probably two out of every ten horror films produced are even remotely entertaining...


Hence my little sit down with my flat screen and one of my all-time faves, An American Werewolf in London (1981).


Exactly the right mix of horror and comedy, courtesy of the brilliant John Landis (who on a side note, directed the late great Michael Jackson in his masterpiece video, Thriller.)....





So, in lieu of posting a review (cause if you haven't actually seen it, what the hell are you reading this blog for?) - I decided to pick 10 reasons I love "An American Werewolf in London".

Listed in reverse chronological order (for no reason other than that's just how I roll), here you go:

10) Nazi-monsters who jump into David's house all SWAT-like and wipe out his entire family and slit his throat. Ta-dah, it's a dream...... But wait! Then they jump through the window at the hospital and kill Nurse Price... Ta-dah... another dream... Time to wake up.




9) Corpse Jack sitting on the couch holding Mickey Mouse: "Hi David!"






8) Sex in the shower with someone you just met. Someone from another country. Who was attacked by a 'lunatic' on the moors. Who is having mixed perceptions of reality and seeing his dead friend, and is almost convinced he's a werewolf. But it's sex, in the shower, right? I mean, really?





7) The transformation + "Blue Moon". Brilliant.





6) The scary scene in the tubes - the man alone in the underground subway being chased... and he finally trips up the escalator. Only then do you see the werewolf coming on screen, and only then do you really see how BIG he is. Probably the scariest part of the movie.




5) The scene in the theater where all the folks David slaughtered are discussing ways he can kill himself. Jack is miffed that they are so cruel. "Do you mind? The man's a friend of mine..."

4) A werewolf running up and down Piccadilly Circus. Classic.





3) The Slaughtered Lamb - "You made me miss. I've never missed that board in my life...".....
"There's no food here!".....




2) Speaking of the quirky pub off the beaten path in East Proctor - how about the strange folks who congregate there who seem to know a secret but aren't tellin'. "Remember the Alamo!"

1) Stick to the road, stay off the moors, and beware of the moon.

(advice Jack wishes to hell he'd have listened to...)

Slash-O-Rama

Rent first.... don't buy outright.



Laid to Rest isn't the most unique, most shocking or even most gory movie I've ever seen, but it kept me entertained fairly sufficiently for an hour & a half.

I didn't know any of the actors (well, that's a lie - I think the geeky computer nerd may have been in the movie Twister...) but they all did a fairly respectable job with the plot they were handed.

That said, the plot is an open ended clusterf**k. It really doesn't mesh, and you can see the disorganization and clutter right from the get go. Sometimes it's cool when things aren't explained - it can really add to the suspense as you formulate your own opinions as to what is happening and where the flick is going.

I don't believe the lead character's (the extremely well-endowed Bobbi Sue Luther) name was ever given, in fact I think she was referred to as "the girl" in the credits. Which is par for the course because our heroine (and I use that term very loosely) wakes up in a coffin, unable to remember how she got there or who she is. She manages to knock the casket off the table and it falls open, releasing her. She tries to escape (after making a ridiculous call to the police in which she actually had to look on the wall by the phone where it said "Call 911 for emergencies" or some shit like that!! As if you'd forget how to call 911) but is prevented from completing the call due to a masked killer (you knew that was coming, right?) tries to apparently finish what he started.
I guess the title stems from the fact that 'the girl' woke up in a casket in a funeral home.
I guess.

Our masked executioner is wearing a chrome skull.



Yes, it's hard to believe there was any kind of masks left to use in horror movies. But it was creepy I guess. And for some reason he is after "the girl".... And he wants to record it. Strangely, he wears a video camera strapped to his shoulder. Okay, now that's unique.

Cut to "the girl" running down an abandoned road (no one said it was original, remember?) and she gets picked up by a redneck dude (Kevin Gage) who takes her back to his place. No, he's actually not a killer/rapist/nutjob passing himself off as a country yokel. He's a decent chap who's married and he & his wife take the girl in and try to piece together what happened. Too bad the guy's name is Tucker... sure makes him seem like a cornfed bumpkin.

