Saturday, October 24, 2015

Octoberfest Five: 5 Super-Annoying Horror Characters, Part 1

 ~by Marie Robinson

We all know them; the characters in horror movies that you just want to shut the fuck up!! The ones who make the bad decisions, or decide to believe the protagonist a little too late, and whose every line induces an eye-roll.

These are the five characters in horror that annoy the crap outta me. Christine's are coming later in Part 2 - there's no way to limit us to five between the two of us!!

1. Marge Thompson (A Nightmare on Elm Street) 

Nightmare was one of the first horror films I’ve ever seen, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always hated Nancy’s mom. Sure, being a single parent who has to dwell on memories of murdering a twisted child killer is tough, but do you really have to be drunk 24/7? This bitch is pulling bottles out of the kitchen cabinets, the laundry closet, and basically out of thin air throughout the entire movie.
And when her only child is going through a hard time, like, a REALLY hard time—friends being murdered, etc.—what does she do? Bar up the windows and lock the doors from the inside, of course!
What really bugs me, though, are her weird, seizure-like mannerisms and her breathy voice. I guess she’s supposed to be acting drunk? If I knew someone who talked and acted like that all the time I’d go fuckin’ nuts. Sorry, but I was more than a little glad when she got sucked up into the door at the end of the movie. Good riddance.

2. Rachel Creed (Pet Semetery)

Two awesome parenting tips from Rachel Creed, “ignorance is bliss” and “lie to your children”. Whatever keeps ‘em happy, right? I’m convinced Louis would be ten times a better father if this asshole weren’t here to coach him. She makes him lie to their (also annoying) daughter about death and dying and heaven and lets her believe a bunch of stupid crap that is bound to screw her up later in life.
Also that time she let her terminally ill sister chokes and die and then LAUGHED about it? Yeah, I know she was scary as hell, but seriously?? That monologue where she starts screaming, “Zelda’s dead, Zelda’s dead!” I want to kill her!!
Bring her back from the dead is the worst decision you could make, Louis. Gross.

3. Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) 

Christine and I are big fans of True Blood, which is a fun and sexy show with a lot of great characters, except for the fucking MAIN character! I haven’t read the books, so I don’t know if Sookie was created to be a terrible person or was just shaped into one on the show, but goddam does she suck.
For some reason, EVERYONE wants to fuck her, even though she’s a pompous little brat who brings serious fucking drama wherever she goes. And she ends up screwing everyone anyway because one incredibly hot guy is just not enough for her.
And then there’s this whole plot detail where she is like the most magical and important person of all time, and it’s just like COME ON!! Stop making her so important and desirable because she’s so fucking annoying and I just want her killed off and Bill to be the star of the show!

4. Wendy Torrance (The Shining)

Wendy, darling. Light of my life. I’m not gonna kill ya, I’m just gonna bash yer fuckin’ brains in! You’re innocent and sweet, but god, are you stupid.

She probably should have left her husband when he got so mad he dislocated his son’s arm, but I guess she believes in second chances. If she knew what was going to happen to her later maybe she wouldn’t have.
Wendy seemed to have good instincts, and she did think about leaving the Overlook a couple a’ times, but decided to stick it out with psycho Jack and wait till ANOTHER person got murdered. You could have avoided this Wendy…

5. Kaycee (The Green Inferno)

 I’ll go ahead and do you a favor and tell you if you haven’t seen The Green Inferno, don’t. It’s terribly written and has awful acting, but the award for worst actress goes to Sky Ferreira, who plays monotone student Kaycee. Sky Ferreira is primarily a musician—I think?? But she sure as hell ain’t a thespian. Her whole performance is dry, dull, and—oh yeah—ANNOYING!!

Don’t get me wrong, her character sucks, too; some stoner slut whose completely politically incorrect. She was only in the movie for about ten minutes total, probably, but even that was too much.
I hope I never have to see her in another movie for as long as I live.


Mary Bart said...

Wendy Torrance would definitely be number 1 for me. Good list. :)

Christine Hadden said...

I have a feeling Wendy would be on a whole lot of lists!!!