B-grade fun

It Waits (2005)

Sometimes I just like to watch really campy, thoughtless horror.
"It Waits" fits the bill pretty good.

Usually this kind of movie is on the Sci-Fi channel on Saturday afternoon, but this one has the advantage of having a recognized star (at least in the horror genre) as the lead - Cerina Vincent (Cabin Fever, Return to House on Haunted Hill, Sasquatch Mountain).
Now I'm not saying she's a great actress or anything, but she is good enough to watch for a few hours)


(In case you can't place who she is)

And any guy that didn't watch something she was in just to look at her, well... I can't say more.
I mean, she is extraordinarily pretty. Among other things...

Anyway.... It Waits (dumb title by the way) is the story of Danielle (Vincent), who is a forest ranger (yep.) struggling with the fact that her best friend was just killed in a drunk driving accident in which Danielle was driving. Added to that are troubles with a boyfriend (also a ranger) and some missing campers she can't locate, and that about sums up the first part of the movie. I mean, there's always a useless sub-plot that has nothing to do with the real heart of the story.

But there is something out there in the woods (because there always is).
It stalks.
It lurks.
It waits.
Oh brother.

Key plot points:
There is a Native American legend not unlike alot of movies we've already seen. (If you're looking strictly for Native American themes, rent Wendigo instead).
The creature is awakened by a group of scientists (?) who decide to blow half a mountain off to look for.... what? I can't remember.
'It' starts stalking anyone we see on screen.
It looks almost exactly like a cross between Pumpkinhead and the Creeper (Jeepers Creepers) - so much so that it even sprouts wings and flies away! (mega-rip-off!).
Some dude in a camper mysteriously appears and starts yakking about the 'legend'... I've already forgotten what he said.
Danielle and said boyfriend are obviously the creature's main targets.
Maybe she peed in his Cheerios, I don't know.

Anyway, I actually watched this all the way through and thought it wasn't too bad - in a Netflix free-viewing sort of way.
So if it ever pops up on Sci-Fi or Fuse some afternoon, you can watch it without puking.
Hey, it's better than Feast 2!!

What's that I hear?
You want another pic of Cerina Vincent?
Ok, here you go:

Perhaps Louisiana or Mississippi?
Looks like that style of architecture.
I'm thinking alot of voodoo thoughts with this one...

Here's another ESTATE-like property.
And this one is really, really cool!
I'd paint it white, of course.
It really looks haunted, doesn't it?

Now this is a crying shame.
Somebody has to own this huge property.
With today's mortgage crisis I bet you could get this for a song and a dance.
I'd take it.

Whoa, there's a light on in this gem...
WTF?

I like this one, too.
Nice location, lots of trees - house has character.
Who walks away from these properties, I wonder?

Seems like this one could have some potential if you add some new windows and a paint job.
The frame structure still looks good.

A movie with BITE

Teeth (2007)

Here's a film I took awhile to see because I just kept thinking: Seriously?
Well I probably shouldn't have waited, cause it was a real hoot!

Again reaching into my bag of 'instant Netflix viewing', I decided to finally give this movie a go.
It was a hit at the Sundance movie festival last year. It is certainly a strange and unusual idea.


Dawn O'Keefe (Jess Weixler, who seems like a cross between Keira Knightley and Winona Ryder) is a high school virgin (rare these days, I know) who gives "purity" speeches at her high school, begging teens her age to forego sex and stay abstinent until marriage.
This is all well and good, until she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman) and develops a more mature crush on him.

However, Dawn has something different about her.
Straight to the point: she has teeth in her vagina!

This is an actual medical myth/mystery known as Vagina Dentata. I really can't see myself explaining this, so read about it here, or better yet - here!

So... seeing as how Dawn's never experienced intimacy, she isn't quite sure what feels different about herself, but she's aware there is something amiss 'down there'...
Apparently she's never shredded any tampons. Sorry, had to mention...

