Monday, October 20, 2008

I'm not hungry, ok?

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds
What can I say?

Well, I can say that I wish like hell that I didn't purchase this movie sight unseen.
And I really CAN appreciate a good B-grade horror flick, I really can.
Enjoy them, even.
And I was really looking forward to this sequel.
Never again.
Note to self: Always. Use. Netflix. First.

First let me say that I am a fan of the first Feast. It really rocked - it was something kind of different, and the acting actually wasn't too bad (for a horror film). It was pleasantly over-the-top. The script was campy and fun, it was fast-paced, and the amount of gore was just right.

And I can watch alot of gore.
But this movie was like a puke-fest, blood-fest, 'bodily fluid'-fest and a gratuitous nudity-fest all wrapped up in one. I know what you're thinking, horror fans: "I like alot of all of the above"....Trust me, you don't.
This film is truly one of the most appallingly bad, disgustingly nauseating, repulsive flicks I have seen in awhile. I could handle the gore, but when pretty much every character started projectile vomiting (over and over!), I didn't know whether to laugh or upchuck.

Feast 2 starts directly after the end of the first Feast.
The creatures have moved on down the road from the bar they left in ruins, and they gang up on a town of (apparent) losers who are holed up at various locations around the village.
Every character is worthless and unlikeable.
Honey Pie (the chick from the first movie who took off in a truck and left everyone else for dead) is back and for some reason, everybody pretty much hates her so she is on her own.
The bartender (Director John Gulager's dad, Clu) is back, as is the twin sister of "Harley Mama" - that would be "Biker Queen" (seriously, I'm not making this shit up)... Of course she is back, she's the director's girlfriend.
Also joining in the family fun is a new character (whose name I forget but if you watch the movie you'll know who I'm talking about) - he's the biggest jackass of them all. I think his name might be Greg. He's played by the director's brother. Nothing like exposing your entire family to your horrific directing skills.

Basically there is no plot for this cheese-fest (not that the first one had one, but it was just sooooo much better).
All the characters just run around screaming obscenities constantly and getting blanketed with blood and gruesome body parts.
To make matters worse, the monsters have giant (I mean whoppingly large) genitalia, and it is on full view at all times. Not scary. Not even funny.

And if I haven't convinced you that this is a waste of time yet (hard to believe you're still interested!).... one of the first freaking things you see on screen is a German Shepherd get blown to pieces! Now that JUST AIN'T COOL, man! I should've known right then to hit eject...

But in addition to the canine carnage, there are (and I shit you not, here) catapulting midgets, monsters copulating with alley cats, farting autopsy recipients, and in the worst thing I've seen - maybe ever - they throw a baby into the air and it not only smashes to the cement (splat!), it is then savagely devoured by the hungry creatures. Say it with me now.... OH. MY. GOD.

This is not Evil Dead II, folks. There are no redeeming qualities to speak of, I'm sorry.
And if it gets really cold this winter - with the skyrocketing price of natural gas - I just may throw this piece of rubbish on the fire to keep warm.

And now for the really crazy post script.
They made Feast 2 and Feast 3 back to back.

No comments: