Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ranting on Horror

Sometimes, I just have to rant. Usually it's not about horror, because I enjoy most of it so much. But a few things do stand out for me. And here they are:

*Just about can't stand Renfield's goofy laugh in the 1931 Dracula. Makes me want to chew off my arm.

*That chick in Open Water? I almost wanted her to get eaten. No wait...I did want her to get eaten.

*It annoys me that they demolished most of the Danvers State Hospital in MA. (setting for the brilliantly eerie Session 9) to put up apartment buildings. And how are those apartments not haunted? Former site of a Lunatic Asylum? I'm thinkin' yes. I mean, didn't they see the re-make of House on Haunted Hill?

*How is it that John Kramer (Jigsaw) still able to be in Saw VI - I mean, didn't this dude die in part 3? Cripes, you'd think he was Michael Myers or something. He just keeps showing up - even though he's dead. Just how many goddamned tapes did he make?

*At the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, why the hell does that fat semi-truck driver get back out of his truck to run away? If it were me I'd have made me a good ole tire-Leatherface sandwich.

*Could you really love someone enough to kiss their mangled, half-regenerated corpse like Julia does with Frank in Hellraiser? I'm thinking no.

*God, is Shelly Duvall ugly in The Shining or what? Almost makes Jack wanting to bash her brains right the f**k in seem like the right thing to do.

*Piano wire in Audition? Wow. Too bad you gotta sit nervously through the entire movie to get to that part.

*Annie in Halloween (1978)? Yeah, I'd have snuffed her out too. And Lynda's laugh could NOT have been more annoying. Right up there with Renfield.

*Why was it called Evil Dead 2 if it really is a re-telling/re-imagining? Cause that's what it seems like. Not that I mind.

*Worst scene in a horror movie for me, personally? That awful ferry scene in The Ring 2 where the horse runs off the end of the ferry and... well, I don't even like writing it.

*Most overused effect? That creepy stop-motion walking thing from movies like The Grudge and The Ring. It was scary the first few times I saw it. Now, not so much.

*Don't the flying spheres of death in Phantasm and the puzzle box from Hellraiser seem really stupid, now that you think about it? And did you know you can buy either online?

*Did anyone else forget that Wolfman Jack is actually in Motel Hell? So is Cliff from Cheers (John Ratzenberger).

*What was up with the end of The Beyond (a.k.a. The Seven Doors of Death - which is the title I own) anyway? It kinda morphed into a real WTF ending, didn't it? A wasteland of fog and death just outside the hospital doors? Huh?

*How come all the werewolves in The Howling were pretty goddamned frightening looking, and then Dee Wallace Stone turns into a cute, fuzzy, nose-twitching little she-dog?

*That 1999 remake of The Haunting - can we just pretend it never happened?

*The lead chick's name in Final Destination is Clear Rivers. Really?

*If your leg started bleeding enough to feed a vampire for a week (a la Cabin Fever) - would you keep on shaving?

*So, 'Let's Scare Jessica To Death' is supposed to be scary? Seriously? Ditto Dark Water, The Last Winter, Pulse, The Orphanage...... I could go on...

*Would you really swim through that underwater tunnel/cave like they do in Turistas? Especially with a questionable guide? One that wants your kidney?

*And speaking of other dumb ass things to do on vacation: Would you take the random route off the beaten path into the jungles of South America to find some old ruin when you could see the exact same thing with all the other tourists on something we call a legitimate TOUR? News flash: Mayan ruins all look the same.

*I still hate Tom Cruise as Lestat.

*Isn't Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses just like an extended video of his? It's supposed to be, right? .....No? Oh, and his wife needs cuffed for that laugh of hers. I'm seeing a pattern of inexplicably horrendus laughing. Two words: Not. Scary.

*Would you wander around downtown Tokyo like SMG did in The Grudge?

*I'll admit it, I cheered when Paris Hilton bit the dust in House of Wax.

*I think Leviathan and Deep Star Six were actually the same movie with interchangeable actors.

*That sequel to The Lost Boys? All I can say is why?

*The scariest thing about The Machinist is knowing how much weight Christian Bale lost....then put right back on to portray Batman. Other than that, it's a convoluted mess.

*Isn't Rogue like the best movie about a giant man-eating crocodile you've ever seen? Really puts Lake Placid to shame. (Except Betty White - she was a hoot!)

*I hate that little kid in The Omen. Hate him.

*When will they stop making Final Destination movies? Yeah, I know... about the same time they stop making Saw sequels. And Halloween, and Friday the 13th, and Freddy, and Scream.....

*For the guys: Best nude scenes you've never seen? Kate Beckinsale in Haunted. Rent it.

*Speaking of nude, it's so hard to believe Adrienne Barbeau is 64, isn't it?

*That giant menacingly creepy rabbit dude (named Frank-?) in Donnie Darko messes with my head almost as much as the final scene of The Blair Witch Project.

*Ryan Reynolds: Yes, you have a major six pack. But did we need to see it 48 times in the Amityville Horror remake? Wait, yes - we did. It was the only reason to sit through that dreck.

*In Candyman, when Helen decided to check out the Cabrini-Green projects in Chicago, didn't you just want to slap her? I mean, I'd be more worried about gang violence than a make believe killer with a hook. Oh well.

*Next worse scene in a horror movie for me? When that asshole kills Chester - the horse in Cold Creek Manor - and throws him in the pool. Wait a tic...they never showed him actually doing it, which brings me to wonder - could someone actually get a horse into a pool? It would have made the movie more interesting. And as far as Chester's death, I think I was more upset than Kristen Stewart. What gives?

*What was with all the crazy vining tattoo action in Carrie 2: The Rage? Sissy Spacek didn't need any tats to wreak havoc.

*When I started seeing all those darn signs for Gatlin at every turn off, I'd have beat feet outta there. And all those cornfields? Creepy.

*Dogs must have a thing for consuming body parts: Examples? Dog Soldiers, Altered, The Breed, Cujo, Hostel 2, Trick 'R Treat... I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

*So if it wasn't his wife he was putting in the car, just what did the neighbor in What Lies Beneath wrap up in a carpet and throw in his trunk?

*I'm still frightened of black men in yellow slickers thanks to Creepshow 2.

*Why do they always kill the horses in these things...third worst scene for me? When all the soldier's horses are torn apart and mangled in Dead Birds. Should'a named the thing Dead Horses.

Ok, I'm done for now.

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1 comment:

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