Her and Tobey head off to the local make-out spot and things get carried a bit too far - Tobey has actually already had sex (bad boy! No!) and felt "remorse" (yeah, right!) so he has been abstaining for quite a long time, and he is done with purity and ready for some action - he pretty much forces himself on Dawn and suffice it to say, his male genitalia suffer the consequences.

Now I wouldn't want to give everything away here, so I'll stop there with the "intimate" details (no pun intended).. but you gotta see this movie to believe it.

As sub-plots, Dawn also has a raunchy, ridiculously sex-crazed nasty half-brother who has had the hots for her since they were little (say it with me now - eww!). He figures in the equation quite prominently.
She also goes to the OB/GYN for help and unfortunately has a perverted gynecologist - of course things go downhill after her feet are in the stirrups.

Then there are other boys that have made a bet that they can be the ones to get her into bed first... you can leave it up to your imagination (but the film won't!)...

There is a mentionable amount of gore, as you can imagine. But I think the acting by young Jess Weixler is really quite good, and I'm anxious to see something by her in another genre. I think she could have some pretty good acting chops.

There is an absolutely eye-popping scene involving a Rotweiller near the end. Truly outrageous!

So check out Teeth for something really different.
I can guarantee it will leave you (especially you guys!) thinking about your next roll in the hay.

Time for a little B & W creepiness.

I can hold it, thanks!

"Rest Stop 2: Don't look back" is the sequel to the similarly named 'Rest Stop: Dead Ahead".
If you haven't seen the first one, I wouldn't bother with this one. It follows very closely and ties up some loose strings from the original. Or at the least, check out the first one before renting this.
The first Rest Stop was panned by critics and wasn't exactly a hit. But it is a real guilty pleasure of mine.

The second one starts off exactly one year after the events of the first one.

To recap, Jesse and Nicole have left (runaway) together, heading from their native Texas to sunny L.A. to get into showbiz (yeah, right!). They are well on their way, just having crossed the border into California when they make a pit stop at a rest area.
Danger and mayhem ensue and to get straight to the point - they never are heard from again.

Well, Jess's brother, Tom, has recently arrived home from Iraq (he's in the Army) and makes it his mission to go looking for his long lost brother.
(As if no one has ever searched for them or questioned the fact that they never even called to say they were in L.A. or that they were ok...)

Anyway, Tom takes his alcoholic bitch of a girlfriend (incidentally Nicole's best friend - how convienient!) and another friend - who had an uber-crush on Nicole -with him to hunt them down.
As stupid and unbelievable as it sounds, Tom and co. end up at the VERY rest stop that Jess & Nicole had all their woes. How ironic.

If you can check your brain at the door and just watch this for the fun of it, it does offer some good gore and a bit of backstory that isn't entirely mundane. There are alot of recurring characters that we get to learn more about, in particular, the beyond-weird family from the camper-on-wheels and of course, the driver of the menacing pick-up.

Rest Stop 2 really delves into the 'ghost' aspect of the story, which was briefly touched upon in the first movie - and this really does help alot to realize all is not as it seems. You know, the old "who is real and who is a ghost' thing? There are a few creepy and unsettling moments.

I must say I absolutely HATED the girlfriend character - she got on my nerves like a two-year old at a doctor's appointment for shots. I wished bad, bad things on her, and someone apparently heard my wishes, so that was gratifying.

There is some obligatory nudity, as well as some comic relief (the buddy character gets stuck in a port-a-potty with some rather foul results!) and like I said, the gore factor was fairly decent.
But there isn't alot to think about here.

If you can just relax and not continually criticize, you'll be fine.
In the extras, the director and writer hinted that if this does well (it was straight to DVD) they have many more 'stories' to tell about the rest stop. I think that would go over like a lead balloon.
Please stop now. You've said it all, I think.

All in all, not a total waste. Worlds better than the April Fool's Day remake!

Looks like the ivy-monster attacked this one...

Real shame about this one, it was special.

Creepy houses: not just out in the country, apparently.

Really looks like the house in the Blair Witch Project....

This house really gives me the willies.

Here's the abandoned house for wednesday.
Spooky.

