~by Marie Robinson
We all know them; the characters in horror movies that you just want
to shut the fuck up!! The ones who make the bad decisions, or decide to
believe the protagonist a little too late, and whose every line induces
These are the five characters in horror that annoy the crap outta me. Christine's are coming later in Part 2 - there's no way to limit us to five between the two of us!!
1. Marge Thompson (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
was one of the first horror films I’ve ever seen, and for as long as I
can remember I’ve always hated Nancy’s mom. Sure, being a single parent
who has to dwell on memories of murdering a twisted child killer is
tough, but do you really have to be drunk 24/7? This bitch is pulling
bottles out of the kitchen cabinets, the laundry closet, and basically
out of thin air throughout the entire movie.
And when her only
child is going through a hard time, like, a REALLY hard time—friends
being murdered, etc.—what does she do? Bar up the windows and lock the
doors from the inside, of course!
What really bugs me, though,
are her weird, seizure-like mannerisms and her breathy voice. I guess
she’s supposed to be acting drunk? If I knew someone who talked and
acted like that all the time I’d go fuckin’ nuts. Sorry, but I was more
than a little glad when she got sucked up into the door at the end of
the movie. Good riddance.
awesome parenting tips from Rachel Creed, “ignorance is bliss” and “lie
to your children”. Whatever keeps ‘em happy, right? I’m convinced Louis
would be ten times a better father if this asshole weren’t here to
coach him. She makes him lie to their (also annoying) daughter about
death and dying and heaven and lets her believe a bunch of stupid crap
that is bound to screw her up later in life.
Also that time she
let her terminally ill sister chokes and die and then LAUGHED about it?
Yeah, I know she was scary as hell, but seriously?? That monologue where
she starts screaming, “Zelda’s dead, Zelda’s dead!” I want to kill
Bring her back from the dead is the worst decision you could make, Louis. Gross.
and I are big fans of True Blood, which is a fun and sexy show with a
lot of great characters, except for the fucking MAIN character! I
haven’t read the books, so I don’t know if Sookie was created to be a
terrible person or was just shaped into one on the show, but goddam
does she suck.
For some reason, EVERYONE wants to fuck her, even
though she’s a pompous little brat who brings serious fucking drama
wherever she goes. And she ends up screwing everyone anyway because one
incredibly hot guy is just not enough for her.
And then there’s
this whole plot detail where she is like the most magical and important
person of all time, and it’s just like COME ON!! Stop making her so
important and desirable because she’s so fucking annoying and I just
want her killed off and Bill to be the star of the show!
darling. Light of my life. I’m not gonna kill ya, I’m just gonna bash
yer fuckin’ brains in! You’re innocent and sweet, but god, are you
She probably should have left her husband when he got so
mad he dislocated his son’s arm, but I guess she believes in second
chances. If she knew what was going to happen to her later maybe she
Wendy seemed to have good instincts, and she did
think about leaving the Overlook a couple a’ times, but decided to stick
it out with psycho Jack and wait till ANOTHER person got murdered. You
could have avoided this Wendy…
5. Kaycee (The Green Inferno)
go ahead and do you a favor and tell you if you haven’t seen The Green
Inferno, don’t. It’s terribly written and has awful acting, but the
award for worst actress goes to Sky Ferreira, who plays monotone student
Kaycee. Sky Ferreira is primarily a musician—I think?? But she sure as
hell ain’t a thespian. Her whole performance is dry, dull, and—oh
Don’t get me wrong, her character sucks, too;
some stoner slut whose completely politically incorrect. She was only in
the movie for about ten minutes total, probably, but even that was too
I hope I never have to see her in another movie for as long as I live.