Saturday, October 15, 2011

Halloween Festival of Lists: FIFTEEN Effed-Up Families

 Horror films are always stranding luckless souls out in the boondocks with some wretched, bat-shit crazy family.  And to be honest, I like it!  There have been so many families like the Fireflys and the Peacocks in this genre that it would be impossible to list them all, so I have just picked out fifteen of my favorites.  Here's to meat hooks, deformed babies, mysterious smoked meats, and good old fashioned incest.  And let's remember the old adage:  "The family that slays together, stays together!"

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've heard people in Texas have hearty appetites, but this is ridiculous.

The Mickens family (True Blood)
Because there's always a sale on tighty whiteys and Budweiser

The 'Planet' family (The Hills Have Eyes)
Demented cannibal inbreds aside, the desert is always a fine place to vacation.

Wrong Turn
In which unsightly mountain inbreds procure dinner from the visiting public...

Timber Falls
Go hiking, get married, have a baby. Sounds perfect, right?

The Old Dark House
A haunted mansion in which the Femm family wreaks havoc and makes new friends.

House of 1000 Corpses/The Devil's Rejects
Remember when I told you I wanted to catch Fireflies?  I lied.

The Mariell family (Haunted, 1995)
Brother and sister...into art....and each other.  Literally.
(And you're welcome for the nude Kate Beckinsale)

Motel Hell
 "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters."

Cabin Fever
Give these men their damn pancakes or they will blow off your head!

The Merrye family (Spider Baby)
The wackiest and most deranged family on the list by far, these three siblings are just the tip of the iceberg in a long line of crack-pots.

Ahh, I can still hear the banjos.  Can you?  Squeal like a pig for me, would ya?

If you're lucky, they'll be no room at the inn.  If you're not, you're dinner.

Angel Heart
Voodoo, incest, bloodshed, Devil spawn.
Bring it.

The Peacock family ("Home", The X-Files)
Like mother, like sons.
No, really.

(...because you never know what may be lurking under the bed.)


Michele (TheGirlWhoLovesHorror) said...

Yay for the Merrye clan, they are by far my favorite on this list!

Joel H said...

Spot on. That episode of The X-Files is one of the best ever.

Also, I like how enormous Leatherface's family is. Poor sod moves to a different set of relatives with every film.

Great list!

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I sort of want to be a part of the Firefly family?

Lisa Washington said...

Great list! All these families seem to be in ample supply of clevers and meat hooks....would it kill them to shell out for some meat from the market? ;)

B.R. said...

I thin I love you for including the Old Dark House on this list. I've loved that movie for years. By the way, am I the only one who was waaaay more creeped out by the line in Deliverance delivered right after the first? "You sure got a purty mouth".

That line of dialogue will haunt me forever.

Christine Hadden said...

B.R.- When people tell me Deliverance isn't horror, I just snort. Not like a pig, though....