Abandoned houses

I have a real like for creepy, old abandoned houses.
Places that look like they have a story.
Places that look haunted.

I've decided to hunt the web for some pics of places that look like I would most certainly not want to go there on a dark evening alone.

(When I was a teenager, however, my friends and I had a passion for checking these places out on weekends. I won't say we broke in, because most places were already falling down around us and weren't locked - some didn't even have doors. Or the door was hanging precariously off the hinges like in some horror movie... )
We lived for those 'haunted house hunting' weekends.

I can only think of one place that is actually still standing... and maybe at some point I will drive there and get a new picture of it for here on the blog.

But for now, I will do a pic of the day for the rest of October.
Tis the season!

Enjoy.

The joke's on me, apparently.

Oh. My. God.
Could this movie be any crappier?



I'm thinkin' no.

Let me start by saying I am a big fan of the original April Fool's Day (1986) and so I kinda veered away from this "re-make" (or maybe more like re-imagining)...
I would have been wise to just keep on veering.
As a matter of fact, I suppose I shouldn't even be talking about this movie as I actually didn't even finish it. I was lucky that I didn't pay any money to see it (at theaters or rental) - I watched (part of) it on Instant Viewing on Netflix.

This trashbinder of a film has really no reedeming qualities whatsoever. Pure excrement.
I really thought with Scout Taylor-Compton (Rob Zombie's Halloween) as one of the stars, it might be semi-worthwhile, but I would be mistaken.
The dark haired beauty on the cover in the red dress (Taylor Cole) would be much better suited for straight out modeling. She's pretty, but...
Well, maybe she's good in other parts - if she had better scripts to work with. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The original April Fool's was campy and quirky and totally dated mid-eighties fare, but the acting was decent and the plot (though sometimes critisized as a cop-out) was fun. If you haven't seen that one, I'd suggest adding that to your must-sees.

The 2008 version has bad - no, AWFUL - acting, no real originality to the script, worthless death scenes (at least for as long as I watched it) and really un-likeable characters. I don't know why they made this film at all.

I just thought it was my duty to warn anyone reading this not to waste an hour and a half (or even 45 minutes, like I did) putting up with this debris.

So, to sum up - this movie sucks, if you hadn't guessed that already.
Steer clear.

Recommended reading: Part 2

Another review for my friends at my favorite podcast horroretc.com:

Review of 'Heart Sick" by Chelsea Cain..

It is a stellar first novel!

Not extreme horror, per se - but definately on that vein.
It's very grim, dark and disturbing and would be fantastic put to celluloid.

Synopsis:

Archie Sheridan is a semi-retired Portland detective with a past history of being abducted by a female serial killer who tortures him beyond belief. Gretchen Lowell is the serial killer ("The Beauty Killer") who he has finally imprisoned - she still has a hold on him, albeit emotionally, to this day.

He tracked her for ten years leading up to his subsequent abduction and her eventual capture.

He cannot get past it. He relives the time he spent with her every day, keeping some sort of sick feelings for her deep inside. Like Stockholm Syndrome a bit. She even left her calling card for him to remember forever the events: she carved a heart onto his chest.

Archie cannot let her go and continues to visit her in jail. He is addicted to pain killers - and Gretchen, like his medicine, is a sort of crutch for him. She uses this against him in a sort of sick game. She lives for it. Archie is the only one of her victims that lived. She designed it that way.

Because he cannot let the past go, he is compelled to ask her help (a 'la Silence of the Lambs) when he returns to help the force on a current case. A serial killer is killing and dumping teenagers after soaking them in vats of bleach.

Their troubling and unsettling conversations and questionable behavior is the root of the novel. Is Archie in love with Gretchen? How can that even be possible?

Also figuring into the mix is a reporter, Susan Ward - a punk-rocker type of young woman who is covering the case and in turn, working closely with Detective Sheridan. She is determined to get her angle - to follow Archie's return to the force and his hunt again for another serial killer and how that is affecting him with his dreadful past... She is wiser than her years and naturally develops feelings for Archie, though he is unable to reciprocate due to his strange and preposterous devotion to Gretchen.