Unfortunate things happen to Tucker's wife (whose name escapes me)... and 'the girl' and Tucker end up making their escape in Tuck's truck (I just wanted to write that). They pull over at a house along the road and then we meet said-geek Stephen.

I don't want to rehash the entire movie - watch it for yourself. But suffice it to say, there is plenty of gore. Chrome Skull uses a pair of knives to do most of the killings (see DVD cover), but there are a few other good gore deaths - including one using fix-a-flat, and another with a caustic chemical agent to the face. Nice.

There are so many blatant loop-holes here. Why is Chrome Skull chasing her? Who IS she? Why does the killer videotape everything? Why was she in a coffin?
I could go on...but won't.
I laughed at some reviews I read that stated this film had 'no redeeming qualities'... Come on people, this isn't Hitchcock for Christ's sake. Hell, it's not even Rob Zombie.

In the end, all I can offer is this. Nothing new here, but it doesn't suck.

AT LEAST THE MUSIC WAS GOOD...

Good Lord, I really should know better, right?



The Grudge 3 (2009) is a pointless, derivative, mess of a sequel.
I really hesitate to call it part of a trilogy, because somewhere in the back of my brain there is something telling me that greedy bastards somewhere are already penning the script for The Grudge 4.
Ugh.

This one takes place in Chicagoland, where the sole survivor of Part 2 is having some mental issues regarding his family being slaughtered by the infamous Kayako.
In the first few minutes, he is killed (sorry if I spoiled it for ya, but couldn't you see it coming?) by said Japanese freaky-ghost girl.
But not before his doctor (the terribly miscast Shawnee Smith - though she is truly the 'marquee name'... that should say something, right? Trying to believe her as a doctor is a stretch, I'm sorry. Stick to the Saw movies, 'kay?) tries to tell him he's imagining the totally-in-need-of-a-tan Kayako.
Not so much.

Enter Max, Lisa, and Rose. Max is apparently the building manager - or some such shit -of the apartment building where the Grudge 2 folks were killed. Again, a little hard to believe someone so young would not only be managing an apartment complex, but raising his two sisters as well.
Party of Five it ain't.
Lisa is oh, I don't know....eighteen or so - and she's getting too busy with her cutie boyfriend to notice the problems, at first.
Rose is an annoying little pre-pubescent with an asthma problem, of course! (signs of Signs...)

Max is having trouble getting renters. I call it 'Amityville Complex'... how about you?
Seems no one wants to live in a place where such "legendary horror' has taken place.
Imagine that.

One day... Kayako's sister, fresh in from Tokyo, thinks she has the solution to the curse.
Some confounded ceremony to rid the place of the curse before it kills EVERYONE!!!!

Oh. My. God.

The acting really wasn't too bad, all things considered. But this series needs to stop, now.
All the powdery makeup in the world can't make up for a good plot.
Which is not evident here in the least.

Avoid this flick like the plague.

Actually, I'm sure the Plague is soooo much scarier.

*The comment about the music stands.... the main themes composed by Christopher Young are intact here - and if I could have sat through the credits I may have noted that he did indeed provide the score here, but I don't know for sure. But the score is simply the best part of the film.

CALL THE EXTERMINATOR!

There's a cool new show on the Travel Channel called Bite Me with Dr. Mike - it's this dude that travels the world finding things that bite.




Such as this Wandering Spider. Bigger than you think.

There were all kinds of creepy crawly biting things on it...

Check out my other blog for more details - the show rocks!

DO I HAVE TIME TO KICK SOME ASS WHILE THIS SETS?

Those folks over at True Blood are a real hoot!

Much as I likied the season 2 premiere, I'm still laughing my ass off at the scene where big bad vampire sheriff Eric strolls down to the apparent dungeon he's got under Fangtasia - ready to kick some human ass - in hair foils.



Guess vampires need to have their roots done too.
Don't tell me the previous Viking isn't a true blonde....
My image of him will be totally blown...

Not so fast.
Wait - he can still thump the shit outta someone (and pretty much rip them apart while feeding)even while letting his roots percolate.
Whoa.



This show is a blast!