Tuesday, October 27, 2009
It's Alive - and I wish it wasn't!
Why is it that I seem to be able to write a review or comments on a bad film so much easier than something I've truly enjoyed?
Recently, I've seen both Trick 'r Treat on DVD and Paranormal Activity at the theater and I still have yet to post about either. (I will, eventually....in the meantime, see both - take my word for it!)
So why do I choose to tell you about this loser of a film?
Maybe it's cause I'm snarky as hell and I like to bitch. Yeah, that must be it.
So, without further adieu....
I just wasted 90 minutes of my time watching the re-make of the 1974 flick, 'It's Alive'.
I thought perhaps....just perhaps, it might not be too awful. But it was. If there is anyone out there who tells you it's not that bad, they are either lying or have been kidnapped by pod people.
I really can't recall if I saw the original. I saw alot of movies when I was a teenager, and it is possible that I picked up that relic at the video store along with the wildly entertaining Faces of Death (note the sarcasm, please)... So this review will be completely without comparison.
First let me be clear about one thing. I don't like kids. Anyone that knows me knows I don't have children for a reason. I'm waaaay too selfish to have them. There's no beating around the bush here, no sparing of feelings. Just pure honesty.
I. Don't. Like. Kids.
That said, it is rather amazing that I would rent a movie whose plot revolves around one of the little munchkins. But hey, I figured - killer babies...maybe that's something I can wrap my head around.
It starts out with Lenore (Bijou Phillips) packing her things at a college apartment. She's got herself knocked up and is leaving school to have the baby. She moves in with her baby daddy Frank (James Murray) and his little brother, who live in the house his parents owned. His folks died, and they make it a point to show a picture of the two brothers with the parents several times but for no apparent reason. That plot goes nowhere.
The very night Lenore moves in, she takes a hot shower that triggers the baby's early birth. While at the hospital the doctor tells Frank that the baby has grown twice as large since her most recent appointment and they have to do a C-Section.
Directly after the birth, the doctors are holding the baby and it attacks the staff. Nothing is shown until after, and you never see the freak-show of a kid. Only the carnage it leaves behind.
Naturally no one is the wiser and they think some random murderer came in and hacked up the doctors and nurses.
Okay, right about here is where I realized the mistake I had made. I don't know what I expected, but when I think about the actuality of a killer baby on the loose.... what was I thinking?
The happy couple brings the bundle of joy home and he (baby Daniel) proceeds to chew up his mom's breast while feeding...attacks the family cat, a rabbit, and a rat...and kills Lenore's visiting friends (which was the most unrealistic, ridiculous death like, ever. I mean, by the time the nutso baby finished killing, he was actually crawling back out of her friend's mouth. Dumb.)
By this time, the cops and the police psychiatrist are all questioning the situation and so of course, when the shrink visits, Danny Boy kills him too.
Lenore figures things out (sure took her long enough) and morphs into her combat mommy stance, hiding bodies and cleaning up messes in order to protect Daniel from being discovered.
When Frank finally gets it through his head what is going down, it's too late. The cops have arrived and when they find bodies in the basement, think Frank is the killer.
All this shit goes down without you ever seeing the baby actually kill someone, and without actually even seeing the damn evil rugrat. That makes the movie all the more painful to watch. They do show his hands a few times, with his obvious little claws. There's some gore, but when you never see anything really happening, it's a real cop out.
There is only one time in the entire flick that you ever see the menacing creepy brat. And the CGI is just god-awful.
The reason for the mutant baby is only remotely touched at. Seemingly, Lenore took pills when she found out she was preggers to have a spontaneous abortion but something backfired and she ended up having the freak anyway.
The camera shows things from the baby's point of view alot, when he's creeping up on victims, and this to me made it all the more hilarious. To hear the baby growling and snarling like the baby T-Rex in The Lost World was just too much.
Bijou Phillips has to be the one of the most annoying actress of all time. I didn't notice it so much in Hostel 2, but WOW, I could have fed her to the sharks in this one. Her high-pitched whiney voice grated my nerves so bad I almost jammed pencils in my ears so I didn't have to listen! I'm not sure I'll ever watch anything she's in again. Awful. When she did her little baby voice when she talked to the kid, I wanted to take out the DVD and use it as a frisbee.
(see, she thinks the script is deplorable too!)
The secondary characters (Frank's brother, Lenore's friends, the shrink) were so pointless and utterly useless I don't even know why they were added.
Something else that bugged me was Lenore's horrific wardrobe. Once she was at home with the baby, she wore old fashioned flannel gowns with ruffles and long, shapeless housecoats. Ugh.
Put it this way, if I want to see a kid running around killing people, I'll rent Child's Play again - at least it was humorous. And if I want actual scares, I'll take out my copy of The Omen and let Damian show me how it's done.