This book is wrapped in layers of mental anguish, physical destruction, shame, deceit, addictions, mystery and fine character development. I highly recommend it.

As for the movie it SHOULD become:
I'm thinking maybe Cate Blanchett, Diane Lane, Carrie Ann Moss (The Matrix), or Demi Moore (though the part may be too complex for her talents) as Gretchen.

Perhaps Viggo Mortensen (because he can do anything!), Liam Neeson, Kevin Bacon, Kurt Russell, Robert Downey Jr., or even Richard Gere (stretch your imagination) as Archie Sheridan. And as for the younger, punked out journalist Susan Ward - how about Zooey Deschanel, Rachel McAdams, Anne Hathaway, or Selma Blair.....

I can seriously see any combination of these actors in this film.... except the Diane Lane/Richard Gere thing. Too much romantic movie history - wouldn't work. I especially like the Robert Downey Jr./Cate Blanchett combo.

Oh, and by the way - I am currently reading the just released sequel: 'Sweetheart'.

I'll let you know...

Dexter

I'm not fortunate (read: wealthy) enough to have Showtime as part of my satellite service (I choose to subscribe to Netflix instead) so I was unfamiliar with the tv show "Dexter"...

So when a friend of mine told me about it - told me it was right up my alley - I looked it up on Netflix to see if I could get Season 1 - and it was right there on the 'instant viewing' list! Which means I can watch the entire first season for free because I belong to Netflix. Yee-ha!

No, this is not a plug for Netflix - though it could be, cause I'm tellin' ya - they ROCK!

yes, you should subscribe!!!

So anyway, I sat down in front of my lovely 19 inch monitor at my computer and thoroughly enjoyed the first episode.

Dexter (for those who don't know) is a crime scene analyst - a specialist in blood splatter patterns.

And there is real reason why he is such an expert at this job.

He works nights as a vigilante serial killer.

A serial killer who kills serial killers and other bad perps. People who evade justice.
People who, in other words, deserve it.

Of course no one knows he does this, as he is quite good at his job. He covers his tracks so well and is obsessively methodical, no one seems the wiser.

By day he hangs at the office, where everyone seems to just love him. He's a likable guy! He brings donuts! The upper crust but wretchedly unintelligent female dept. head is in lust with him.

His sister works there as a cop as well. She's stuck working on vice as an undercover prostitute and is just dying to get into the homicide division. She appreciates Dexter's unique insights on crime and is hoping to use his smarts to her benefit to get ahead. She, of course, has no idea he goes all Bundy in the evenings.

There only seems to be one dude (a police sargeant at his station) who is creeped out and wary of Dex. But he is unable to catch him doing anything out of the ordinary, so Dexter goes about his business of weeding out the super creeps (i.e. pedophile murderers, rapists, snuff film producers, etc...)

Dexter and his sister were adopted as young children. There are flashback scenes to his childhood - scenarios with his detective father after Dad discovers Dex's penchant for killing small animals in the neighborhood. Dad knows Dex has problems. He knows he will escalate to killing humans and so he begins to teach Dexter how to recognize the 'bad guys' and use his homicidal urgings for the greater good.
Seriously.

Dex even has a girlfriend. She is perfect for him. Psychologically damaged from both mental and physical abuse from her ex-husband, Rita has no interest in sex. This benefits Dexter, because he cannot wrap his brain around caring about sex enough to get around to it. He is too busy plotting, scheming, and killing people to get emotionally involved with anyone.

"Yeah, honey.... I'll be there soon, I'm just finishing something up..."

This show is extremely well written and entertaining.
You cannot help but to like Dexter.
You find yourself actually rooting for him NOT to get caught.
Played with absolute perfection by Michael C. Hall, this is one show that if you are a horror fan, you are bound to LOVE.

So if you have Netflix, give it a shot.
If not, it is also for sale on Amazon for like, 20 bucks or so.
It's worth it!